i AM human
last night i went to Roxy's. she had been textin me pretty much every hour askin me what i was doing, so i KNEW she mush have been bored. lol and i told her that too. she laughed away and said that she was super bored. but lets go back a few night to...
saturday when audry and i were at minette's and audry decided to be a downer and bring up minettes dad. she starts crying and i think to myself, "oh yes audry. YOU should totally be crying cause he was YOUR dad, right? pshhh, if anyone should be cryin here its minette and not you, but whatever." so minette starts talkin about how she dreams about him and i finally talk and say, "youre lucky that you dream about him. i havent had a single dream about Dice, i havent seen him in forever or had any contact." they didnt say much back. just kinda said yeah and went back to minette's dad. okay to back to last night...
at roxy's. shes tellin me how audry told her about that night and how i threw them off when i brought up dice cause he was a dog. and like, i get how audry could say that for herself, but she cant speak for minette. minette knows and understands how Dice was a brother to jenny and i. roxy knows too. and so after Audry had left roxy's, roxy gets on the phone with ruby and starts tellin her about that. and ruby was saying how that Audry needs to understand that i have had Dice for pretty much my whole life. and how he's a brother. and roxy agreed with her. its good to know that they have my back. im not sayin audry doesnt, but shes so off. and maybe its cause ive never been too close to her, so duh shes not gonna get it much, but shes been part of the group long enough to know that Dice was my mom's life and my favorite fury soul. it sitll angers me. and then Roxy told me that Audry asked if i even cry. she asked if i cried when he died. audry is not stupid and shes not blind, but now im beginning to question that. like really?...REALLY!?!? ive never cried so much in my life. ive never felt so dark or dead. i didnt talk. i didnt eat. i didnt even listen to music. i went out and i stared blankly at ppl saying nothing. with everyone askin me how he died. i hated the world and i hated myself. i hated my house. remembering it is makin me wanna cry right now. like WTF!? Dice was my best friend. we played. he was always there, even when i wasnt. he was there for everyone.... and now he's not. this house hasnt been the same since. i havent been the same. im constantly thinkin about him... like WWDD. or what would dice think. what would he want. where would he be if he was home right now. would he be in my room, or in my mom's?.. or outside?... i tel roxy. "its like she thinks im not human!" for someone who thinks she knows everything about everyone, she knows nothing about me. when we were JRs i was hangin out with leslie and ashly a lot. and i had my reasons. they helped me come to terms with my feelings and helped me come out as a bisexual. audry goes around tellin the girls that i was just doin it cause i was hangin out with them and i wanted to fit in. that i was a little butterfly and always went from ppl to ppl. look at me know, im fkn gay and i have most of the same friends. Audry like to think shes the only one with issues and want ppl to feel sorry for her and give her attention. the world doesnt revolve around her. there are other ppl with problems.
but yeah, im totally gonna get her straight and tell her everything in a nice way cause shes a child an im nice. roxy also said that to audry its just a dog and like... hmm, as if it doesnt compare to a human or something. and i said that its the same shit. love is love, family is family. ive seen how audry is with shania (her parents dog)she does the baby talk and kisses her. how could she be like that with dice and i? its fucked up. Dice was three months from 12. minette had her dad three years more than i had Dice. its not that big if a time laps. Audry DOES need to understand that Dice IS my brother and you cant replace that, or get over it; you cant go on as if nothing. i know ill never be the same. im a little darker, im a little more serious, im a little more negative and im a little more afraid... im a little more dead.
when you lose someone you love, its the same. LOVE makes it the same.
all that talk about Dice at Roxy sparked a dream last night. i dreamed that i was at goya's house... i think, and some lady got there carrying her dalmatian he was almost full grown and looked similar to Dice. i think she was givin him away and i was like "look mom!! a dalmatian!" and she was like oh tan chulo! and i go pet it and Dice appears. he's sitting in a chair and then i like had an out of dream thought: "oh my gosh, Dice... i see you." and im back in my dream and my dream self wasnt surprised to see him. it was like he was there all along and so the two dogs are there. just lookin around. as if tryin to see what ppl are lookin at what dog. whos gettin the most looks. lol. it nice to see him. but it wasnt him. it was just him in a dream. it wasnt some message from him or him comin to visit. it felt like i only dreamed him cause we had talked about him. meanin there was a reason for the dream. :/
i wish he's really visit. it makes me wonder if he's even there... its like he's really dead... and i dont wanna accept it.
saturday when audry and i were at minette's and audry decided to be a downer and bring up minettes dad. she starts crying and i think to myself, "oh yes audry. YOU should totally be crying cause he was YOUR dad, right? pshhh, if anyone should be cryin here its minette and not you, but whatever." so minette starts talkin about how she dreams about him and i finally talk and say, "youre lucky that you dream about him. i havent had a single dream about Dice, i havent seen him in forever or had any contact." they didnt say much back. just kinda said yeah and went back to minette's dad. okay to back to last night...
at roxy's. shes tellin me how audry told her about that night and how i threw them off when i brought up dice cause he was a dog. and like, i get how audry could say that for herself, but she cant speak for minette. minette knows and understands how Dice was a brother to jenny and i. roxy knows too. and so after Audry had left roxy's, roxy gets on the phone with ruby and starts tellin her about that. and ruby was saying how that Audry needs to understand that i have had Dice for pretty much my whole life. and how he's a brother. and roxy agreed with her. its good to know that they have my back. im not sayin audry doesnt, but shes so off. and maybe its cause ive never been too close to her, so duh shes not gonna get it much, but shes been part of the group long enough to know that Dice was my mom's life and my favorite fury soul. it sitll angers me. and then Roxy told me that Audry asked if i even cry. she asked if i cried when he died. audry is not stupid and shes not blind, but now im beginning to question that. like really?...REALLY!?!? ive never cried so much in my life. ive never felt so dark or dead. i didnt talk. i didnt eat. i didnt even listen to music. i went out and i stared blankly at ppl saying nothing. with everyone askin me how he died. i hated the world and i hated myself. i hated my house. remembering it is makin me wanna cry right now. like WTF!? Dice was my best friend. we played. he was always there, even when i wasnt. he was there for everyone.... and now he's not. this house hasnt been the same since. i havent been the same. im constantly thinkin about him... like WWDD. or what would dice think. what would he want. where would he be if he was home right now. would he be in my room, or in my mom's?.. or outside?... i tel roxy. "its like she thinks im not human!" for someone who thinks she knows everything about everyone, she knows nothing about me. when we were JRs i was hangin out with leslie and ashly a lot. and i had my reasons. they helped me come to terms with my feelings and helped me come out as a bisexual. audry goes around tellin the girls that i was just doin it cause i was hangin out with them and i wanted to fit in. that i was a little butterfly and always went from ppl to ppl. look at me know, im fkn gay and i have most of the same friends. Audry like to think shes the only one with issues and want ppl to feel sorry for her and give her attention. the world doesnt revolve around her. there are other ppl with problems.
but yeah, im totally gonna get her straight and tell her everything in a nice way cause shes a child an im nice. roxy also said that to audry its just a dog and like... hmm, as if it doesnt compare to a human or something. and i said that its the same shit. love is love, family is family. ive seen how audry is with shania (her parents dog)she does the baby talk and kisses her. how could she be like that with dice and i? its fucked up. Dice was three months from 12. minette had her dad three years more than i had Dice. its not that big if a time laps. Audry DOES need to understand that Dice IS my brother and you cant replace that, or get over it; you cant go on as if nothing. i know ill never be the same. im a little darker, im a little more serious, im a little more negative and im a little more afraid... im a little more dead.
when you lose someone you love, its the same. LOVE makes it the same.
all that talk about Dice at Roxy sparked a dream last night. i dreamed that i was at goya's house... i think, and some lady got there carrying her dalmatian he was almost full grown and looked similar to Dice. i think she was givin him away and i was like "look mom!! a dalmatian!" and she was like oh tan chulo! and i go pet it and Dice appears. he's sitting in a chair and then i like had an out of dream thought: "oh my gosh, Dice... i see you." and im back in my dream and my dream self wasnt surprised to see him. it was like he was there all along and so the two dogs are there. just lookin around. as if tryin to see what ppl are lookin at what dog. whos gettin the most looks. lol. it nice to see him. but it wasnt him. it was just him in a dream. it wasnt some message from him or him comin to visit. it felt like i only dreamed him cause we had talked about him. meanin there was a reason for the dream. :/
i wish he's really visit. it makes me wonder if he's even there... its like he's really dead... and i dont wanna accept it.