(no subject)
I'm not really sure if I want to post this or not, but I need some kind of outlet.
We found out right after Christmas that my dad had cancer. He smoked for 53 years, and he was a firefighter who in the course of his duty had been exposed to lots of particulates and other things while fighting fires. A little over a week ago he visited the oncologist to go over the various tests and imaging scans he had done the previous couple weeks. The Doctor determined that he as a form on incurable lung cancer. Its called large-cell something, I don't have the notes with me up here at school.
He was scheduled to have a bone scan today to see if the cancer had spread there. One of the scans showed an anomaly along the bone and the Dr. wanted to follow up. He told mom that if it was not in the bone, Dad could expect 3-5 years. If it was, it was Stage IV and he would have maybe a year.
While I was at home over the weekend, Dad's voice was gone. Since December he's deteriorated a lot. He hasn't ate and has lost nearly 40 lbs since about October. All he has been able to do is lay on the couch or in bed. He's cough, which is why he originally went to see the doctor, has become worse and he has been coughing up blood. He looked weak and for the first time I can ever recall he wasn't even able to shave.
Well yesterday Mom called, and said she talked to the Dr. and that they would admit dad to the hospital today. Mom didn't tell dad because he hasn't been able to sleep a lot before going to the Dr because he's so worried. They went today and admitted him. He wasn't able to take the bone scan because he got to anxious. . . which is also something I've never seen or heard about my Dad. While in the hospital they gave him oxygen to help him breath and various other stuff. However, they think there may be fluid around his heart. Tomorrow a cardiologist is coming and they are going to put him to sleep and scope his heart.
I am just worried, and realistically looking at it, that I won't have my Dad much longer. I am hoping for good news, but everything since this started has been bad. I all honesty this isn't a shock, and in some ways I've expected this would happen sometime, sooner then later. My parents were 40 when I was born. Dad was a life-long smoker, Mom smoked most of her adult life. Coupled with the fact that Dad was a firefighter starting in the late 60s. The generation of firefighters before him had a life expectancy of about 56 years. While Dad benefited from the implementation of better safety gear during his career he was still exposed.
While I am normally good at internalizing things, trying to deal with law school, work, bills, car repair, and this all at once is tough. When we first found out about the cancer, Mom had a will drawn up for the two of them. She and I are both executor's if something happens to Dad. So on top of everything else I have been thinking of the practical needs that need to be done if something has to dad. He has enough insurance through his retirement benefits to pay for any expenses and have some left over. However, he and Mom are in debt well above what that will pay. I have a feeling that no matter how upset and grieved I may be if something happens, Mom will be 100 times worse. So I know I must, and think I'm capable of dealing with everything, I just need some kind of outlet for my emotions. Unfortunately my close friends rely on me or are in no position for me to rely on. Both of my brothers have a significant other, a wife for Bob, and a girlfriend for Tom, but I don't have that support. Given the magnitude its not a surprise, but this is the first time in a long time that I have not been able to just cope with my life myself.
I love my Dad and I hope my worries become just that and he has a while to go. But I am also a realist and understand that may not be the case. This post is more for my own therapy, and I do feel a little bit more relaxed now. I guess I'll just have to concentrate my best in class tomorrow, and be ready to go home if Mom needs me. Thankfully my professor's seem to be understanding when I informed them of Dad's illness at the beginning of the semester.
We found out right after Christmas that my dad had cancer. He smoked for 53 years, and he was a firefighter who in the course of his duty had been exposed to lots of particulates and other things while fighting fires. A little over a week ago he visited the oncologist to go over the various tests and imaging scans he had done the previous couple weeks. The Doctor determined that he as a form on incurable lung cancer. Its called large-cell something, I don't have the notes with me up here at school.
He was scheduled to have a bone scan today to see if the cancer had spread there. One of the scans showed an anomaly along the bone and the Dr. wanted to follow up. He told mom that if it was not in the bone, Dad could expect 3-5 years. If it was, it was Stage IV and he would have maybe a year.
While I was at home over the weekend, Dad's voice was gone. Since December he's deteriorated a lot. He hasn't ate and has lost nearly 40 lbs since about October. All he has been able to do is lay on the couch or in bed. He's cough, which is why he originally went to see the doctor, has become worse and he has been coughing up blood. He looked weak and for the first time I can ever recall he wasn't even able to shave.
Well yesterday Mom called, and said she talked to the Dr. and that they would admit dad to the hospital today. Mom didn't tell dad because he hasn't been able to sleep a lot before going to the Dr because he's so worried. They went today and admitted him. He wasn't able to take the bone scan because he got to anxious. . . which is also something I've never seen or heard about my Dad. While in the hospital they gave him oxygen to help him breath and various other stuff. However, they think there may be fluid around his heart. Tomorrow a cardiologist is coming and they are going to put him to sleep and scope his heart.
I am just worried, and realistically looking at it, that I won't have my Dad much longer. I am hoping for good news, but everything since this started has been bad. I all honesty this isn't a shock, and in some ways I've expected this would happen sometime, sooner then later. My parents were 40 when I was born. Dad was a life-long smoker, Mom smoked most of her adult life. Coupled with the fact that Dad was a firefighter starting in the late 60s. The generation of firefighters before him had a life expectancy of about 56 years. While Dad benefited from the implementation of better safety gear during his career he was still exposed.
While I am normally good at internalizing things, trying to deal with law school, work, bills, car repair, and this all at once is tough. When we first found out about the cancer, Mom had a will drawn up for the two of them. She and I are both executor's if something happens to Dad. So on top of everything else I have been thinking of the practical needs that need to be done if something has to dad. He has enough insurance through his retirement benefits to pay for any expenses and have some left over. However, he and Mom are in debt well above what that will pay. I have a feeling that no matter how upset and grieved I may be if something happens, Mom will be 100 times worse. So I know I must, and think I'm capable of dealing with everything, I just need some kind of outlet for my emotions. Unfortunately my close friends rely on me or are in no position for me to rely on. Both of my brothers have a significant other, a wife for Bob, and a girlfriend for Tom, but I don't have that support. Given the magnitude its not a surprise, but this is the first time in a long time that I have not been able to just cope with my life myself.
I love my Dad and I hope my worries become just that and he has a while to go. But I am also a realist and understand that may not be the case. This post is more for my own therapy, and I do feel a little bit more relaxed now. I guess I'll just have to concentrate my best in class tomorrow, and be ready to go home if Mom needs me. Thankfully my professor's seem to be understanding when I informed them of Dad's illness at the beginning of the semester.