(no subject)
I'm the greatest coward I know.
No skill, no will, nothing fills me. Except one simple instinct that leaves me crumpled in a heap of fear and anxiety.
I love Jason. I love my relationship with him. I don't think I'd trade it for anything right now.
But I can't shake my thoughts. Right from wrong. Yes, I know what that is. My thoughts are wrong. My urges are wrong. My beliefs are wrong. I have tried so hard to force myself to think in an acceptable fashion, but I can't...and now I know that if I don't make myself do it, my life, which has never been a roller-coaster I'd take on again, will once again, spiral downward. I don't want help. But I need it. But I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. With that woman. And her fingernails....on the clipboard. And the suggestions. And her bright lipstick that always stuck to her teeth. I can't do it.
No skill, no will, nothing fills me. Except one simple instinct that leaves me crumpled in a heap of fear and anxiety.
I love Jason. I love my relationship with him. I don't think I'd trade it for anything right now.
But I can't shake my thoughts. Right from wrong. Yes, I know what that is. My thoughts are wrong. My urges are wrong. My beliefs are wrong. I have tried so hard to force myself to think in an acceptable fashion, but I can't...and now I know that if I don't make myself do it, my life, which has never been a roller-coaster I'd take on again, will once again, spiral downward. I don't want help. But I need it. But I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. With that woman. And her fingernails....on the clipboard. And the suggestions. And her bright lipstick that always stuck to her teeth. I can't do it.