(no subject)
So I'm tired of laying in bed pretending like I'm completely okay. Telling myself over and over that I'm going to be okay.
I will be eventually. I know I'm not right now. Okay does not constitute breaking down into tears when I think no one's looking. I know I can't do what I did last time. I need to reach out and get the help I need now.
I just wish I didn't hurt so bad.
So to sum everything neatly me and my boyfriend have broken up. So yes it's one of those heartbreak stories. But it feels like I've lost so much more. I've been planning so mindlessly thinking that everything could work out. Why not? We loved each other didn't we? I've been so excited, thinking of the house we were going to live in, how I would live and get along with his son. I was thinking of how wonderful it would be to live with him every day. See him, crack jokes, hear him talk about his work.
I wanted it so bad and I had made up my mind so solidly to be with him that I was blind to see it falling down around my ears. All the signs were there. I just didn't want to see it.
I have to drum in my head over and over that my life is still intact. It feels like in one fell swoop I've lost my future and my relationship but it's simply not true. I'm still going to graduate at the end of this summer. I still have my son who is wonderful. My ex is still my friend and I think my life will be better with him around. I still have my friends.
I have to keep going. I have to keep it together. I have friends to lean on, a good job, a career to look forward to. I'm getting a cat as soon as I clean up my apartment. I now have time for my hobbies and I now know some hot spots to hang around town.
Everything is going to be fine.
Now if I can get myself to stop crying I'll be a lot better.
It doesn't help that I'm suddenly overwhelmed with real life.
I know that sounds stupid. I should have been better prepared. I should not have relied on a relationship. But I did. And I suddenly find myself in the role of single mother again. It's all I can do not to have a panic attack the last few days every time I think about it. The money. The budgeting. Bills. Everything all on my own. No one to share it with. No one to help me with the burden. Not really. I feel so heavy. And so alone.
I will be eventually. I know I'm not right now. Okay does not constitute breaking down into tears when I think no one's looking. I know I can't do what I did last time. I need to reach out and get the help I need now.
I just wish I didn't hurt so bad.
So to sum everything neatly me and my boyfriend have broken up. So yes it's one of those heartbreak stories. But it feels like I've lost so much more. I've been planning so mindlessly thinking that everything could work out. Why not? We loved each other didn't we? I've been so excited, thinking of the house we were going to live in, how I would live and get along with his son. I was thinking of how wonderful it would be to live with him every day. See him, crack jokes, hear him talk about his work.
I wanted it so bad and I had made up my mind so solidly to be with him that I was blind to see it falling down around my ears. All the signs were there. I just didn't want to see it.
I have to drum in my head over and over that my life is still intact. It feels like in one fell swoop I've lost my future and my relationship but it's simply not true. I'm still going to graduate at the end of this summer. I still have my son who is wonderful. My ex is still my friend and I think my life will be better with him around. I still have my friends.
I have to keep going. I have to keep it together. I have friends to lean on, a good job, a career to look forward to. I'm getting a cat as soon as I clean up my apartment. I now have time for my hobbies and I now know some hot spots to hang around town.
Everything is going to be fine.
Now if I can get myself to stop crying I'll be a lot better.
It doesn't help that I'm suddenly overwhelmed with real life.
I know that sounds stupid. I should have been better prepared. I should not have relied on a relationship. But I did. And I suddenly find myself in the role of single mother again. It's all I can do not to have a panic attack the last few days every time I think about it. The money. The budgeting. Bills. Everything all on my own. No one to share it with. No one to help me with the burden. Not really. I feel so heavy. And so alone.