*silence*
Well, National Day of Silence is over. The whole experience was very interesting to have, because I kept changing the way I felt all day. It didn't provoke one consistent emotion in me. Basically, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of NDOS, it's a protest act that remembers GLBT people and their allies who are affected by hate crimes. I was silent (yes, no speaking at all) from the time I woke up at 7:20 a.m. to the Breaking of the Silence at 8:15 p.m. And as you might expect, it's tough. There were moments when I was perfectly content to be silent, when I was happy because I was doing well and I didn't need to talk. There were times when I felt very frustrated, not because I couldn't communicate with people or that they were having trouble understanding me, but because I randomly wanted to say something and couldn't. There were times when it was comfortable- tabling with STARS for an hour was surprisingly nice, because I felt like we were sitting in an easy, effortless silence rather than a forced one. And sometimes, it was just plain awkward; the walk from Queen Anne to the campus center for dinner, when it was just me and my (speaking) roommate, was never more uncomfortable than it was today.
I did notice a deliberate effort on my part to be more cheerful and responsive to others, without actually speaking. It wasn't a forced friendliness, but it was very much intentional. This was probably because any kind of noticeable quietness is usually a signal to others that something is wrong. I wanted to reassure people that I was actually in a very good mood that day, and make their interactions with me as painless as possible. And interestingly enough, for an action that I was very much aware of and paying attention to, it somehow felt more sincere. When I walk past strangers or people I barely know (and this sometimes happens with closer acquaintances too) I am actually not prepared to smile at them, so my usual bright and happy smile kind of doesn't happen. Instead, when I pass people on the path and they smile at me, they usually end up getting this kind of tight, restrained, offhand smile. I don't know; it's just hard for me to burst out into a grin at the sight of a person. But smiling at random people came more naturally today, since I was trying deliberately to be very disarming. I also found that when something was funny, when I laughed it was more sincere. I don't mean to imply that I've been giving you all insincere laughing all this time, but there were so many moments today when I just genuinely laughed. In trying to get other people to let their guard down, I let down my own. And it was kind of nice. :)
As far as the internet went, I tried to limit my activities to things that didn't involve directly responding to another person. This means no commenting on livejournal or xanga, no contributing to posts on message boards, no responding to emails (unless necessary), no reviewing the fanfiction I read today, etc. I could read email and livejournal and message boards and fanfiction, but I couldn't respond to them with my own thoughts. This was actually one of the more difficult points of the day. I was really annoyed by that one livejournal comment that sat in my inbox all day, because I really wanted to answer it, but I couldn't until just a little while ago. That was pretty frustrating. I also decided that I could communicate in one way, and that was by writing notes on paper. I kind of saw this as necessary, at least in the circumstances I found myself in. It helped a lot in my modern dance class, when we performed our final projects and then discussed in groups. It also allowed me to communicate with my roommates and friends a little more. Maybe another year I will avoid that, but I think it was an exception worth making.
I've noticed that, since graduating from high school, I've abandoned a bad habit I used to have: writing in the backs of my notebooks during class. All throughout high school, I would spend most of my class time scribbling down parts of stories in the backs of my school notebooks; just drabbles and stuff like that. I actually started a writing notebook in 11th grade, as an effort to give myself a designated place to write and therefore stop myself from writing in the school materials. (It met with a varying degree of success.) It got to the point where all my notebooks were crowded with story sections as well as notes. This was basically a waste of paper, since I had to tear them out eventually, as well as a sign that I was not focusing enough on my schoolwork and not absorbing much of the lectures. It took me several months of college to realize that I don't do that anymore. College is a completely different environment, and for some reason I felt a renewed ability to focus and take notes attentively during class. It didn't even occur to me to take the latest story idea that was floating through my head and start plotting it out in the back pages of the notebook. I'm really happy that I've broken this little habit, because I really didn't absorb much of anything from high school, probably in large part because my mind was constantly preoccupied with writing. I'm writing less, but focusing more, and I think the greater flow of writing will come once I figure out the best way to coordinate it. Oh well, at least the summer's almost here. School vacations have proven to be the best times for me to write, so I should be able to produce new work fairly quickly.
I can't think if there's anything else I wanted to say; I'm getting pretty tired now, and meant to go in for a shower twenty minutes ago. So I think I'll do that now. Wishing you all a good night.
Sarah
I did notice a deliberate effort on my part to be more cheerful and responsive to others, without actually speaking. It wasn't a forced friendliness, but it was very much intentional. This was probably because any kind of noticeable quietness is usually a signal to others that something is wrong. I wanted to reassure people that I was actually in a very good mood that day, and make their interactions with me as painless as possible. And interestingly enough, for an action that I was very much aware of and paying attention to, it somehow felt more sincere. When I walk past strangers or people I barely know (and this sometimes happens with closer acquaintances too) I am actually not prepared to smile at them, so my usual bright and happy smile kind of doesn't happen. Instead, when I pass people on the path and they smile at me, they usually end up getting this kind of tight, restrained, offhand smile. I don't know; it's just hard for me to burst out into a grin at the sight of a person. But smiling at random people came more naturally today, since I was trying deliberately to be very disarming. I also found that when something was funny, when I laughed it was more sincere. I don't mean to imply that I've been giving you all insincere laughing all this time, but there were so many moments today when I just genuinely laughed. In trying to get other people to let their guard down, I let down my own. And it was kind of nice. :)
As far as the internet went, I tried to limit my activities to things that didn't involve directly responding to another person. This means no commenting on livejournal or xanga, no contributing to posts on message boards, no responding to emails (unless necessary), no reviewing the fanfiction I read today, etc. I could read email and livejournal and message boards and fanfiction, but I couldn't respond to them with my own thoughts. This was actually one of the more difficult points of the day. I was really annoyed by that one livejournal comment that sat in my inbox all day, because I really wanted to answer it, but I couldn't until just a little while ago. That was pretty frustrating. I also decided that I could communicate in one way, and that was by writing notes on paper. I kind of saw this as necessary, at least in the circumstances I found myself in. It helped a lot in my modern dance class, when we performed our final projects and then discussed in groups. It also allowed me to communicate with my roommates and friends a little more. Maybe another year I will avoid that, but I think it was an exception worth making.
I've noticed that, since graduating from high school, I've abandoned a bad habit I used to have: writing in the backs of my notebooks during class. All throughout high school, I would spend most of my class time scribbling down parts of stories in the backs of my school notebooks; just drabbles and stuff like that. I actually started a writing notebook in 11th grade, as an effort to give myself a designated place to write and therefore stop myself from writing in the school materials. (It met with a varying degree of success.) It got to the point where all my notebooks were crowded with story sections as well as notes. This was basically a waste of paper, since I had to tear them out eventually, as well as a sign that I was not focusing enough on my schoolwork and not absorbing much of the lectures. It took me several months of college to realize that I don't do that anymore. College is a completely different environment, and for some reason I felt a renewed ability to focus and take notes attentively during class. It didn't even occur to me to take the latest story idea that was floating through my head and start plotting it out in the back pages of the notebook. I'm really happy that I've broken this little habit, because I really didn't absorb much of anything from high school, probably in large part because my mind was constantly preoccupied with writing. I'm writing less, but focusing more, and I think the greater flow of writing will come once I figure out the best way to coordinate it. Oh well, at least the summer's almost here. School vacations have proven to be the best times for me to write, so I should be able to produce new work fairly quickly.
I can't think if there's anything else I wanted to say; I'm getting pretty tired now, and meant to go in for a shower twenty minutes ago. So I think I'll do that now. Wishing you all a good night.
Sarah