A response left here. (A hour long whisper from the restless)
12:32 AM - 1:33 AM
Restless again. Something is keeping me awake, keeping me writing this. I want solace and solitude before, during, and after this and not the kind that "silence" brings. The kind that finds you in grass or distant pasts, looking up at the neverending.
The phantom of who I am is a stifling shadow that exists. Everywhere, the shadow beckons me up to a level that I will never reach. This shadow persists in my friends and in my doubts. Who am I, I really question. If I am to soar and be who I am, is that simply creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? The feelings of closeness are illusions before me. You learn to whisper to these illusions, grasp them tightly as they may be the only companions that stay by you, for better or worse. Silence to what you say and speak is often that which greets you because there is nothing others can say. After a while, I fear that the mask placed on me has the unfortunate effect of having me temporarily forget who is underneath. Not all illusions and shadows are false and not all are true. Still, often enough, it's hard to tell which is which...especially when you feel your friends may be shadows and illusions themselves...
I don't want to make excuses for why I feel this way, why I yell out music that has deeper connections and why I can't make enough of a connection to many people to cry about the circumstances around them. Sadly, for most of them, they would be a regret but not much more. Yet, the fact is...I fail because I cannot break down that barrier that restricts my thinking. I despise this feeling that I know so much more within but will never know because there is something holding me back, something tethering me to the despicable restrictions of a mind that is chained by something else.
I dreamt last night but sadly I could not remember it. Ironic in of itself, since the dream brought back memories simply because of one individual in it. It pains me so terribly at times to not have a sureness of direction, no staff or shining light to aim towards. I believe that would be too easy. Everytime I linger, I feel almost a tragic sadness to the individual. A graceful, pained, silence that I cannot hear words or know what they know is true. Their face is not clear because that is not how they really are. They smile broken smiles and break me in sadness that I cannot be there or that I cannot see what they see....to see with eyes unclouded.
I beg of those that read this. I cannot afford to vanish into the shadows that will freely consume me. Light is not perfect and nor is dark. These battles we fight, some alone and some not, will not go quietly into the night like our wayward words might. Darkness can be comfort and so can the light. The stars shine all the more brighter away from the taint of humanity's cities and thinking. Balance is necessary for us all. Without suffering, we would not know joy. (Still, I wish that some of those I know would not know so much suffering...) I will listen with eager ears but I know full well that part of the battle is to know that you can feel and trust those around you. I don't want to be part of the silence that is remembered at the very end.
Yeah, I wish that these feelings of loneliness and this silence would subside. I know that opening up is hard to do but I don't know what more I can expect from those around me. It pains me night and day that what I feel, however little, cannot be expressed because people will drive me out and drag me away? There are times where we are stars and there are times we are the ones gazing upwards. I don't know the way to become something more than what I am. I do love what I got and it could be a little and it could be a lot. I want to share beauty, I want to be there at the end of my days and be able to smile. Maybe I'm dashing and turning in the wrong direction of the truths that will guide me...but I am stronger than I think. And, I think, friends, so are you. I do treasure every moment and vision heard, shared, or spoken. I will not disappear from sight unless it is the desire of those who around me. What I knew in here changed when I stopped running in a dream. What I don't know is if I am running anymore...and perhaps I simply want to know. I want to know...and the naivety of not knowing better judgement may cause me trouble...but the familiarity of knowing that there is much more than what I have seen so far is a fickle curse. I just sincerely hope that chaos does not consume or corrupt me and make me any less than who I am....or what I think I should be. If you need to find me, then please ask...
For I will ask here for ways to find you, my friends...and therein I will take a chance to be something more than the shadow or illusion.
Restless again. Something is keeping me awake, keeping me writing this. I want solace and solitude before, during, and after this and not the kind that "silence" brings. The kind that finds you in grass or distant pasts, looking up at the neverending.
The phantom of who I am is a stifling shadow that exists. Everywhere, the shadow beckons me up to a level that I will never reach. This shadow persists in my friends and in my doubts. Who am I, I really question. If I am to soar and be who I am, is that simply creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? The feelings of closeness are illusions before me. You learn to whisper to these illusions, grasp them tightly as they may be the only companions that stay by you, for better or worse. Silence to what you say and speak is often that which greets you because there is nothing others can say. After a while, I fear that the mask placed on me has the unfortunate effect of having me temporarily forget who is underneath. Not all illusions and shadows are false and not all are true. Still, often enough, it's hard to tell which is which...especially when you feel your friends may be shadows and illusions themselves...
I don't want to make excuses for why I feel this way, why I yell out music that has deeper connections and why I can't make enough of a connection to many people to cry about the circumstances around them. Sadly, for most of them, they would be a regret but not much more. Yet, the fact is...I fail because I cannot break down that barrier that restricts my thinking. I despise this feeling that I know so much more within but will never know because there is something holding me back, something tethering me to the despicable restrictions of a mind that is chained by something else.
I dreamt last night but sadly I could not remember it. Ironic in of itself, since the dream brought back memories simply because of one individual in it. It pains me so terribly at times to not have a sureness of direction, no staff or shining light to aim towards. I believe that would be too easy. Everytime I linger, I feel almost a tragic sadness to the individual. A graceful, pained, silence that I cannot hear words or know what they know is true. Their face is not clear because that is not how they really are. They smile broken smiles and break me in sadness that I cannot be there or that I cannot see what they see....to see with eyes unclouded.
I beg of those that read this. I cannot afford to vanish into the shadows that will freely consume me. Light is not perfect and nor is dark. These battles we fight, some alone and some not, will not go quietly into the night like our wayward words might. Darkness can be comfort and so can the light. The stars shine all the more brighter away from the taint of humanity's cities and thinking. Balance is necessary for us all. Without suffering, we would not know joy. (Still, I wish that some of those I know would not know so much suffering...) I will listen with eager ears but I know full well that part of the battle is to know that you can feel and trust those around you. I don't want to be part of the silence that is remembered at the very end.
Yeah, I wish that these feelings of loneliness and this silence would subside. I know that opening up is hard to do but I don't know what more I can expect from those around me. It pains me night and day that what I feel, however little, cannot be expressed because people will drive me out and drag me away? There are times where we are stars and there are times we are the ones gazing upwards. I don't know the way to become something more than what I am. I do love what I got and it could be a little and it could be a lot. I want to share beauty, I want to be there at the end of my days and be able to smile. Maybe I'm dashing and turning in the wrong direction of the truths that will guide me...but I am stronger than I think. And, I think, friends, so are you. I do treasure every moment and vision heard, shared, or spoken. I will not disappear from sight unless it is the desire of those who around me. What I knew in here changed when I stopped running in a dream. What I don't know is if I am running anymore...and perhaps I simply want to know. I want to know...and the naivety of not knowing better judgement may cause me trouble...but the familiarity of knowing that there is much more than what I have seen so far is a fickle curse. I just sincerely hope that chaos does not consume or corrupt me and make me any less than who I am....or what I think I should be. If you need to find me, then please ask...
For I will ask here for ways to find you, my friends...and therein I will take a chance to be something more than the shadow or illusion.