Maybe will end up in CoF? Probably not though.

[sadrach]

Lie together in our bed,
pull us closer, emotions fed.
Tell each other how we feel
mourn the fact that this ain't real.

Sun comes up, sleep eluded
My mind keeps spinning, I'm deluded.
Dreams come e'er more common now,
but I know...

They're not real.
I'm not that happy.
You're not here.
And you never will be.

Comments

Hmm

[angel_guardia]

I'm not sure if it will work out to be in CoF or not, but I like it anyways. It reminds me of a mix between Thoreau and Shakespeare with a touch of Poe ... I know, strange mix, but for some reason that's what it reminds me of. I like it.

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

Poe. You see Shakespeare in that? I see more Browning, the illusion and the lie and all...

I can see this working very well in CoF, actually, just not as the thing (both the poem and the greater work) stand right now. I also think that it's cool that it could work for both genders, though because it's your LJ I hear it in your voice. Still, it sounds just as potent from a female speaker.

(the mixture of "e'er" and "ain't". Argh, pick a time period for colloquialism, or my speaker moves from jeans and a t-shirt to wool tights and a feathered cap. **wonders what that combination would actually look like**)

Re: Hmm

[sadrach]

Actually, this was designed to be in Ian's voice, which is basically a distorted version of mine. As a result, since I would use words like that, I feel like he could too, especially if he thought it fit the rhyme scheme.

Thinking about it more, 'ain't' doesn't fit quite as well as I would've liked. Maybe "mourn the fact that it's not real" instead. It's something to think about if I end up revising it.

My only issue is adding it in without developing the romance too much. CoF is supposed to be about this conflict that doesn't have very much to do with romance at all. So this doesn't seem to fit too much, thematically, at least as far as it's been written so far.

Opinion?

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

As I said, neither the poem nor the work itself are, I think, ready for each other yet. I do, however, see this working very well as an addition: a symptom of the struggle that isn't romantic at all, instead of the cause. Because let's face it, a conflict that deep spreads to everything in one's life, regardless. Both of us can attest to that.

I'm realizing as I read through CoF again and again that I can't decide if I want Ian's story to be longer, the thing to have more books/volumes with others' stories, or both. If you want this in there though, I think it can definitely work, just not without some tweaking to both.

Re: Hmm

[angel_guardia]

Yes, I do see some Shakespeare. I know it's weird, and I can't put my finger on exactly why I see Shakespeare, but I do ...

I agree with what Kaly said about the "ain't" v. "e'er", and I, too, would like to be able to sufficiently form an image of a redneck Victorian (lol).

And as for Kaly's 'conflict' about the story being longer, I personally would like to see both more of Ian's story, as well as others' stories.

And I just realized that this post was ... verging on superfluous, almost...

Re: Hmm

[sadrach]

Well, the current plan is both. Alot of Ian's story (which is, by necessity, tied into some of the other characters like Kaitlyn, Eve, and the Pixie, has yet to be written in, so his section is definitely being expanded.

Likewise, the other characters have their part to say, and that's definitely gonna need to be included by the end of it. So, the answer to your decision is that I'm going to do both, but the more critical question is this:

Does the theme of this poem, the romance inherent with it, too likely to make me add in people I know, and more importantly, people I'm crushing on. I don't want this to be an autobiography, but it's own story, and if I include this, I'm going to want to include the object of it, which is going to make it into a romance, at least in some way, and I'm hesitant to involve that, for fear of invoking too much from my life.

It's a real concern, so yea...Opinion again?

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

Then compromise:

Keep the poem, but put it aside. If you're worried about the greater context of the story more than about the above-written poem, write the story first. Don't aim to include or exclude it, just write it. If it fits later, or seems appropriate, give it a try. Then, if you need it, you have it. If it turns out that it doesn't have/need a place in CoF, then you've lost nothing over it.

However: as a writer, separating yourself from a story like this is impossible. Too much of you is in this already. What I'm getting from you thus far is that you hope to make it into an every-man-like-me story, instead of a just-about-me-story. With the collaboration between you and EJ, this works, so let other voices speak with yours inside these characters and this story, or you _will_ end up with an autobiography.

Re: Hmm

[angel_guardia]

Ok, if you put it that way, I would be hesitant to turn it into too much of a romance. It would be interesting to see a little bit of romantic 'drama' (for lack of a better word) in the story, but if you're afraid of it turning into too much of an autobiography, I would suggest minimizing the romance involved.

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

But romance (or its shallow attempts) are an inherent part of college life. Ignoring it would rob the story of an aspect of depth that I think has the possibility to make it richer and far more thorough.

Again, two sides, find the compromise. Good luck, regardless, and ask if you need/want anything else.