ugh
So I feel weird and slightly nauseous even making this post. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it reveals my bad jidgment. Or maybe I just don't want to think about the topic anymore. But Im pretty sure writing out my thoughts will help me get past this.
So basically I'm in a friends with benifits relationship with my ex. I don't regret it most of the time. Hes still a great friend and we have a lot of fun together. Oh and the sex is absolutely amazing. AMAZING.
Everyonce and a while though I find myself slipping past the good friend stage. I'm reminded that I still do love him and he loves me. Very much. I get caught up in happy delusions that maybe we can make it work and after he graduates he will follow me were ever I move and we can still work on this crazy weird relationship thing we have going.
Then. Then I am jolted painfully back to earth. I am reminded why we didn't work in the first place and why we never will.
Went to his place this weekend. Just to hang out and have fun. Everything went great. I cheered him up, we let Nathan play at the park, and watched the latest episodes of Doctor Who.
Then in the last thirty minutes or so I notice the bikini top on his floor. At first I'm confused. He hadn't mentioned meeting any girls or bringing them home. I ask and he says it was just a random girl at a bar. The instant he said it I felt wildly betrayed and hurt. I want to make it about the fact that he didn't tell me, that does bother me. Bit the truth is is that he's not required to and I am intensely and insanely jealous. The thought that I lay in the same bed as a random girl in a bar makes me feel sick. Why didn't he tell me? I would have been less shocked and more prepared if he had just told me he was sleeping with other people. I wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking it was just me. He hide things from me AGAIN in order not to deal with the fallout. And now I don't even have the clout of being his girlfriend to tear into him about it. So its just me hurting myself because I'm holding on.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
So basically I'm in a friends with benifits relationship with my ex. I don't regret it most of the time. Hes still a great friend and we have a lot of fun together. Oh and the sex is absolutely amazing. AMAZING.
Everyonce and a while though I find myself slipping past the good friend stage. I'm reminded that I still do love him and he loves me. Very much. I get caught up in happy delusions that maybe we can make it work and after he graduates he will follow me were ever I move and we can still work on this crazy weird relationship thing we have going.
Then. Then I am jolted painfully back to earth. I am reminded why we didn't work in the first place and why we never will.
Went to his place this weekend. Just to hang out and have fun. Everything went great. I cheered him up, we let Nathan play at the park, and watched the latest episodes of Doctor Who.
Then in the last thirty minutes or so I notice the bikini top on his floor. At first I'm confused. He hadn't mentioned meeting any girls or bringing them home. I ask and he says it was just a random girl at a bar. The instant he said it I felt wildly betrayed and hurt. I want to make it about the fact that he didn't tell me, that does bother me. Bit the truth is is that he's not required to and I am intensely and insanely jealous. The thought that I lay in the same bed as a random girl in a bar makes me feel sick. Why didn't he tell me? I would have been less shocked and more prepared if he had just told me he was sleeping with other people. I wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking it was just me. He hide things from me AGAIN in order not to deal with the fallout. And now I don't even have the clout of being his girlfriend to tear into him about it. So its just me hurting myself because I'm holding on.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.