(no subject)
university is not at all
what i hoped it would be.
i have not been not posting here
because my life has improved:
it's not because i have been too busy
(friends; homework; living; life).
and it's not because i no longer feel me
(sadjeffrey) and wish to emphasize
a change in perspective; if there is a happyjeffrey
he is not me.
it's because
what
it's because
why bother
it's because
who cares
it's because
i have nothing of anything of ever to say
it's not interesting, is it
to hear how i went to my first class
and sat in the back and didn't say anything
to anybody
choking back tears midway because why i don't know why
and didn't go to my second or third classes because
who cares and why bother and i would rather go home and sleep.
it's not interesting, is it, to hear about the dreams that i have now
about the people in my classes and residence and discussions and thinking that i know them
and waking up smiling because that life in my dreams sometimes stays to reality
but realising that it isn't that that it was all a lie ("no no no! come back!" hands rolling forward in air reaching for sinking dream happy thought burying itself under layers of thick slimey water out of reach and farther still falling)
this isn't
the sort of thing that you want to hear, is it?
this isn't really compelling reading
this isn't something that you want to visit on your friends page
every
single
day,
is it?
i mean
how long has it been
that you've been telling me
"jeffrey life is bad for you now but in university everything will be different and better"
"jeffrey your life is going to change it's going to be good i know it i just know it"
"jeffrey jeffrey you can't mess this up this is the real deal forget about high school all of that is over now people are different now more grown up, mature. they will be your friends, now."
yeah, but
yeah, but you forgot the part
you forgot the part where people are still people
and jeffrey is still jeffrey
and pleasant interactions between the two
are something that very seldom if ever (ever ever ever) occur.
while i have moved
away from my family
away from my home,
the two constants in my life
the reasons for my living how i have lived (and will live)
stayed (and will stay)
exactly the same:
1) people do not like sadjeffrey
2) sadjeffrey is not liked by the people
what i hoped it would be.
i have not been not posting here
because my life has improved:
it's not because i have been too busy
(friends; homework; living; life).
and it's not because i no longer feel me
(sadjeffrey) and wish to emphasize
a change in perspective; if there is a happyjeffrey
he is not me.
it's because
what
it's because
why bother
it's because
who cares
it's because
i have nothing of anything of ever to say
it's not interesting, is it
to hear how i went to my first class
and sat in the back and didn't say anything
to anybody
choking back tears midway because why i don't know why
and didn't go to my second or third classes because
who cares and why bother and i would rather go home and sleep.
it's not interesting, is it, to hear about the dreams that i have now
about the people in my classes and residence and discussions and thinking that i know them
and waking up smiling because that life in my dreams sometimes stays to reality
but realising that it isn't that that it was all a lie ("no no no! come back!" hands rolling forward in air reaching for sinking dream happy thought burying itself under layers of thick slimey water out of reach and farther still falling)
this isn't
the sort of thing that you want to hear, is it?
this isn't really compelling reading
this isn't something that you want to visit on your friends page
every
single
day,
is it?
i mean
how long has it been
that you've been telling me
"jeffrey life is bad for you now but in university everything will be different and better"
"jeffrey your life is going to change it's going to be good i know it i just know it"
"jeffrey jeffrey you can't mess this up this is the real deal forget about high school all of that is over now people are different now more grown up, mature. they will be your friends, now."
yeah, but
yeah, but you forgot the part
you forgot the part where people are still people
and jeffrey is still jeffrey
and pleasant interactions between the two
are something that very seldom if ever (ever ever ever) occur.
while i have moved
away from my family
away from my home,
the two constants in my life
the reasons for my living how i have lived (and will live)
stayed (and will stay)
exactly the same:
1) people do not like sadjeffrey
2) sadjeffrey is not liked by the people