Life Update:
A lot happened today.
I looked in the mirror this evening and found I had three grey hairs. Technically two now, I pulled one out to examine it further, and it was, indeed, colorless. I found that a bit disturbing.
I was going to watch Borat with some cool people, but those people turned out to not be terrific planners, so we couldn't get tickets (sold out) and then sat around for a half hour deciding what to do. Daniel and I said fuck it and went to Woodstocks, meeting David Dalieden and then Raffi, Jake, and some other guy who was exciting.
After I split from those folks, I read Zits in Borders for god knows how long before getting chocolate chocolate chocolate ice cream (Mississippi Mud, I do believe) in a chocolate dunked party cone with chocolate sprinkles (It was a hard day, ok!) which was probably the most depressing thing ever, because the bottom half was stale and the top half was soggy from the chocolate.
That lovely combination made me thoroughly melancholy, which is always fun.
Realization of the day:
I have a fucked up sense of self. I was asked today to choose what would make me happiest. I sat for a moment, pondering, before I realized that the thing that gives me the most pleasure and satisfaction is making other people happy. That means making decisions based on what other people want, and what would cause the least amount of pain. Now that wouldn't be a bad thing except for the fact that it still leaves me completely unsure of what I actually want, and who I am.
See, I always considered myself someone who doesn't need other people in order to define myself. I could make my own way, I could do things that went against the grain, I could buck the system and I could be happy by and for myself. I realized only recently how much of myself is only defined because of interactions and percieved opinions of those around me.
To be honest, I'm really not ok with that. I don't want to feel I need to rely on other people in order to have an existance. I want to know who I am and what I want out of life without feeling the need to come to my conclusions based on the wants of others.
I feel...so goddamned isolated right now. It's like I've put so much effort into figuring out other people that I've lost myself, thus negating any connection. I feel like the disconnect is not really between me and those around me but between me and myself. I came to the conclusion yesterday that my emotional side and my intellectual side operate on completely separate planes of existance, so reconciling the two is proving difficult, especially since each is already warring against itself.
I hate the constant feeling of doubt. Because my brain and my heart don't talk to each other, a declaration by one completely bypasses the other, and I am left sitting in between the two trying to figure myself out.
It's not working, and I'm tired of looking for solutions.
I'm not proud of myself right now.