my sister, my mama, and me
This was actually written on March 6th and posted on one of my facebook accounts, but since I'm reclaiming my journal, I'm posting it here for posterity.
So I have this sister, Jennifer, who has some kind of crazy-mad psychic abilities and because of her I have tended to believe in an afterlife because...well, I don't know if she is some kind of medium or what, but she has some kind of gift. I have tons of anecdotes from things she has told us that she heard in a vivid dream with someone who has died with information of future family events, plus dreams she has had that involve no one else but she knows from that dream specific things that are going to happen.
She first started doing this when she was a child, when she sat down at breakfast and informed us that our uncle was going to die of a heart attack in a few days...which he did. She did this enough that it freaked us out sometimes, but as she has gotten older, it has happened more frequently.
I firmly believe she has saved my life twice because of the knowledge she has shared with me from two very specific dreams she had. Both of these involved details of things she had not seen but she was dead-on in her descriptions and I don't question it.
There are so many, many instances that I can recall but the one I am sharing now is a very recent one.
A few weeks ago she told me of a vivid dream she had (and by vivid dream, I mean vision; these are dreams that she describes as extremely vivid in regard to color and emotion). She was hesitant to tell me because part of it was upsetting to her and she did not know if it would upset me or not.
Okay, here goes:
In her dream/vision, my sisters and I were at Dad's in the enclosed porch, and Mom was standing outside the windows looking in and smiling because we were all together. I was very sad and excused myself to rest in the bedroom. Jennifer came to check on me, and Mom was lying on the bed beside me, urgently speaking to me but I could neither see nor hear her. Her face appeared varying shades of black and purple and appeared to be in a state of decomposition, which upset Jennifer greatly and she gasped. Mom turned to her and said, "You have to give this message to Jill. I have been trying and trying to talk to her but she can't hear me."
Jennifer was distracted by Mom's appearance and asked her why she looked like that, and Mom replied, "This is how Jill sees me. You have to tell her this is not who I am." Then Mom changed and looked very healthy and vibrant. She said Jennifer needed to tell me that if Mom had known how "sweet" death was, she would not have been afraid to die. She said everyone she loved who had died before her had come to get her and that she was still with them and happy and surrounded by a feeling of love. She said she heard what I said to her when I sat by her body after she died and that she was concerned for how troubled I've been by her death. She was very concerned that I know she is "very much alive in spirit."
When Jennifer told me this, of course I started to cry. What Jennifer did not know is this: every day since my mom died I have whispered, "Where are you, Mom?" I have imagined that she is just rotting away in her coffin and I have struggled with my wavering beliefs regarding an afterlife or a lack thereof. It isn't that I was concerned about any particular religious view, but I have thought at times there is just nothing after death, and other times I have thought that our energy just moves on into another existance somewhere we can't see. I have anguished over this, anguished over her fear of dying and wondering if she is existing somewhere or if she is just...dead. And I have tried so hard to feel her presence or have a meaningful dream and it just hasn't happened.
Then Jennifer told me this, and it just LIFTED me somehow. I feel sorrow for her loss, but I feel peace that she is somewhere and she is happy. I know some of you will not believe this and I know human beings have difficulty with the concepts of mortality and eternal lack of existance, but I don't want this to be a debate about those things. I do believe my mom has heard me and gave this message to my sister to set my mind at ease.
(I have forgotten the LJ 'click here to read more' code. Can someone refresh my memory?)
So I have this sister, Jennifer, who has some kind of crazy-mad psychic abilities and because of her I have tended to believe in an afterlife because...well, I don't know if she is some kind of medium or what, but she has some kind of gift. I have tons of anecdotes from things she has told us that she heard in a vivid dream with someone who has died with information of future family events, plus dreams she has had that involve no one else but she knows from that dream specific things that are going to happen.
She first started doing this when she was a child, when she sat down at breakfast and informed us that our uncle was going to die of a heart attack in a few days...which he did. She did this enough that it freaked us out sometimes, but as she has gotten older, it has happened more frequently.
I firmly believe she has saved my life twice because of the knowledge she has shared with me from two very specific dreams she had. Both of these involved details of things she had not seen but she was dead-on in her descriptions and I don't question it.
There are so many, many instances that I can recall but the one I am sharing now is a very recent one.
A few weeks ago she told me of a vivid dream she had (and by vivid dream, I mean vision; these are dreams that she describes as extremely vivid in regard to color and emotion). She was hesitant to tell me because part of it was upsetting to her and she did not know if it would upset me or not.
Okay, here goes:
In her dream/vision, my sisters and I were at Dad's in the enclosed porch, and Mom was standing outside the windows looking in and smiling because we were all together. I was very sad and excused myself to rest in the bedroom. Jennifer came to check on me, and Mom was lying on the bed beside me, urgently speaking to me but I could neither see nor hear her. Her face appeared varying shades of black and purple and appeared to be in a state of decomposition, which upset Jennifer greatly and she gasped. Mom turned to her and said, "You have to give this message to Jill. I have been trying and trying to talk to her but she can't hear me."
Jennifer was distracted by Mom's appearance and asked her why she looked like that, and Mom replied, "This is how Jill sees me. You have to tell her this is not who I am." Then Mom changed and looked very healthy and vibrant. She said Jennifer needed to tell me that if Mom had known how "sweet" death was, she would not have been afraid to die. She said everyone she loved who had died before her had come to get her and that she was still with them and happy and surrounded by a feeling of love. She said she heard what I said to her when I sat by her body after she died and that she was concerned for how troubled I've been by her death. She was very concerned that I know she is "very much alive in spirit."
When Jennifer told me this, of course I started to cry. What Jennifer did not know is this: every day since my mom died I have whispered, "Where are you, Mom?" I have imagined that she is just rotting away in her coffin and I have struggled with my wavering beliefs regarding an afterlife or a lack thereof. It isn't that I was concerned about any particular religious view, but I have thought at times there is just nothing after death, and other times I have thought that our energy just moves on into another existance somewhere we can't see. I have anguished over this, anguished over her fear of dying and wondering if she is existing somewhere or if she is just...dead. And I have tried so hard to feel her presence or have a meaningful dream and it just hasn't happened.
Then Jennifer told me this, and it just LIFTED me somehow. I feel sorrow for her loss, but I feel peace that she is somewhere and she is happy. I know some of you will not believe this and I know human beings have difficulty with the concepts of mortality and eternal lack of existance, but I don't want this to be a debate about those things. I do believe my mom has heard me and gave this message to my sister to set my mind at ease.
(I have forgotten the LJ 'click here to read more' code. Can someone refresh my memory?)