Yea. shut up.
i found this on my computer. its old. but it still has some relevence. i feel sort of like this still. but not really. its more compliated. btu it still puts the just across. This is so hard. Nathan keeps saying he wants me back because he loves me. Its so hard to believe he does though, because, I mean, what he does contradicts everything he says. Its like ahck! What does he really mean, and what does he really want? I don’t even know anymore. I mean. I still love him. i'll never admit that to him, but I do. And this sucks, because I want to be able to let him go, I want to be able to get over him. Its just so hard, and then theres Mark, who I barely ever talk to, but is and always has been there for me when I need/needed him to be. The fact is I know im not over him, and I think he might feel the same. I don’t know if I want to give it another go though, because it would just be weird. I mean we broke up two years ago, and I like having him as my friend. I can trust him, with anything, and I respect him. Funny thing is, with Nathan, we still act like we’re dating, and it gets cozy. But at the same time we don’t act like we’re dating, and it hurts to see him flirting with other girls and to see them flirting with him. I know it doesn’t mean anything… but its not like I can help how I feel. I mean, the other day he asked me the possibility of us getting together… and I really don’t know about that, because, id love to…. But only if I knew it would work out this time. I cant keep going back to him and being his doormat, his puppet. He doesn’t understand what I went through for him, because I love/loved him. But that’s because he never was a 15 year old girl with a 19 year old boyfriend. And you know, he doesn’t need to know exactly what im going through, I just want him to understand how hard things are for me. I don’t want to go back to him. Because I hate how things always go. When we’re together, its like I mean nothing to him. And when we aren’t, that’s when he acts like im important. It really bothers me that he cant act like a boyfriend… and I know im holding a grudge… but its really hard to get over some of the things he said and did… I mean a lot of it doesn’t make sense.. especially if he loved me as much as he says he did. I think he’s either just confused about how he feels, or hes a selfish bastard. I really don’t know anymore, because i dotn have feelings for anyone else, except maybe Mark, but I think that’s just because we don’t talk all that much and I never really got over him. This is all so confusing, because I don’t know what to think, let alone what to do. I mean, what I wanted with Nathan so long ago, I still kind of want, but not at the expense its already cost me. Maybe its my fault for not always telling him how I felt, maybe its his for not making me feel comfortable enough to tell him. Whatever the reason, this, SUCKS!