(no subject)
I feel better. I guess some days are just harder than others.
It's funny how much a good cry helps. Just going in your room, shutting the door, and letting everything out and praying.
But now I feel okay.
It's been hard the past couple of days though, I must admit. I haven't really had anyone to talk to, Eileen hasn't been online and I haven't had the chance to really talk to Allsters.
Usually I talk to them about personal stuff, it seems so hard to have a serious talk with anyone I know at school. For the most part, it just seems like one long empty conversation (filled with empty words. sup switchfoot reference)
Last night I was listening to Hyper-Ballad by Björk.
"We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge...
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around.
It's become a habit
A way
To start the day
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you
It's early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
I imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
And when it lands
Will my eyes be closed or open?"
It's such a beautiful song but it's so damn depressing. Anyway, I was listening to it last night before I went to sleep and my dreams where filled with me standing on a cliff on a cloudy day and dropping things. Forks, knives, bottlecaps, cameras, and then I finally turned around and let myself fall backwards. I never saw myself hit the bottom. And just like the song, I wondered whether my eyes were open or closed.
And then I saw flashes of other people falling off cliffs, and I saw them at the bottom and it was terrifying. I don't usually have gory dreams like this, when I woke up I just dismissed it but for the rest of the day all I could think about was my dream.
My mood matched the weather, it was humid and rainy and so utterly grey.
Tomorrow will be better, I think. I called Dave the Manager tonight to get my schedule, he said I was working Thursday at 5 and Friday at 4 but me, being the loon that I am, forgot to ask if it was this week or next week. It might be next week because I have Planet Bread on Saturday which is the class that all employees have to take so sdfds I don't know. I'm scared to call back because I don't want to be a bother but I figure I'll do it at around 8 or 9 when they aren't busy.
Pray for me guyz. I feel so Jekyll Hydeish, it's I make one entry that's all happy and lalalal and then dfjasd9f7sdf7dsf8ads. So, uhm, sorry. ;/
It's funny how much a good cry helps. Just going in your room, shutting the door, and letting everything out and praying.
But now I feel okay.
It's been hard the past couple of days though, I must admit. I haven't really had anyone to talk to, Eileen hasn't been online and I haven't had the chance to really talk to Allsters.
Usually I talk to them about personal stuff, it seems so hard to have a serious talk with anyone I know at school. For the most part, it just seems like one long empty conversation (filled with empty words. sup switchfoot reference)
Last night I was listening to Hyper-Ballad by Björk.
"We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge...
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around.
It's become a habit
A way
To start the day
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you
It's early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
I imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
And when it lands
Will my eyes be closed or open?"
It's such a beautiful song but it's so damn depressing. Anyway, I was listening to it last night before I went to sleep and my dreams where filled with me standing on a cliff on a cloudy day and dropping things. Forks, knives, bottlecaps, cameras, and then I finally turned around and let myself fall backwards. I never saw myself hit the bottom. And just like the song, I wondered whether my eyes were open or closed.
And then I saw flashes of other people falling off cliffs, and I saw them at the bottom and it was terrifying. I don't usually have gory dreams like this, when I woke up I just dismissed it but for the rest of the day all I could think about was my dream.
My mood matched the weather, it was humid and rainy and so utterly grey.
Tomorrow will be better, I think. I called Dave the Manager tonight to get my schedule, he said I was working Thursday at 5 and Friday at 4 but me, being the loon that I am, forgot to ask if it was this week or next week. It might be next week because I have Planet Bread on Saturday which is the class that all employees have to take so sdfds I don't know. I'm scared to call back because I don't want to be a bother but I figure I'll do it at around 8 or 9 when they aren't busy.
Pray for me guyz. I feel so Jekyll Hydeish, it's I make one entry that's all happy and lalalal and then dfjasd9f7sdf7dsf8ads. So, uhm, sorry. ;/