(no subject)
I think I just lost my mind.
You cant go on like this forever.
People need change.
I just need some space.
Its not you, its me.
Most days things just feel empty.
Not good, or bad. Just empty.
I wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. Or maybe I just wish there was.
Something that would explain the way I have felt for so long.
Its hard to say when it even started. Or really if it did.
Maybe its always been there. And its just recently starting to come to a head.
Some days, I hate him so much I almost cant breathe or think of anything else.
Other days, it doesnt matter.
What really bothers me though, is that some days, I understand.
I completely understand the need to run away. To push away from everything.
Things that scare me..
Vastness. Ashley and I talked about this one at the beach.
You are standing on the beach. There are a hundred or so people around you. Each of these people are going somewhere. They all came from somewhere. They each have memories, and a future. They all have experiences. They all are thinking abotu something different. They all have family and friends at home who all have their own memories and experiences. Its intense to think about. There is so much all around you all the time. All these people having their own history. And all this history is in one place at the same time. And there are a million other places where there is that much, and usually more, people with that much history and everything. All of these places are having that much at the same time. Its almost overwhelming. When you are in the car. Look at the person next to you. This person is going somewhere and they are going to meet other people. They are about to go on to the rest of their life. When I see the poeple in the other cars, is just so strange an unfathomable to think that so much is happening at the same time, and what a small part every individual person is in it. Yes, vastness is certainly a big fear.
Commitment. Now this is a particularly weird thing to be scared of. Mostly when you think abotu commitment phobics, guys come to mind. Someone who doesnt want romantic relationships. Someone who doesnt want marriage or soemthing. No, not me. Reltaionships and attachments of basically any kind make me uncomfortable. This one is a little less scary than the vastness deal, but it seems to have more effect on my life in general. The idea of being tied to something just inspires a terror in me that is usually reserved for ants and axe murderers. It inspires another reaction also, an intense need for escape. And an extreme case of pushing away. Quite the opposite though, I seem to latch onto some people with a vengance. Which brings up the next fear..
Abandonment. With all the fear of committment going on in here, it doesnt seem like abandonment would be an issue. But the people who I dont push away from, I seem to be terrified they are on the verge of being gone. Its like how everytime Tyler and Noah leave the house, I get scared I wont see them again. And this fear isnt limited to them being physically gone either. There is always the constant paranoia that the people I care about the most dont really care about me. Even down to the best of friends. There is always a feeling that there is somewhere they would rather be. Something they would rather be doing. This I think might also explain the fact that I hate for people to be mad at me (with a few exceptions.. of course).
If you could do one thing, money being no object and no consequences, what would you do?
I would just go. Wouldnt that be nice? I would love to just disappear. Strangely, that sounds better to me than anything. There is just nothing I want that college or a career can give me. Money would be nice I guess, but that would be it. What I really want, is just freedom. And thats pretty much the only thing that isnt possible to achieve. Starting the day you go to college, you are tied for practially the rest of your life. With school, comes the loans. Not to mention the obligation that, whether you realize or not, comes with having a college education. You went to school. You earned the degree. Now, do something with it. Pressure. You jsut start acquiring debt. Expectations. Responsibilities. Maybe its just my commitment phobia, but that seems overwhelming. I dont want all that. I just want to be happy somewhere. Nice things arent necessary. Of course, I'll be the first to admit that I've had a pretty nice life so far. I've had most of the random things that I've wanted, as have all of my friends. But that doesnt really pertain to what I mean. Even now, I think most of us realize that we've lead priviliged lives so far. We arent rich. We dont have every little thing we want. And of course, there is always a serious shortage of money. But, in the end, we rarely go without the things that we really want, whether pay for them by working or the parents buy them. So nice things are just that, nice. They arent necessary. I hear people say all the time that they want to go to college so they dont end up in some dead end job that they hate. But really, that only happens if you let it. I honestly think I could be just as happy, if not more, making just enough money and working somewhere that I enjoy. I dont have to have a career to validate my existence. If you think about it, theres no point to it anyways. When you die, Mr. Banker, everything goes on. Without you. What did you do with your life? You are the only one who will remember it. I dont want my life to be full of paperwork and unimportant things. I dont want to be someone important. It doesnt make sense to the way some people want to be remembered. Nobody is going to examine my life years after I die. And frankly, I'd rather they didnt. Leave my life alone, because I'm the only one who has to enjoy it. In some weird way, its the obscurity of your life that gives you freedom. Its the obscurity that lets you make your own choices, and go about your business as you choose.
What do you believe?
We live in Alabama. The bible belt. And I honestly dont know if I believe in God anymore.
Many people say that they dont believe anymore because something has happened that made them lose their faith. Nothing has happened to me that was horrible I lost faith. I just dont know if there was any there to start with. I'm not an athiest. I definitley believe there is something else, more powerful than humans, but I just cant believe that. It doesnt make sense to me at all. I just cant understand it. And maybe its because of the actual "Christians" themselves. I would actually love to believe though. It would be nice to have so much confidence and faith in something that you just know things will work out okay for you. As long as you do right, and love God. It seems like it would be so reassuring. I think it would also just be something that made you feel warm inside.
I dont even know what I am writing about. I just think I figured I would feel better if I rambled for a while. I mean, its not that I'm even really depressed. I think its mostly that I think too much alot of the time. I jsut need to start doing things differently. I need to stop letting things get to me. I think going back to work will help out some. I just need to be busy. I like being at work and just going nonstop. The busy life appeals to me. Busy with things of my own choosing, of course. Meh. I think that I might just actually be bi-polar or something. Because Aimee and I have noticed that my moods are really weird. Jumping from one extreme to another. Really giggly to just really depressed and closed off. My irritation is usually focused on one or a small amount of people. For little or no reason. Maybe I'm actually just a bitch. Hah. I have no idea.
You cant go on like this forever.
People need change.
I just need some space.
Its not you, its me.
Most days things just feel empty.
Not good, or bad. Just empty.
I wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. Or maybe I just wish there was.
Something that would explain the way I have felt for so long.
Its hard to say when it even started. Or really if it did.
Maybe its always been there. And its just recently starting to come to a head.
Some days, I hate him so much I almost cant breathe or think of anything else.
Other days, it doesnt matter.
What really bothers me though, is that some days, I understand.
I completely understand the need to run away. To push away from everything.
Things that scare me..
Vastness. Ashley and I talked about this one at the beach.
You are standing on the beach. There are a hundred or so people around you. Each of these people are going somewhere. They all came from somewhere. They each have memories, and a future. They all have experiences. They all are thinking abotu something different. They all have family and friends at home who all have their own memories and experiences. Its intense to think about. There is so much all around you all the time. All these people having their own history. And all this history is in one place at the same time. And there are a million other places where there is that much, and usually more, people with that much history and everything. All of these places are having that much at the same time. Its almost overwhelming. When you are in the car. Look at the person next to you. This person is going somewhere and they are going to meet other people. They are about to go on to the rest of their life. When I see the poeple in the other cars, is just so strange an unfathomable to think that so much is happening at the same time, and what a small part every individual person is in it. Yes, vastness is certainly a big fear.
Commitment. Now this is a particularly weird thing to be scared of. Mostly when you think abotu commitment phobics, guys come to mind. Someone who doesnt want romantic relationships. Someone who doesnt want marriage or soemthing. No, not me. Reltaionships and attachments of basically any kind make me uncomfortable. This one is a little less scary than the vastness deal, but it seems to have more effect on my life in general. The idea of being tied to something just inspires a terror in me that is usually reserved for ants and axe murderers. It inspires another reaction also, an intense need for escape. And an extreme case of pushing away. Quite the opposite though, I seem to latch onto some people with a vengance. Which brings up the next fear..
Abandonment. With all the fear of committment going on in here, it doesnt seem like abandonment would be an issue. But the people who I dont push away from, I seem to be terrified they are on the verge of being gone. Its like how everytime Tyler and Noah leave the house, I get scared I wont see them again. And this fear isnt limited to them being physically gone either. There is always the constant paranoia that the people I care about the most dont really care about me. Even down to the best of friends. There is always a feeling that there is somewhere they would rather be. Something they would rather be doing. This I think might also explain the fact that I hate for people to be mad at me (with a few exceptions.. of course).
If you could do one thing, money being no object and no consequences, what would you do?
I would just go. Wouldnt that be nice? I would love to just disappear. Strangely, that sounds better to me than anything. There is just nothing I want that college or a career can give me. Money would be nice I guess, but that would be it. What I really want, is just freedom. And thats pretty much the only thing that isnt possible to achieve. Starting the day you go to college, you are tied for practially the rest of your life. With school, comes the loans. Not to mention the obligation that, whether you realize or not, comes with having a college education. You went to school. You earned the degree. Now, do something with it. Pressure. You jsut start acquiring debt. Expectations. Responsibilities. Maybe its just my commitment phobia, but that seems overwhelming. I dont want all that. I just want to be happy somewhere. Nice things arent necessary. Of course, I'll be the first to admit that I've had a pretty nice life so far. I've had most of the random things that I've wanted, as have all of my friends. But that doesnt really pertain to what I mean. Even now, I think most of us realize that we've lead priviliged lives so far. We arent rich. We dont have every little thing we want. And of course, there is always a serious shortage of money. But, in the end, we rarely go without the things that we really want, whether pay for them by working or the parents buy them. So nice things are just that, nice. They arent necessary. I hear people say all the time that they want to go to college so they dont end up in some dead end job that they hate. But really, that only happens if you let it. I honestly think I could be just as happy, if not more, making just enough money and working somewhere that I enjoy. I dont have to have a career to validate my existence. If you think about it, theres no point to it anyways. When you die, Mr. Banker, everything goes on. Without you. What did you do with your life? You are the only one who will remember it. I dont want my life to be full of paperwork and unimportant things. I dont want to be someone important. It doesnt make sense to the way some people want to be remembered. Nobody is going to examine my life years after I die. And frankly, I'd rather they didnt. Leave my life alone, because I'm the only one who has to enjoy it. In some weird way, its the obscurity of your life that gives you freedom. Its the obscurity that lets you make your own choices, and go about your business as you choose.
What do you believe?
We live in Alabama. The bible belt. And I honestly dont know if I believe in God anymore.
Many people say that they dont believe anymore because something has happened that made them lose their faith. Nothing has happened to me that was horrible I lost faith. I just dont know if there was any there to start with. I'm not an athiest. I definitley believe there is something else, more powerful than humans, but I just cant believe that. It doesnt make sense to me at all. I just cant understand it. And maybe its because of the actual "Christians" themselves. I would actually love to believe though. It would be nice to have so much confidence and faith in something that you just know things will work out okay for you. As long as you do right, and love God. It seems like it would be so reassuring. I think it would also just be something that made you feel warm inside.
I dont even know what I am writing about. I just think I figured I would feel better if I rambled for a while. I mean, its not that I'm even really depressed. I think its mostly that I think too much alot of the time. I jsut need to start doing things differently. I need to stop letting things get to me. I think going back to work will help out some. I just need to be busy. I like being at work and just going nonstop. The busy life appeals to me. Busy with things of my own choosing, of course. Meh. I think that I might just actually be bi-polar or something. Because Aimee and I have noticed that my moods are really weird. Jumping from one extreme to another. Really giggly to just really depressed and closed off. My irritation is usually focused on one or a small amount of people. For little or no reason. Maybe I'm actually just a bitch. Hah. I have no idea.