Rant Inc
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There isn't gonna be a fiction post for yesterday. I'm not bothering to catch up on it. I didn't have time to do it, and I don't feel the need to put myself under the constant restraint of always making up for days when I didn't have time.
My life is fine, but aspects of it suck. I hate having to beg for money when everyone else around me seems to be getting along just fine. I hate that my belt tightening needs to be so extreme that I need to wait a week to get $10 coolant for my car, so that I can go home for a week and not have my car explode.
I hate that I always fall in love with people who change, people who won't have me, or people who are nowhere near my life. I hate it, utterly and completely, and I hate that expressing it never seems to help when I'm around other people. Honestly, the only catharsis I get is writing it here, and even that is starting to sound repetitive and trite.
I hate that my moods change so quickly, and so predictably. I hate that certain actions can take an otherwise great night and turn it into a downward spiral that ends here. I hate that it seems like a lot of my life's problems - most of them at least - could be solved by a few hundred bucks and a fake ID. That disgusts me, but in the end, I realize that I am being intellectually satisfied. I've got a whole pile of books. I'm keeping up with my work for the semester, and I'm in possibly the best physical shape of my life. My lacks are not anything but primal needs. I need a place that feels like home - and my bed seems more and more alien every night. I need food, and I'm tired of the choice between shit from Ray and food I can't afford. I need physical emotional gratification, and no one's even catching my eye anymore. I feel emotionally exhausted - like even if someone turned around and said they'd fallen madly in love with me, all I could do is look at them and say that they're too late, because the fire is gone now.
I feel like ash. I'm sleeping more again - not 8 hours, but closer to 10 and 12. More naps too. Some of you know what that's a symptom of, and that annoys me more than anything. I beat this shit. It's done. I was stronger than it, and it went away. I don't want it back, and I don't know if i'm strong enough to do this whole god damned thing over again.
And I can't help but think that if I could just crawl into bed with someone I loved, that it would be better and I could deal with all of this and not have these emotional breakdowns whenever someone does anything I envy. I just don't understand sometimes, and I feel like I should.
Bed now. Gnite.
There isn't gonna be a fiction post for yesterday. I'm not bothering to catch up on it. I didn't have time to do it, and I don't feel the need to put myself under the constant restraint of always making up for days when I didn't have time.
My life is fine, but aspects of it suck. I hate having to beg for money when everyone else around me seems to be getting along just fine. I hate that my belt tightening needs to be so extreme that I need to wait a week to get $10 coolant for my car, so that I can go home for a week and not have my car explode.
I hate that I always fall in love with people who change, people who won't have me, or people who are nowhere near my life. I hate it, utterly and completely, and I hate that expressing it never seems to help when I'm around other people. Honestly, the only catharsis I get is writing it here, and even that is starting to sound repetitive and trite.
I hate that my moods change so quickly, and so predictably. I hate that certain actions can take an otherwise great night and turn it into a downward spiral that ends here. I hate that it seems like a lot of my life's problems - most of them at least - could be solved by a few hundred bucks and a fake ID. That disgusts me, but in the end, I realize that I am being intellectually satisfied. I've got a whole pile of books. I'm keeping up with my work for the semester, and I'm in possibly the best physical shape of my life. My lacks are not anything but primal needs. I need a place that feels like home - and my bed seems more and more alien every night. I need food, and I'm tired of the choice between shit from Ray and food I can't afford. I need physical emotional gratification, and no one's even catching my eye anymore. I feel emotionally exhausted - like even if someone turned around and said they'd fallen madly in love with me, all I could do is look at them and say that they're too late, because the fire is gone now.
I feel like ash. I'm sleeping more again - not 8 hours, but closer to 10 and 12. More naps too. Some of you know what that's a symptom of, and that annoys me more than anything. I beat this shit. It's done. I was stronger than it, and it went away. I don't want it back, and I don't know if i'm strong enough to do this whole god damned thing over again.
And I can't help but think that if I could just crawl into bed with someone I loved, that it would be better and I could deal with all of this and not have these emotional breakdowns whenever someone does anything I envy. I just don't understand sometimes, and I feel like I should.
Bed now. Gnite.