for the records
I've never really talked about my past experiences with other girls but I recently posted, on my facebook, a growing list I've kept of possible titles if I were to ever write a book about my experience with girls, romance, relationships, love, and the never ending pursuit of securing a healthy long term relationship with a female. Two of those titles are something along the lines of "You're An Addict And I'm Straight Edge. Let's Date!" And "You're A Slut. Be My Girlfriend". I sought you out because I was at a vulnerable time in my life, having just got out of the hospital and my best friend being busy preparing for A new chapter in her life. My brain was really telling me to end our date at star bucks, maybe keep your number, and not make an effort to see you again. But, you were beautiful on the outside and your eyes seemed to have been asking for me to stay. I thought you needed me just as much as I needed you and I stayed. I remained by your side and I made sure, through (bad) choices, to stay by your side. I really thought that if I stayed around and continued to be positive, then both our lives will become better. I think maybe I hung out with you two times in which you were sober but I trudged through it. I didn't judge. I didn't preach. I didn't make up any rules. I thought that, in time, you would clean up on your own and you may not see it, but you were giving me reason to believe this would happen. You were fucking random dudes on cl after sharing their drugs and alcohol
You had a whatever fuck it attitude. Your plan was to continue to fuck up your life, get kicked out of your house, and get hit by a bus. I watched you put away your cl exploits. And just a few weeks ago you were discussing continuing college and you went on a tour. I thought I was a reason for that and it gave me reason to continue. I could NOT deal with the realism of what would happen if I made a choice that meant not being near you! First off, it didn't seem you had many friends left to hang out with, no positive ones anyway. No one that wasn't an "enabler". The couple you did have were trying to clean up and taking the necessary step of distancing themself from you. In my head, all the effort I put in (effort I could have been putting into MY problems) would have been for nothing. You would go back to cl. And you definitely wouldn't get a caring and compassionate person like I had been. No. You would find a guy or guys that were also addicts. You would just enable each other and my only hope would be that when you got kicked out, he provided you a place to stay. Otherwise, you'd be fucking strangers in exchange for A couch to sleep on and even money if you needed it. These aren't images I want in my head. These aren't things I want on my conscience! Please see why I made the choices I made. Why I did the things I did. Why I acted the way I acted. As far as giving you an impression that I only liked you as a friend, I will take credit for some of that. My past experiences causes me to come across as distant and aloof. But please also know my priorities: fixing my life while staying near you in Roseville and continuing to be a good influence in your life were on the top of my list. Closely followed by keeping you from being kicked out of the house without preaching and making you not want to hang out with me. The last things on my list were developing a relationship or thinking beyond friendship. That was something I planned on doing later when I had a place and a job again. Please know that I've tried to start official relationships in the past with addicts. Never ever ever ever succeeded. They were bad ideas and I wasn't prepared to do that again. I was going to sit comfortably in my bed, on a day off, and evaluate the situation. I was going to ask myself if I felt you are worth my time, energy, patience, and availability to make a step that went beyond friendship. This meant that you were continuing to better your life on your own and overcome your addictions. Quite frankly, I don't know why you would think we would work out as anything more than friends at this time. I felt that if you DID like me as more than a friend, which I didn't think you did, then you would have a very similar point of view. But by the way you were easily open to me taking off and the lack of any real noticeable effort of you wanting to hang out with me sober coupled with a preference of being risky by having me over at night so we can fuck over playing it safe and just cuddling on the lawn which I equally enjoyed lead me to believe you just wanted a FWB. Which was fine. It's what I assumed when we first started having sex and it could continue like that for all I cared until you got better, if you got better at all. I was prepared to do whatever it took. I was prepared to be whatever you needed. And even after you told me goodbye and to take care, it wasn't just the fact that I no longer had hugs, kisses, affection, someone to make me laugh and to text with, and to generally keep me company during a time I had no one else around and during a time I really needed these things (you were making all this bearable). It wasn't even the fact of all the decisions, time, effort, and energy I put into, what I thought, was help for you. Nope. It was my worry. Because now on top of worrying about MY life, I was going to be worrying about YOUR life and whether our lives would cross again but on the streets. Me walking to a destination and you, under the influence, wandering aimlessly with no particular place to go. It saddens me that you didn't notice the stuff I did and put up with for, obviously, you and draw the obvious conclusion that there was something more than just friendlyness on my mind. I really loved and cared about you a lot and in the end, you're just another chapter of my book. Her response: U should write a book you're a good writer
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