Kate and QB Blog The VMAs!
So, I just got off a 10-hour shift at work a few hours ago, and I got home, and I said to myself, "Self, you could go to bed, OR you could make QB stay up late with you and watch the goddamn VMAs." Obviously, masochism trumps a good night's sleep, so QB and I sat our asses down and watched the whole enchilada. On top of everything else? We were SOBER! It seems I might be allergic to alcohol. The things I do for art!
Brittney and Jonah Hill open with a fairly unfunny skit where he tries to make out with her and she doesn’t go for it. She comes off as far more charming and funny than he does. She doesn’t actually perform, thank GOD.
Rihanna comes out to perform Disturbia. QB has loved her for years, and likes to remind me every chance he gets that he got in on the ground floor, and recognizes talent. She is moderately less awkward than she used to be. I feel bored even though she is pantsless and zombies are dancing everywhere. Did Wade Robson choreograph this, or is it just a blatant rip-off?
The VMAs are not so much in a theater this year? They are kind of like, in a warehouse with folding chairs and some bad art deco knockoff glass panels that look like they got heisted from my friend’s grandma’s condo. Instead of a hosue band, they appear to have Travis Barker just drumming along to pre-recorded tracks? Way to be high-budget, MTV!
(Oh. Travis Barker apparently has a thing on YouTube where he has videos of himself drumming along to recorded tracks or somesuch, or so QB informs me. We’ll take a brief hiatus while I make fun of QB for knowing that.)
I almost didn’t watch the show this year, because the promos annoyed me so much. Then I remembered I am lame, and I ALWAYS watch, no matter how much I swear I won’t. Russell Brand is not so much here to host the show as he is here to hype it. He makes ringmasters look subdued.
Some random hos in the audience are excited about Russell Brand. Or maybe they are famous. I am old and I cannot tell. They might be Danity Kane, or they might be unfamous hos. I think Russell Brown might also be pantsless; his trousers are so tight they seem more like leggings or paint. He says he’s famous in the UK, but so is Katie Price, so, there’s that. He is AWFULLY excited to be there. No one has ever been as excited about Kanye West as he is right now. QB wonders if Russell Brand is the UK Lewis Black. He yells a lot. We are concerned about his blood pressure. And about how Amy Winehouse will react when she sobers up and realizes he stole her beehive. He does elicit one laugh from me when he says that unprotected sex causes you to become Republican.
The worst seat in the house is behind T-Payne and his giant stovepipe hat.
Everyone keeps talking about the Jonas Brothers, ALL THE TIME. Remember the New Kids On The Block? This is like that for me, where I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND. But with the New Kids, I was like, 9 when they were famous, so I was tormented by my peers for not liking them. Now I have the excuse that I am elderly, so it’s okay if I don’t get it.
Miley Cyrus is in the audience, and I also don’t get here. She can’t sing, she can’t act, and she has the voice of a 47-year old chainsmoking truck stop waitress. QB says that is what is awesome about her. I beg to differ. I also think everyone should get off of my lawn now.
Aww, someone thinks Jamie Foxx is still relevant! It’s nice to see that fame hasn’t gone to his head. He does out Rihanna and Chris Brown as being a couple, even though they deny it with all their adorable public smooching (which reminds me - Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are back together! I am way happier than I should be, considering I have never met them.)
The exceedingly modest Mr. Foxx presents best female video to Brittney Spears after a very awkward pause. QB is outraged on behalf of Katy Perry even though he hates that effing song, until I point out that the VMAs are not about quality (obviously, considering the nominees) but about REDEMPTION.
Someone flubs passing a microphone to Demi Moore. QB wonders why she is dressed like Minnie Mouse - maybe she thinks she’s at the Nickelodeon awards. And that Minnie Mouse is a Nickelodeon character? But Demi probably understands the Jonas Brothers more than I do, which means I am older than she is.
Best Male video goes to Chris Brown. Flo Rida was robbed! I am not just saying that because I live in Florida. Chris Brown thinks Weezy should have won. I assume that means L’il Wayne. QB thinks it means the lady from The Jeffersons.
Russell Brand says something gross about Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers and she looks mildly horrified.
The aforementioned Jonases come to us live from what looks like the set of Sesame Street. Oscar the Grouch is just off-camera, even more pissed than usual, because he has to listen to this crap. They look earnestly into the camera, and QB and I feel mildly grossed out. That feeling steps up into full-on violated when we observe the distinct outline of junk in the too-tight pants of one of said Jonases.
The set opens up and screaming tweenyboppers flood the lot as the tempo picks up. The Jonas Brothers think they are a rock band. It is not cute. I harbor a hope that screaming twelve-year olds will trample each other to death and the show will end early, but no such luck. The one with the visible junk waves and shows off his armpit stains to close the song.
Katy Perry performs in one of Esther Williams old bathing suits. I think more shoddy production is happening, because there is no sound, but QB informs me he muted it the moment he saw her, because he has to work in the morning, and won’t be able to sleep if that godawful song gets lodged in his head.
Michael Phelps awkwardly introduces L’il Wayne. I may skip Phelps’ SNL hosting gig next weekend, if this is any indication of cue-card reading ability. He makes L’il Wayne look comprehensible. I think L’il Wayne says he has a party in his pants, but it’s hard to understand. He swears (it’s bleeped) and one of the cellists in the orchestra looks SCANDALIZED. I am afraid if L’il Wayne’s pants get any lower his party is going to flop all over the stage. And by his party, I mean his penis. Kobe Bryant (maybe?) is raising the roof in the audience, while the lead singer of the Ting Tings is quietly horrified. T-Payne is wearing Janet Jackson’s outfit from the Rhthym Nation video. He and L’il Wayne do a pas de deux. Busta applauds politely, juggling his champagne flute. He is wearing a watch that costs more than my house.
Lindsey Lohan looks cute, even though she is braless, and girlfriend could maybe use a little support. I find her so much more endearing now that she is sober and a lesbian. She and Ciara give an award to some people named Fanny Pack before awarding Best Dance Video to the Pussycat Dolls. Aww, Demi Moore ISN’T the oldest one there! QB thinks this was fixed - he says Chris Brown can outdance all those bitches. He weeps quietly into his embroidered Chris Brown pillow.
Danity Kane blatantly product-places some cellphones. Remember when Aubrey O’Day used to be cute and sassy, before she (allegedly) hooked up with Diddy and then became a drag queen? Um, I don’t remember that either. I TOTALLY didn’t watch all those seasons of Making the Band. Nope, not me!
QB and I decide that Russell Brand is useless, and we fast forward through everything he says. Hopefully we didn’t miss anything good! I sincerely doubt we did.
I refuse to discuss the Twilight cast, even though Kristen Stewart is adorable, and should call me sometime. I manage a bookstore, and will never sell the umpteen zillion copies of Breaking Dawn which teeter precariously all along my center aisle. The less said about all that, the better.
My girlcrush on the leadsinger of Paramore takes a hit in the face of her heinous yellow pants. She sort of canters around the stage. QB slightly understands my crush now, as he is overwhelmingly impressed by her ability to headbang and sing at the same time.
RB dangles his participle, and so we are unsure whether Shia TheBeef and Slash are in a band or movie together called Eagle Eye, or only one of them is, or something.
Best Rock Video: Slash actually seems excited that Linkin Park wins. Either he doesn’t think anyone else nominated is a real rock band, or he is afraid of the guys from Slipknot.
Poor Pink. They won’t even let her in the studio. She has to perform in the back lot. Probably the audience took a vote, and decided her song wasn’t good enough to be in the building. Here is my impression of the song: Na na na na na na na na na na na. Pink continues the trend started by Rihanna and continued by Russell Brand and L’il Wayne and has ceased to wear pants. It is the pantsless VMAs! It is not a good look for most people, and I hope that the trend does not continue.
Pete Wentz’s cummerbund is almost as huge as Ashlee Simpson’s stomach. She is kind of endearing, talking about texting her votes on behalf of the baby. Pete Wentz makes an extremely esoteric joke about MJ and Lisa Marie from the ’94 VMAs which makes me kind of like him. QB does not understand my glee.
Slipknot and McLovin’ present together? Am I high? QB says Slipknot are posers, because one of them had a baseball bat and didn’t break shit. I didn’t see a baseball bat, but I may have lapsed into a coma.
Best Hip-Hop Video: L’il Wayne, “Lollipop”. If you don’t really know the song, it’s VERY SUBTLE parallel of food and doin’ it. L’il Wayne forgets to thank Robitussin for inspiring him.
Jordin Sparks is taking a running “joke” about promise rings too seriously. She calls everyone sluts. Not really. But kind of.
TI sings a song, which is not really so much a song as it is a ringtone waiting to happen. Rihanna gets to perform again. It’s a little pointless, but we love her, so it’s ok.
The High School Musical kids introduce Christina Aguilera. Do you think they’re sad that they all look ancient and leathery compared to Miley and those ubiquitous fucking Jonas fellas? QB is overwhelemed with the awesomeness of the Swedish electropo remix of Genie In A Bottle. He says it’s positively Goldfrappian. He forgets to notice how awesome Christina’s boobs look. Luckily, I am here to note these things. Also, I am apparently a lesbian tonight, as I am only ogling ladies. But, I mean, who else am I going to ogle? It’s pretty much just Russell Brand or those Jonas kids? Somehow Christina is on the set of Deal or No Deal? She is lip-synching, which makes me sad.
Russell Brand responds to Jordin Sparks by kind of apologizing, and saying he doesn’t want to piss on teenagers, and also something about rhubarb.
I LOVE LAUREN CONRAD AND I DON’T EVEN CARE WHO KNOWS IT! When Russell Brand introduces her, he pronounces “The Hills” as “The Eels”. Maybe he just wants to remind us how cold and slimy Spencer is.
QB and I have narrowed down why the sets and flow of the show were extra shoddy this year; either Russell Brand and Best New Artists Tokio Hotel spent the whole production budget on hairspray, or MTV just wanted to remind us how shallow and ineffectual they have become. Hence, the fake-y sets and stage-y fakeouts.
I know LL Cool J is about 97 years old, but he is still smoking hot. QB can get behind Ladies Loving Cool J. I would just like to get behind LL Cool J. I’m not sure how that would work. But apparently I am straight again!
Best Pop Video: B. Ritt! The redemption is complete!
Our recording ends, even though apparently the show goes on or something? There are title cards saying that Kanye will close the show in 13 minutes, but my recording has definitely ended. Oh, live awards shows running long, you scoundrels! Whatever. I cannot be bothered to hunt down the rest. I trust you guys to comment if I missed something totes awesome.
Oh, yeah. Spencer and Heidi were there at one point. But the less said about that the better.
I know we say this every year, but seriously. Worst VMAs ever.
Brittney and Jonah Hill open with a fairly unfunny skit where he tries to make out with her and she doesn’t go for it. She comes off as far more charming and funny than he does. She doesn’t actually perform, thank GOD.
Rihanna comes out to perform Disturbia. QB has loved her for years, and likes to remind me every chance he gets that he got in on the ground floor, and recognizes talent. She is moderately less awkward than she used to be. I feel bored even though she is pantsless and zombies are dancing everywhere. Did Wade Robson choreograph this, or is it just a blatant rip-off?
The VMAs are not so much in a theater this year? They are kind of like, in a warehouse with folding chairs and some bad art deco knockoff glass panels that look like they got heisted from my friend’s grandma’s condo. Instead of a hosue band, they appear to have Travis Barker just drumming along to pre-recorded tracks? Way to be high-budget, MTV!
(Oh. Travis Barker apparently has a thing on YouTube where he has videos of himself drumming along to recorded tracks or somesuch, or so QB informs me. We’ll take a brief hiatus while I make fun of QB for knowing that.)
I almost didn’t watch the show this year, because the promos annoyed me so much. Then I remembered I am lame, and I ALWAYS watch, no matter how much I swear I won’t. Russell Brand is not so much here to host the show as he is here to hype it. He makes ringmasters look subdued.
Some random hos in the audience are excited about Russell Brand. Or maybe they are famous. I am old and I cannot tell. They might be Danity Kane, or they might be unfamous hos. I think Russell Brown might also be pantsless; his trousers are so tight they seem more like leggings or paint. He says he’s famous in the UK, but so is Katie Price, so, there’s that. He is AWFULLY excited to be there. No one has ever been as excited about Kanye West as he is right now. QB wonders if Russell Brand is the UK Lewis Black. He yells a lot. We are concerned about his blood pressure. And about how Amy Winehouse will react when she sobers up and realizes he stole her beehive. He does elicit one laugh from me when he says that unprotected sex causes you to become Republican.
The worst seat in the house is behind T-Payne and his giant stovepipe hat.
Everyone keeps talking about the Jonas Brothers, ALL THE TIME. Remember the New Kids On The Block? This is like that for me, where I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND. But with the New Kids, I was like, 9 when they were famous, so I was tormented by my peers for not liking them. Now I have the excuse that I am elderly, so it’s okay if I don’t get it.
Miley Cyrus is in the audience, and I also don’t get here. She can’t sing, she can’t act, and she has the voice of a 47-year old chainsmoking truck stop waitress. QB says that is what is awesome about her. I beg to differ. I also think everyone should get off of my lawn now.
Aww, someone thinks Jamie Foxx is still relevant! It’s nice to see that fame hasn’t gone to his head. He does out Rihanna and Chris Brown as being a couple, even though they deny it with all their adorable public smooching (which reminds me - Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are back together! I am way happier than I should be, considering I have never met them.)
The exceedingly modest Mr. Foxx presents best female video to Brittney Spears after a very awkward pause. QB is outraged on behalf of Katy Perry even though he hates that effing song, until I point out that the VMAs are not about quality (obviously, considering the nominees) but about REDEMPTION.
Someone flubs passing a microphone to Demi Moore. QB wonders why she is dressed like Minnie Mouse - maybe she thinks she’s at the Nickelodeon awards. And that Minnie Mouse is a Nickelodeon character? But Demi probably understands the Jonas Brothers more than I do, which means I am older than she is.
Best Male video goes to Chris Brown. Flo Rida was robbed! I am not just saying that because I live in Florida. Chris Brown thinks Weezy should have won. I assume that means L’il Wayne. QB thinks it means the lady from The Jeffersons.
Russell Brand says something gross about Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers and she looks mildly horrified.
The aforementioned Jonases come to us live from what looks like the set of Sesame Street. Oscar the Grouch is just off-camera, even more pissed than usual, because he has to listen to this crap. They look earnestly into the camera, and QB and I feel mildly grossed out. That feeling steps up into full-on violated when we observe the distinct outline of junk in the too-tight pants of one of said Jonases.
The set opens up and screaming tweenyboppers flood the lot as the tempo picks up. The Jonas Brothers think they are a rock band. It is not cute. I harbor a hope that screaming twelve-year olds will trample each other to death and the show will end early, but no such luck. The one with the visible junk waves and shows off his armpit stains to close the song.
Katy Perry performs in one of Esther Williams old bathing suits. I think more shoddy production is happening, because there is no sound, but QB informs me he muted it the moment he saw her, because he has to work in the morning, and won’t be able to sleep if that godawful song gets lodged in his head.
Michael Phelps awkwardly introduces L’il Wayne. I may skip Phelps’ SNL hosting gig next weekend, if this is any indication of cue-card reading ability. He makes L’il Wayne look comprehensible. I think L’il Wayne says he has a party in his pants, but it’s hard to understand. He swears (it’s bleeped) and one of the cellists in the orchestra looks SCANDALIZED. I am afraid if L’il Wayne’s pants get any lower his party is going to flop all over the stage. And by his party, I mean his penis. Kobe Bryant (maybe?) is raising the roof in the audience, while the lead singer of the Ting Tings is quietly horrified. T-Payne is wearing Janet Jackson’s outfit from the Rhthym Nation video. He and L’il Wayne do a pas de deux. Busta applauds politely, juggling his champagne flute. He is wearing a watch that costs more than my house.
Lindsey Lohan looks cute, even though she is braless, and girlfriend could maybe use a little support. I find her so much more endearing now that she is sober and a lesbian. She and Ciara give an award to some people named Fanny Pack before awarding Best Dance Video to the Pussycat Dolls. Aww, Demi Moore ISN’T the oldest one there! QB thinks this was fixed - he says Chris Brown can outdance all those bitches. He weeps quietly into his embroidered Chris Brown pillow.
Danity Kane blatantly product-places some cellphones. Remember when Aubrey O’Day used to be cute and sassy, before she (allegedly) hooked up with Diddy and then became a drag queen? Um, I don’t remember that either. I TOTALLY didn’t watch all those seasons of Making the Band. Nope, not me!
QB and I decide that Russell Brand is useless, and we fast forward through everything he says. Hopefully we didn’t miss anything good! I sincerely doubt we did.
I refuse to discuss the Twilight cast, even though Kristen Stewart is adorable, and should call me sometime. I manage a bookstore, and will never sell the umpteen zillion copies of Breaking Dawn which teeter precariously all along my center aisle. The less said about all that, the better.
My girlcrush on the leadsinger of Paramore takes a hit in the face of her heinous yellow pants. She sort of canters around the stage. QB slightly understands my crush now, as he is overwhelmingly impressed by her ability to headbang and sing at the same time.
RB dangles his participle, and so we are unsure whether Shia TheBeef and Slash are in a band or movie together called Eagle Eye, or only one of them is, or something.
Best Rock Video: Slash actually seems excited that Linkin Park wins. Either he doesn’t think anyone else nominated is a real rock band, or he is afraid of the guys from Slipknot.
Poor Pink. They won’t even let her in the studio. She has to perform in the back lot. Probably the audience took a vote, and decided her song wasn’t good enough to be in the building. Here is my impression of the song: Na na na na na na na na na na na. Pink continues the trend started by Rihanna and continued by Russell Brand and L’il Wayne and has ceased to wear pants. It is the pantsless VMAs! It is not a good look for most people, and I hope that the trend does not continue.
Pete Wentz’s cummerbund is almost as huge as Ashlee Simpson’s stomach. She is kind of endearing, talking about texting her votes on behalf of the baby. Pete Wentz makes an extremely esoteric joke about MJ and Lisa Marie from the ’94 VMAs which makes me kind of like him. QB does not understand my glee.
Slipknot and McLovin’ present together? Am I high? QB says Slipknot are posers, because one of them had a baseball bat and didn’t break shit. I didn’t see a baseball bat, but I may have lapsed into a coma.
Best Hip-Hop Video: L’il Wayne, “Lollipop”. If you don’t really know the song, it’s VERY SUBTLE parallel of food and doin’ it. L’il Wayne forgets to thank Robitussin for inspiring him.
Jordin Sparks is taking a running “joke” about promise rings too seriously. She calls everyone sluts. Not really. But kind of.
TI sings a song, which is not really so much a song as it is a ringtone waiting to happen. Rihanna gets to perform again. It’s a little pointless, but we love her, so it’s ok.
The High School Musical kids introduce Christina Aguilera. Do you think they’re sad that they all look ancient and leathery compared to Miley and those ubiquitous fucking Jonas fellas? QB is overwhelemed with the awesomeness of the Swedish electropo remix of Genie In A Bottle. He says it’s positively Goldfrappian. He forgets to notice how awesome Christina’s boobs look. Luckily, I am here to note these things. Also, I am apparently a lesbian tonight, as I am only ogling ladies. But, I mean, who else am I going to ogle? It’s pretty much just Russell Brand or those Jonas kids? Somehow Christina is on the set of Deal or No Deal? She is lip-synching, which makes me sad.
Russell Brand responds to Jordin Sparks by kind of apologizing, and saying he doesn’t want to piss on teenagers, and also something about rhubarb.
I LOVE LAUREN CONRAD AND I DON’T EVEN CARE WHO KNOWS IT! When Russell Brand introduces her, he pronounces “The Hills” as “The Eels”. Maybe he just wants to remind us how cold and slimy Spencer is.
QB and I have narrowed down why the sets and flow of the show were extra shoddy this year; either Russell Brand and Best New Artists Tokio Hotel spent the whole production budget on hairspray, or MTV just wanted to remind us how shallow and ineffectual they have become. Hence, the fake-y sets and stage-y fakeouts.
I know LL Cool J is about 97 years old, but he is still smoking hot. QB can get behind Ladies Loving Cool J. I would just like to get behind LL Cool J. I’m not sure how that would work. But apparently I am straight again!
Best Pop Video: B. Ritt! The redemption is complete!
Our recording ends, even though apparently the show goes on or something? There are title cards saying that Kanye will close the show in 13 minutes, but my recording has definitely ended. Oh, live awards shows running long, you scoundrels! Whatever. I cannot be bothered to hunt down the rest. I trust you guys to comment if I missed something totes awesome.
Oh, yeah. Spencer and Heidi were there at one point. But the less said about that the better.
I know we say this every year, but seriously. Worst VMAs ever.