fic: darkness can't touch our lives (2/2)
Title: darkness can't touch our lives (2/2)
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG-13 (tw: mentions of rape)
Pairing/Character: Beckett, Castle/Beckett
Spoilers: None.
Summary: She doesn’t do this. Not usually. Sure, maybe sometimes work bleeds a little too much into her personal life. Sometimes she identifies with the victims families a little too much. Sometimes she crosses lines. But this is different.
Part One
He carries her across her living room, through the doorway to her bedroom, and gently lowers her to the bed. She almost immediately turns her face away from him and curls her knees into her chest, trying to calm her shaking body.
He takes his shoes back off and lays his jacket across the arm of the chair in the corner of the room. His belt comes off too, and his button down, leaving him standing in his jeans and undershirt.
He seems unsure of what to do next, and she doesn’t want to make him feel any worse about the day’s events, so she turns and tries to taper her sobs before she finally speaks.
“Castle.”
“Yeah?” It’s quiet, completely lacking his usual confidence.
“Come get in bed.”
He nods and undoes his button and zipper before quickly pulling his jeans over his legs. He walks timidly to the other side of the bed-the one that has distinctly become his side-and climbs under the covers. She reaches back to him without looking, tugging on his bicep in a silent invitation for him to spoon her. He moves willingly, bringing one hand up to move her hair out of her face before pressing a light, unassuming kiss to her cheek.
“I’m sorry I shut you out.”
“Kate, you don’t have to-“
“No, Castle. I should have just told you I needed space instead of making you feel like an ass.”
He doesn’t respond, just silently strokes his fingers through her silky hair, listening to the comforting sound of her even breathing.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He sounds so apprehensive that her heart almost shatters at the sound.
She remains silent for a few moments while she contemplates.
“It was in college, just a few months after my mom died. I had just transferred to NYU a few weeks before and… there was this guy who I was sort of friends with and we were drinking. He’d only had a couple of beers but I was pretty wasted.”
She pauses to take a few deep breaths. She knows she needs to be careful with her wording if she doesn’t want Castle to make this into a bigger deal than it is. She dealt with this over a decade ago and most of the time she doesn’t even think of it as something that had a profound effect on her life. And she really doesn’t need him ripping open any more old wounds.
“He offered to walk me to my dorm room. I thought he was being nice… but when we got there he started kissing me and so I told him I just wanted to go to bed. But… he was being really rough and holding my wrists down and then he just…it just happened.”
“Oh god, Kate, I’m so sorry-“
The pity in his voice almost makes her angry all over again.
“Castle, please don’t go there. This happened a long time ago. I’ve already healed.”
“Did you ever report him?”
She should have anticipated the question but for some reason, it hadn’t crossed her mind. She’d decided she wasn’t going lie to him but she knows he isn’t going to like the answer to this one.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I guess I thought that it was kind of my own fault. I was drunk and I had been pretty reckless since my mom died. I was having a lot of risky sex and…I don’t know. I guess I just felt like I deserved it.”
She regrets saying it the minute it leaves her mouth. Castle doesn’t need to hear that, doesn’t need to be privy to the state of mind she used to harbor. This is why she doesn’t talk about her younger days very often.
“Beckett, that’s not-“
“I know that now. It took a lot of therapy but I get it now.”
Castle sighs heavily, his grip on her bicep tightening.
“So today… it being at NYU and stuff… it reminded you.”
“Yeah. It was weird because I hadn’t even thought about it in months but… I guess it just made me think about how wrong people’s ideas about rape are. People think that rapists are monsters-“
“Rapists are monsters, Kate.”
“But rape isn’t rare, Castle. Rapists aren’t rare. What happened to me and what happened to our victim happens every day and the guys who do it don’t even realize that it’s rape half the time.”
He’s silent then as the tension in the room begins to dissipate. He takes a deep breathe before he speaks again.
“He had to have realized it. You told him to stop, he held you down. There’s no way he didn’t realize he was doing something wrong.”
“Maybe. But I really don’t know. Some people think that if you’re not screaming and crying that you’re not really saying no.”
“Well, that’s bullshit.”
She turns around in his arms and cups his cheek in her hand. She can tell this is getting to him and she doesn’t want to make it any more difficult for either of them.
“Castle, I’m okay. I’m not broken. I just had a rough day.”
“It’s just…if it affected you that much today then maybe you should take some time off, sit this one out.”
“I’m alright. It’s actually been really nice to be able to talk to you about it. I was worried you would overreact but you’ve been pretty calm. I really appreciate that, Castle.”
He smiles and gives her a quick kiss on the crown of her head.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yeah. I think it’ll make me feel better to catch the guy. I mean…I know it’s only one but…symbolically, I guess, it feels important.”
“Okay. I understand.” He kisses her head again and then presses his forehead gently into hers. “All I ask is that you talk to me if you start feeling bad again, okay?”
“Promise.”
She lets her eyes slip closed then, just enjoying the presence of his body next to hers. They spend a few moments in silence, both relieved to finally have this out in the open.
“Do you need anything?” He’s whispering, probably unsure if she’s even still awake.
“Yeah, could you just get me a glass of water?”
“Of course.”
He starts to get up, to delicately disentangle his body from hers before dropping a kiss on her shoulder.
“Beckett?”
“Yeah?”
She can’t quite handle having eye contact with him right now so she doesn’t turn around.
“Nothing you tell me could ever change the way I see you. You will always been strong and brave and extraordinary in my eyes, okay? I want you to know that.”
She can feel the tears welling up again but she doesn’t care. She turns to face him, smiling.
“Thank you, Castle.”
He smiles back and starts to walk out of the room.
“Castle?”
“Yeah?”
“I mean that. For everything. I need you to know that.”
He nods, smiles softly and turns back around to walk toward the kitchen.
She hasn’t said it yet, hasn’t told him how much he really means to her, but sometimes the words ring through her head at high speed, begging to be let out.
I love you, Castle.
Soon, she tells herself.
Soon.
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG-13 (tw: mentions of rape)
Pairing/Character: Beckett, Castle/Beckett
Spoilers: None.
Summary: She doesn’t do this. Not usually. Sure, maybe sometimes work bleeds a little too much into her personal life. Sometimes she identifies with the victims families a little too much. Sometimes she crosses lines. But this is different.
Part One
He carries her across her living room, through the doorway to her bedroom, and gently lowers her to the bed. She almost immediately turns her face away from him and curls her knees into her chest, trying to calm her shaking body.
He takes his shoes back off and lays his jacket across the arm of the chair in the corner of the room. His belt comes off too, and his button down, leaving him standing in his jeans and undershirt.
He seems unsure of what to do next, and she doesn’t want to make him feel any worse about the day’s events, so she turns and tries to taper her sobs before she finally speaks.
“Castle.”
“Yeah?” It’s quiet, completely lacking his usual confidence.
“Come get in bed.”
He nods and undoes his button and zipper before quickly pulling his jeans over his legs. He walks timidly to the other side of the bed-the one that has distinctly become his side-and climbs under the covers. She reaches back to him without looking, tugging on his bicep in a silent invitation for him to spoon her. He moves willingly, bringing one hand up to move her hair out of her face before pressing a light, unassuming kiss to her cheek.
“I’m sorry I shut you out.”
“Kate, you don’t have to-“
“No, Castle. I should have just told you I needed space instead of making you feel like an ass.”
He doesn’t respond, just silently strokes his fingers through her silky hair, listening to the comforting sound of her even breathing.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He sounds so apprehensive that her heart almost shatters at the sound.
She remains silent for a few moments while she contemplates.
“It was in college, just a few months after my mom died. I had just transferred to NYU a few weeks before and… there was this guy who I was sort of friends with and we were drinking. He’d only had a couple of beers but I was pretty wasted.”
She pauses to take a few deep breaths. She knows she needs to be careful with her wording if she doesn’t want Castle to make this into a bigger deal than it is. She dealt with this over a decade ago and most of the time she doesn’t even think of it as something that had a profound effect on her life. And she really doesn’t need him ripping open any more old wounds.
“He offered to walk me to my dorm room. I thought he was being nice… but when we got there he started kissing me and so I told him I just wanted to go to bed. But… he was being really rough and holding my wrists down and then he just…it just happened.”
“Oh god, Kate, I’m so sorry-“
The pity in his voice almost makes her angry all over again.
“Castle, please don’t go there. This happened a long time ago. I’ve already healed.”
“Did you ever report him?”
She should have anticipated the question but for some reason, it hadn’t crossed her mind. She’d decided she wasn’t going lie to him but she knows he isn’t going to like the answer to this one.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I guess I thought that it was kind of my own fault. I was drunk and I had been pretty reckless since my mom died. I was having a lot of risky sex and…I don’t know. I guess I just felt like I deserved it.”
She regrets saying it the minute it leaves her mouth. Castle doesn’t need to hear that, doesn’t need to be privy to the state of mind she used to harbor. This is why she doesn’t talk about her younger days very often.
“Beckett, that’s not-“
“I know that now. It took a lot of therapy but I get it now.”
Castle sighs heavily, his grip on her bicep tightening.
“So today… it being at NYU and stuff… it reminded you.”
“Yeah. It was weird because I hadn’t even thought about it in months but… I guess it just made me think about how wrong people’s ideas about rape are. People think that rapists are monsters-“
“Rapists are monsters, Kate.”
“But rape isn’t rare, Castle. Rapists aren’t rare. What happened to me and what happened to our victim happens every day and the guys who do it don’t even realize that it’s rape half the time.”
He’s silent then as the tension in the room begins to dissipate. He takes a deep breathe before he speaks again.
“He had to have realized it. You told him to stop, he held you down. There’s no way he didn’t realize he was doing something wrong.”
“Maybe. But I really don’t know. Some people think that if you’re not screaming and crying that you’re not really saying no.”
“Well, that’s bullshit.”
She turns around in his arms and cups his cheek in her hand. She can tell this is getting to him and she doesn’t want to make it any more difficult for either of them.
“Castle, I’m okay. I’m not broken. I just had a rough day.”
“It’s just…if it affected you that much today then maybe you should take some time off, sit this one out.”
“I’m alright. It’s actually been really nice to be able to talk to you about it. I was worried you would overreact but you’ve been pretty calm. I really appreciate that, Castle.”
He smiles and gives her a quick kiss on the crown of her head.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yeah. I think it’ll make me feel better to catch the guy. I mean…I know it’s only one but…symbolically, I guess, it feels important.”
“Okay. I understand.” He kisses her head again and then presses his forehead gently into hers. “All I ask is that you talk to me if you start feeling bad again, okay?”
“Promise.”
She lets her eyes slip closed then, just enjoying the presence of his body next to hers. They spend a few moments in silence, both relieved to finally have this out in the open.
“Do you need anything?” He’s whispering, probably unsure if she’s even still awake.
“Yeah, could you just get me a glass of water?”
“Of course.”
He starts to get up, to delicately disentangle his body from hers before dropping a kiss on her shoulder.
“Beckett?”
“Yeah?”
She can’t quite handle having eye contact with him right now so she doesn’t turn around.
“Nothing you tell me could ever change the way I see you. You will always been strong and brave and extraordinary in my eyes, okay? I want you to know that.”
She can feel the tears welling up again but she doesn’t care. She turns to face him, smiling.
“Thank you, Castle.”
He smiles back and starts to walk out of the room.
“Castle?”
“Yeah?”
“I mean that. For everything. I need you to know that.”
He nods, smiles softly and turns back around to walk toward the kitchen.
She hasn’t said it yet, hasn’t told him how much he really means to her, but sometimes the words ring through her head at high speed, begging to be let out.
I love you, Castle.
Soon, she tells herself.
Soon.