...please know that
i can't stop crying
and asking myself what i have done. What have i seriously done; moving so far from my family. What they must think of me. i hardly talk to them. And for what? What has moving out here gotten me? i still want to die.
This all has me wondering about what i should leave behind if/when the time comes. i don't want to leave a note, but my family will feel so out of touch. They will want to know why, but i can never explain why. They have my LiveJournal. i can leave the password. They can read my life from age 16. Unedited. The good and the bad. And then i thought of how that might make them feel worse. i don't write in here much when i have something good to say; something happy. i would really like to try and do that. For them.The problem is, no matter how many times i promise to write in here every night; it doesn't happen. i am hoping that this new reasoning will change that.
So today was an Okay day :)
i am very nervous about my political science class. The professor asks a lot from his class; which i am all for. It just means i need to work twice as hard... which is difficult when you can't get out of bed in the morning. Today had had Photography and my two art history classes. My philosophy class was canceled. and i wish i had known that before i waited around school for an hour-and-a-half. That class has me thinking quite deeply more regularly. About god and how it must be a personification for whatever did start reality. If god was a being, that is still a reality; someone had to create god and so we are back to the same question. How did the universe start? god really isn't a valid answer.
ANYWAY tomorrow i am going to Social Security and i am going to try and finally be assertive and demand that they stop harassing me. i really hope i bring myself to do it.
i am really hoping i can straighten it out and that it doesn;t take me all day. i would like to take some more photos for class and i have an art history study group to meet with. i would should also study for multiple exams i have coming up.
i really want to take Corri to a photo lab and show her how it is done. i also should finish tagging old posts if i haven't already done so.
i really need inspiration. i have to be creating things. i can't sell myself as a graphic designer with nothing to show. i have little faith.
That reminds me, i applied to be a member of the high honors society as school, Phi Theta Kappa (i think). it will look good on my transcript.
im still not confident that i will not start crying again if i try and go back to sleep.
i love my family and i miss them.
and asking myself what i have done. What have i seriously done; moving so far from my family. What they must think of me. i hardly talk to them. And for what? What has moving out here gotten me? i still want to die.
This all has me wondering about what i should leave behind if/when the time comes. i don't want to leave a note, but my family will feel so out of touch. They will want to know why, but i can never explain why. They have my LiveJournal. i can leave the password. They can read my life from age 16. Unedited. The good and the bad. And then i thought of how that might make them feel worse. i don't write in here much when i have something good to say; something happy. i would really like to try and do that. For them.The problem is, no matter how many times i promise to write in here every night; it doesn't happen. i am hoping that this new reasoning will change that.
So today was an Okay day :)
i am very nervous about my political science class. The professor asks a lot from his class; which i am all for. It just means i need to work twice as hard... which is difficult when you can't get out of bed in the morning. Today had had Photography and my two art history classes. My philosophy class was canceled. and i wish i had known that before i waited around school for an hour-and-a-half. That class has me thinking quite deeply more regularly. About god and how it must be a personification for whatever did start reality. If god was a being, that is still a reality; someone had to create god and so we are back to the same question. How did the universe start? god really isn't a valid answer.
ANYWAY tomorrow i am going to Social Security and i am going to try and finally be assertive and demand that they stop harassing me. i really hope i bring myself to do it.
i am really hoping i can straighten it out and that it doesn;t take me all day. i would like to take some more photos for class and i have an art history study group to meet with. i would should also study for multiple exams i have coming up.
i really want to take Corri to a photo lab and show her how it is done. i also should finish tagging old posts if i haven't already done so.
i really need inspiration. i have to be creating things. i can't sell myself as a graphic designer with nothing to show. i have little faith.
That reminds me, i applied to be a member of the high honors society as school, Phi Theta Kappa (i think). it will look good on my transcript.
im still not confident that i will not start crying again if i try and go back to sleep.
i love my family and i miss them.