...not due to drugs. i am just tired
I feel so... agh.
For some strange reason i really wanted Corri and i to get back together. I really did. However, it must be for the best. I have considered Corri to be a lot of things... but a girl who would stay in such a relationship as she is now was not one of them. Plus the fact alone that she is staying with him even though she cheated on him twice with me and tried to get him to break up with her says a lot. It tells me that maybe things haven’t changed as much as i had hoped. Everything is considerably the same old same old, however, the 4 month break was enough to get my head out of my ass. I am able to get over it easily and i am content with maintaining a strictly platonic relationship. I am done with the whole trying to be with her aspect. i tried, multiple times. It is done. Plus she is still being deceitful. I get told one thing but then i witness another.
Maybe things will work out with Roxanna, or, maybe even Sarah. I hope so... i am sick of being alone and have given up on being with people that i can love. I think love is such a huge crock of shit.
MAN I WISH I COULD SLEEP. All this is too much.
I fear i am getting closer to being one of those people who find jesus. That is how bad things are right now. Well, bad isn’t the word. Eschewed or muddled is a better choice of words. It is just a hump i believe.
I think as long as i continue to keep my cool and take things very slowly and with some sort of precaution, i should be fine. Leaving Corri’s house early today was a good example. I knew the longer into the night i stayed there, the more of a chance something may happen.
I kind of wish this weird wall between Roxanna and i would come down. It is kind of putting a strain on things and making me rethink my relationship with her. I also cannot, as shallow as this sounds, continue seeing someone without sex being involved. ESPECIALLY if i am giving and not receiving and even more especially since we have had a sexual relationship in the past.
Sarah has never had sex and so it is a little different. I also have no intentions on forcing her or trying to influence her into having sex with me. It is a really nice change of pace as well. It is a nice and innocent feeling. When i hang out with her, i feel as though i am on a date back in the 50’s. Where second base is holding hands. The fact that we seem to be complete opposites is funny. Im not sure anyone would figure.
And then again, deep down, i don’t want either to work out. No one. I think i may even call it off with both of them. I am just kind of over having girls in my life... it is getting tiring and has proved useless. I am 22 and have never dated past 3 months (with one exception to someone i dated for 5 months). I have never had, what i felt, a serious, loving, and long term relationship. It is comforting that Sarah is the same way... well... she has only ever had one boyfriend and never had sex... so i guess her situation isnt exactly the same.
Maybe me mind isn’t wired for keeping someone. I think way too much and way too deeply. I read into things very obsessively. I don’t make sense when it comes to my feelings. I also think i am somewhat controlling and maybe even manipulative. Maybe i am a sociopath. Maybe it will be about 20 years before i start my first killing spree.
I think they should do away with those chocolate skittles. They are pretty gross. The mint M&Ms were wicked good. I wish they were back and more accessible.
i have to spend the weekend at the daycare. i have a border. i am going to try and use this time to clear my head. Get back in the game. Get back on track.
I hope the new “Punisher” movie will be good as well as the new Terminator series.
If anyone gets an IM from ProbedTrout, they should ignore it. It is a bot. It steals someone else screen name and IMs you with a random message and then you are left with some stranger and he is confused because he thinks you IMed them first, but really, a bot initiated the conversation.... if that makes any sense. It may very well be someone trying to bring people together or it may just be some douche bag.
I think it would be neat to date a hot blind chick if they exist.
I am glad my name isn’t Skeet, or Zeek, or Scoot, or Poki. Man, their are some silly names out there and i can’t help but wonder what the parents were thinking. If i had a kid i wouldn’t even name it a pronounceable word. It would just be a weird sound or something. A gurgle. I want it to know how much of a mistake it was. I want him to think “wow, my parents don’t care enough to name me a proper name”. Nah. I am kidding about the last part. If i ended up with a kid i would do everything i could to get as much manual labor out of it. I dont need it thinking i dont care or it may run away or something. I will need it to stack wood in the winter, rake leaves in the fall, dig trenches in the summer, and tend the fields in spring. Maybe i should just name it Jesus.
I want to take up necrophilia.
I think i get too frustrated with myself. Maybe i am half retarded.
I am going to go try and sleep again... i am as stoned as a... something that is really stoned.
For some strange reason i really wanted Corri and i to get back together. I really did. However, it must be for the best. I have considered Corri to be a lot of things... but a girl who would stay in such a relationship as she is now was not one of them. Plus the fact alone that she is staying with him even though she cheated on him twice with me and tried to get him to break up with her says a lot. It tells me that maybe things haven’t changed as much as i had hoped. Everything is considerably the same old same old, however, the 4 month break was enough to get my head out of my ass. I am able to get over it easily and i am content with maintaining a strictly platonic relationship. I am done with the whole trying to be with her aspect. i tried, multiple times. It is done. Plus she is still being deceitful. I get told one thing but then i witness another.
Maybe things will work out with Roxanna, or, maybe even Sarah. I hope so... i am sick of being alone and have given up on being with people that i can love. I think love is such a huge crock of shit.
MAN I WISH I COULD SLEEP. All this is too much.
I fear i am getting closer to being one of those people who find jesus. That is how bad things are right now. Well, bad isn’t the word. Eschewed or muddled is a better choice of words. It is just a hump i believe.
I think as long as i continue to keep my cool and take things very slowly and with some sort of precaution, i should be fine. Leaving Corri’s house early today was a good example. I knew the longer into the night i stayed there, the more of a chance something may happen.
I kind of wish this weird wall between Roxanna and i would come down. It is kind of putting a strain on things and making me rethink my relationship with her. I also cannot, as shallow as this sounds, continue seeing someone without sex being involved. ESPECIALLY if i am giving and not receiving and even more especially since we have had a sexual relationship in the past.
Sarah has never had sex and so it is a little different. I also have no intentions on forcing her or trying to influence her into having sex with me. It is a really nice change of pace as well. It is a nice and innocent feeling. When i hang out with her, i feel as though i am on a date back in the 50’s. Where second base is holding hands. The fact that we seem to be complete opposites is funny. Im not sure anyone would figure.
And then again, deep down, i don’t want either to work out. No one. I think i may even call it off with both of them. I am just kind of over having girls in my life... it is getting tiring and has proved useless. I am 22 and have never dated past 3 months (with one exception to someone i dated for 5 months). I have never had, what i felt, a serious, loving, and long term relationship. It is comforting that Sarah is the same way... well... she has only ever had one boyfriend and never had sex... so i guess her situation isnt exactly the same.
Maybe me mind isn’t wired for keeping someone. I think way too much and way too deeply. I read into things very obsessively. I don’t make sense when it comes to my feelings. I also think i am somewhat controlling and maybe even manipulative. Maybe i am a sociopath. Maybe it will be about 20 years before i start my first killing spree.
I think they should do away with those chocolate skittles. They are pretty gross. The mint M&Ms were wicked good. I wish they were back and more accessible.
i have to spend the weekend at the daycare. i have a border. i am going to try and use this time to clear my head. Get back in the game. Get back on track.
I hope the new “Punisher” movie will be good as well as the new Terminator series.
If anyone gets an IM from ProbedTrout, they should ignore it. It is a bot. It steals someone else screen name and IMs you with a random message and then you are left with some stranger and he is confused because he thinks you IMed them first, but really, a bot initiated the conversation.... if that makes any sense. It may very well be someone trying to bring people together or it may just be some douche bag.
I think it would be neat to date a hot blind chick if they exist.
I am glad my name isn’t Skeet, or Zeek, or Scoot, or Poki. Man, their are some silly names out there and i can’t help but wonder what the parents were thinking. If i had a kid i wouldn’t even name it a pronounceable word. It would just be a weird sound or something. A gurgle. I want it to know how much of a mistake it was. I want him to think “wow, my parents don’t care enough to name me a proper name”. Nah. I am kidding about the last part. If i ended up with a kid i would do everything i could to get as much manual labor out of it. I dont need it thinking i dont care or it may run away or something. I will need it to stack wood in the winter, rake leaves in the fall, dig trenches in the summer, and tend the fields in spring. Maybe i should just name it Jesus.
I want to take up necrophilia.
I think i get too frustrated with myself. Maybe i am half retarded.
I am going to go try and sleep again... i am as stoned as a... something that is really stoned.