(no subject)
Today started out so, so bad.
But it ended so, so well.
Rachel and Dustin had a huge talk with Anna, Rachel brought her down here and helped her express what she is feeling and why she does not want to live here. Basically, Anna is terrified of Kevin. At Rachel's, she feels safe. She feels protected by Dustin, he is a father to her, and she knows Kevin will never be able to get to her while she is there. She is embarrassed by Abby's behavior and feels like she could never comfortably have friends visit her at my house because Abby...well. You know. But she also feels that she and I have grown apart and she just feels awkward and when she does come to visit, I am hammering away at her with WHY WHY WHY and WHAT IS WRONG and if I'm not hammering away, I am trying to hard to make things normal and I come across as too perky and fake. In response, Anna just shuts down. Anna is able to compose herself in a way that I can not; she does not want anyone to see her cry or being emotional, and she just...becomes this cool, stoic rock. It beats anything I've ever seen. I wish I had her emotional self-control.
Knowing what she is feeling...now I feel like I have something I can work on fixing, instead of a vague "I don't want to live with you."
She asked me to sign custody over to Rachel, which I refused. But I did explain to her that when she is not here, there is a piece of me that is missing. I told her she is my heart. I told her it's like we've broken up. She is afraid our relationship can not be repaired, but I know the only way to fix it is to spend time together. So we agreed that on Thursday evenings, after I feed the kids, she and I are going to go for a walk together. I told her if she feels nervous and awkward, we can take Brooke (Rachel's daughter) with us.
Rachel and I talked for a long time. She and Dustin are willing to have Anna continue to live with them; our mutual condition is that Anna must spend time with me.
Later this evening Anna, Brooke, and Rachel came down and the girls (including Abby) spent some time together. Abby had a great birthday (she turned 13 today! 13! ACK) hanging out with her friend Kaelyn and having Anna spend time with her made her even happier. I told Abby I noticed that she was more mature the past few days and that I appreciated that she was being so well-behaved today. She laughed a lot today, practiced her routine for cheerleading tryouts, and just generally had a good time.
Adam and I had a talk and he promised to pitch in more and be more respectful toward me and also toward his sisters.
I am hopeful.
Rachel came back down and took all the girls back to her place for a sleepover, and as they all left, I just sighed a happy little sigh, watching the girls laughing and talking and walking away together, and I said, "This...this is what I want."
Normal. Happy. Family and friends. People laughing and talking and helping one another. That's what today ended up being. I am feeling so centered right now.
But it ended so, so well.
Rachel and Dustin had a huge talk with Anna, Rachel brought her down here and helped her express what she is feeling and why she does not want to live here. Basically, Anna is terrified of Kevin. At Rachel's, she feels safe. She feels protected by Dustin, he is a father to her, and she knows Kevin will never be able to get to her while she is there. She is embarrassed by Abby's behavior and feels like she could never comfortably have friends visit her at my house because Abby...well. You know. But she also feels that she and I have grown apart and she just feels awkward and when she does come to visit, I am hammering away at her with WHY WHY WHY and WHAT IS WRONG and if I'm not hammering away, I am trying to hard to make things normal and I come across as too perky and fake. In response, Anna just shuts down. Anna is able to compose herself in a way that I can not; she does not want anyone to see her cry or being emotional, and she just...becomes this cool, stoic rock. It beats anything I've ever seen. I wish I had her emotional self-control.
Knowing what she is feeling...now I feel like I have something I can work on fixing, instead of a vague "I don't want to live with you."
She asked me to sign custody over to Rachel, which I refused. But I did explain to her that when she is not here, there is a piece of me that is missing. I told her she is my heart. I told her it's like we've broken up. She is afraid our relationship can not be repaired, but I know the only way to fix it is to spend time together. So we agreed that on Thursday evenings, after I feed the kids, she and I are going to go for a walk together. I told her if she feels nervous and awkward, we can take Brooke (Rachel's daughter) with us.
Rachel and I talked for a long time. She and Dustin are willing to have Anna continue to live with them; our mutual condition is that Anna must spend time with me.
Later this evening Anna, Brooke, and Rachel came down and the girls (including Abby) spent some time together. Abby had a great birthday (she turned 13 today! 13! ACK) hanging out with her friend Kaelyn and having Anna spend time with her made her even happier. I told Abby I noticed that she was more mature the past few days and that I appreciated that she was being so well-behaved today. She laughed a lot today, practiced her routine for cheerleading tryouts, and just generally had a good time.
Adam and I had a talk and he promised to pitch in more and be more respectful toward me and also toward his sisters.
I am hopeful.
Rachel came back down and took all the girls back to her place for a sleepover, and as they all left, I just sighed a happy little sigh, watching the girls laughing and talking and walking away together, and I said, "This...this is what I want."
Normal. Happy. Family and friends. People laughing and talking and helping one another. That's what today ended up being. I am feeling so centered right now.