(no subject)
Is it weird I had a shock a little while ago, remembering I actually gave birth?
Cut for ridiculous length
I've been cleaning out a few boxes of my old things today, Shifting through childhood memories good and bad. I guess I got lost in the nostalgia. I'm still surrounded by things that I've owned for over a decade, living in the same house I've lived in all my life. I guess even though I'm older and have grown up a bit, it's easy for me to get lost in my head and forget I really am an adult.
Chasing Itty bit through the house I stumbled across a old photo album my Mom put together of pictures of the said itty bit when he was just born. When I was still in the hospital. I guess these past few months I've been so busy trying to build a new life, I've been trying to bury the bad parts of the old one. I sat there, looking at the pictures of myself in the hideous purple nightgown my mother had bought me, looking so run down and... NOT THERE. I'm not sure why I was so shocked remembering I had given birth. But the memories just kind of washed over me. How much I broke my fathers heart, my mother's hand in mine, holding my breath as I waited, waited for that sound that all mothers want to hear. Crying when air filled his little lungs and he gave his first loud bawl that filled the room. I even remember Wayne distantly. Though more than once I wanted to punch him in the face.
Why can't I remember the happy memories?? I had a great childhood. My time away at college was filled with friends and great times. Back home wasn't great but I generally had a job and a few friends. My time with Wayne wasn't even that bad. I know I'm dramatic about it, and some bad things DID happen, but nothing I shouldn't be able to work through.
So why am I so sad ALL of the time. Why is it a fight every moment to remind myself I'm happy, I'm doing good. Forcing myself to look in the mirror and recognize the good, along with accepting the bad. Why is it a fight every day? Why don't I believe anyone when they give me a compliment? Why do I fight so hard against it? Would it really be so bad to admit I'm smart? Would it be so bad to say I'm creative? Or thoughtful?
Recently I was convinced by my freind to get on OKcupid. I know a few of you are probably reeling away in horror and hissing at the screen but... I kind of like it. Yeah it's got it's creeps, but that's any internet group site. As long as use some kind of common sense it's fairly easy to separate the genuine from the morons. And while common sense isn't always my specialty, I have my unlabeled friend to lean on for moral support.
It's actually really nice to know that there are people out there who find me attractive. Who think they might like me, just from the few little paragraphs I wrote for my profile. I've even been getting attention from girls. So much human contact at once kind of leaves me feeling frayed and burned out. But... it still gives me some sort of peace of mind. Even though I don't really want to date right now, there really is hope for me to find someone.
Lately I've mild panic attacks now, every time I don't do something I feel like I should be doing. It's ridiculous and stressful. But every time I think I'm going to fall behind, something will fall apart and I'll be right back to where I was before. And I can't do it. I just can't. I won't be able to pick myself up again. The anxiety wells up in my chest like a ball, making it hard to breath. Making it hard to do anything, until I get going. I would sound like all I have to do is keep up with everything right? But when you have a mind like mine things just slip through the cracks. Some days I'm just running around my apartment, forcing myself to breath slow and steady as as I clean and try and remember what I needed to get done. It's frustrating, and I know I need to work on it. But I don't know how.
My shoulders ache, but I think after I finally put the bit to bed I am going to pick up the needles again and try and get more of this scarf done. For some reason I now find this easy pattern not so hard to do. Different way of thinking perhaps?
Cut for ridiculous length
I've been cleaning out a few boxes of my old things today, Shifting through childhood memories good and bad. I guess I got lost in the nostalgia. I'm still surrounded by things that I've owned for over a decade, living in the same house I've lived in all my life. I guess even though I'm older and have grown up a bit, it's easy for me to get lost in my head and forget I really am an adult.
Chasing Itty bit through the house I stumbled across a old photo album my Mom put together of pictures of the said itty bit when he was just born. When I was still in the hospital. I guess these past few months I've been so busy trying to build a new life, I've been trying to bury the bad parts of the old one. I sat there, looking at the pictures of myself in the hideous purple nightgown my mother had bought me, looking so run down and... NOT THERE. I'm not sure why I was so shocked remembering I had given birth. But the memories just kind of washed over me. How much I broke my fathers heart, my mother's hand in mine, holding my breath as I waited, waited for that sound that all mothers want to hear. Crying when air filled his little lungs and he gave his first loud bawl that filled the room. I even remember Wayne distantly. Though more than once I wanted to punch him in the face.
Why can't I remember the happy memories?? I had a great childhood. My time away at college was filled with friends and great times. Back home wasn't great but I generally had a job and a few friends. My time with Wayne wasn't even that bad. I know I'm dramatic about it, and some bad things DID happen, but nothing I shouldn't be able to work through.
So why am I so sad ALL of the time. Why is it a fight every moment to remind myself I'm happy, I'm doing good. Forcing myself to look in the mirror and recognize the good, along with accepting the bad. Why is it a fight every day? Why don't I believe anyone when they give me a compliment? Why do I fight so hard against it? Would it really be so bad to admit I'm smart? Would it be so bad to say I'm creative? Or thoughtful?
Recently I was convinced by my freind to get on OKcupid. I know a few of you are probably reeling away in horror and hissing at the screen but... I kind of like it. Yeah it's got it's creeps, but that's any internet group site. As long as use some kind of common sense it's fairly easy to separate the genuine from the morons. And while common sense isn't always my specialty, I have my unlabeled friend to lean on for moral support.
It's actually really nice to know that there are people out there who find me attractive. Who think they might like me, just from the few little paragraphs I wrote for my profile. I've even been getting attention from girls. So much human contact at once kind of leaves me feeling frayed and burned out. But... it still gives me some sort of peace of mind. Even though I don't really want to date right now, there really is hope for me to find someone.
Lately I've mild panic attacks now, every time I don't do something I feel like I should be doing. It's ridiculous and stressful. But every time I think I'm going to fall behind, something will fall apart and I'll be right back to where I was before. And I can't do it. I just can't. I won't be able to pick myself up again. The anxiety wells up in my chest like a ball, making it hard to breath. Making it hard to do anything, until I get going. I would sound like all I have to do is keep up with everything right? But when you have a mind like mine things just slip through the cracks. Some days I'm just running around my apartment, forcing myself to breath slow and steady as as I clean and try and remember what I needed to get done. It's frustrating, and I know I need to work on it. But I don't know how.
My shoulders ache, but I think after I finally put the bit to bed I am going to pick up the needles again and try and get more of this scarf done. For some reason I now find this easy pattern not so hard to do. Different way of thinking perhaps?