TL;DR
The timer has started. These are my thoughts.
Thought Number 1. Albert Einstein is credited, falsely, with defining insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've been continuing to live, lying to myself that it will get better, and expecting different results. The fact of the matter is mylife will never be the life that i want. And life just isn't fun.
The difference between me and most people is that I'm not okay with this. I'm not even content with it. I have so much to give, but the powers that be will never allow me to be all that i can and I've come to a point where i can no longer justify putting in energy or finding the motivation; it's fruitless.
i think 33 years is enough time to give to something before concluding that it's not for you. Yes?
Thought Number 2. I have told my friends (my long term, real life friends) multiple times to watch me on Twitch and, thus; support me. Not a single one has. Not. One. Ever.
Thought Number 3. I spend every night swiping left and right 500+ times on 7 different dating apps. Why? I refer you to the anonymous definition of "insanity." I will always be alone. On the very rare occasions that i have discovered someone who likes me, i cannot bring myself to like them back because I'm shallow.
Thought Number 4. Minerva will be fine without me. Saying otherwise is just one of the many lies I've been telling myself in order to survive one more day.
Thought Number 5. It's time to go to bed. I may or may not add to this as time counts down. I cannot say for certain how long the timer is set for. I hate that it's the holidays, but one does not have guilt after one has passed on.
Thought Number 6: i really miss living alone. i love my housemates, but i really miss having my own place and all to myself. Will i ever have a place to myself? Is that a probability now. And how much effort and enregy do i fucking have left? It is very little. i am tired.
Thought Number 7: i have absolutely no energy left.
Thought Number 8: No one seems to have time for me while i'm living. Therefore, i expect no time given to me after i am gone. Which is a good thing. Relives some of the guilt i'm feeling.
Thought Number 9: Why wasn't i invited to play Stardew Valley?
Thought Number 10: i have spent the last few days grinding away on dating sites. Even paid for some. The only girls who have messaged me want money, webcam viewers, or link clicks. Why is getting laid this difficult for me while others have no trouble at all. Not that I'm exactly crazy about having people over... to my room.
Thought Number 11: STILL trying to get laid. Absolutely no luck. i want to die tonight but I'm gong to wait.