18 vs. 25
so here is my position?
there is this 18 year old in me who refuses to grow up in any way shape or form. all she wants to do is go to parties, make out, meet boys, dance, drink, sleep in, eat fries and be a kid forever.
there is this 25 year old in me that wants to get a great job, own a house, graduate , be serious, go only out on early evening get togethers with my friends, sit at home in the pjs, and be a responsible adult.
i believe that for a number of years the 25 year old was winning the battle and everything was going well in my plan to be successful at school and work. but then i felt bad that i was so called "missing out on being young and enmjoying my life". So i let the 18 year old roam free occasionally. but as of recent i can say that i believe that the 18 year old took over. Me and her partied like crazy did whatever we wanted and throughly enjoyed life. But i need the 25 year old to get alittle more dominance over the 18 year old impulses to keep up with my busy life and schedule.
so i thought about it: i cant be 18 and im not 25. im 22, im sadie and what i do and how i do it has to be mine. in my fashion and in my style.
dating is the example: ive never been good at dating, though i frequently preform this act. At least once a week i go out with a new boy in hopes of...thats the problem. for me its just going out. in the past there have been some awkward dates that turned into relationships and then down the road trainwrecked (as opposed to that 1st date night). but in genereal they dont work. either im bored or their bored or we dont work or your annoying or not my type or you fall in love with me and i feel bad. Dating is meant to be just dating. but i have to remember that the ohter persons feelings are attached. and while right now the idea of any commitment to even a hair color freaks me out, the prosepect of kissing and other such things drives me to keep going. but then when your only in it for that and the ohter is looking for miss right and they project that on you, you feel like an ass hole. THe 25 year old says stay at home and lock yourself up cause you are so far from ready to be owned, abused, and annoyed with another boyfriend (baggage). but the 18 wants to get laid as often as possible by the cute boys that live in this city.
they are battleing at every front you can see.
so what then: I saw some things this weekend that made me change inside a bit.
im on lease to everything i do: i am not ready to be your savior or your girlfriend but i am ready for dinner and drinks, im not ready for a careear or too much responsibilty but i am ready to get through this next semster. im not ready to be a insider but i do like when i can sit at home in my slippers with the ladies and chat.im not ready to give you all my time cause i find that no matter what over the years i am happiest in the pressence of christie, elyse, angie, allison , and jessica. (yep all girls)
simply im doing the best i can to get me where i want to go. i want the job and the parties and there is nothing wrong with that. its just im not the partier that "you" are, and i want the job and the nice life and the success but not in the way that "you" are getting it. my past has lead me to a place where i really like sadie and the person that ive grown up into. im fucking unberably pretty, funny, witty, caring, and awesome, and im a shit bag. those are both cool ways to describe me.
im doing shit at my pace and you may think i am weird and im happy that what your doing is working for you but this is whats working for me. and i just needed my self to tell myself this on some form of a letter because i get sick of what is expected in general being applied to me . i think i can do so much more and care to do so much less at the same time.
i refuse to feel bad becasue i hurt you and you didnt expect it becasue sweetie i told you from the start where i was coming from but like every other man you didnt listen and you wanted way more than i am from me , maybe if you payed attention and stopped seeing me through the glass lens that you wanted to , it would have been clear that what i said is what i meant. and now youve creeped me out.
fuck it : sterns on all day and of course i have another date tonight sorry
there is this 18 year old in me who refuses to grow up in any way shape or form. all she wants to do is go to parties, make out, meet boys, dance, drink, sleep in, eat fries and be a kid forever.
there is this 25 year old in me that wants to get a great job, own a house, graduate , be serious, go only out on early evening get togethers with my friends, sit at home in the pjs, and be a responsible adult.
i believe that for a number of years the 25 year old was winning the battle and everything was going well in my plan to be successful at school and work. but then i felt bad that i was so called "missing out on being young and enmjoying my life". So i let the 18 year old roam free occasionally. but as of recent i can say that i believe that the 18 year old took over. Me and her partied like crazy did whatever we wanted and throughly enjoyed life. But i need the 25 year old to get alittle more dominance over the 18 year old impulses to keep up with my busy life and schedule.
so i thought about it: i cant be 18 and im not 25. im 22, im sadie and what i do and how i do it has to be mine. in my fashion and in my style.
dating is the example: ive never been good at dating, though i frequently preform this act. At least once a week i go out with a new boy in hopes of...thats the problem. for me its just going out. in the past there have been some awkward dates that turned into relationships and then down the road trainwrecked (as opposed to that 1st date night). but in genereal they dont work. either im bored or their bored or we dont work or your annoying or not my type or you fall in love with me and i feel bad. Dating is meant to be just dating. but i have to remember that the ohter persons feelings are attached. and while right now the idea of any commitment to even a hair color freaks me out, the prosepect of kissing and other such things drives me to keep going. but then when your only in it for that and the ohter is looking for miss right and they project that on you, you feel like an ass hole. THe 25 year old says stay at home and lock yourself up cause you are so far from ready to be owned, abused, and annoyed with another boyfriend (baggage). but the 18 wants to get laid as often as possible by the cute boys that live in this city.
they are battleing at every front you can see.
so what then: I saw some things this weekend that made me change inside a bit.
im on lease to everything i do: i am not ready to be your savior or your girlfriend but i am ready for dinner and drinks, im not ready for a careear or too much responsibilty but i am ready to get through this next semster. im not ready to be a insider but i do like when i can sit at home in my slippers with the ladies and chat.im not ready to give you all my time cause i find that no matter what over the years i am happiest in the pressence of christie, elyse, angie, allison , and jessica. (yep all girls)
simply im doing the best i can to get me where i want to go. i want the job and the parties and there is nothing wrong with that. its just im not the partier that "you" are, and i want the job and the nice life and the success but not in the way that "you" are getting it. my past has lead me to a place where i really like sadie and the person that ive grown up into. im fucking unberably pretty, funny, witty, caring, and awesome, and im a shit bag. those are both cool ways to describe me.
im doing shit at my pace and you may think i am weird and im happy that what your doing is working for you but this is whats working for me. and i just needed my self to tell myself this on some form of a letter because i get sick of what is expected in general being applied to me . i think i can do so much more and care to do so much less at the same time.
i refuse to feel bad becasue i hurt you and you didnt expect it becasue sweetie i told you from the start where i was coming from but like every other man you didnt listen and you wanted way more than i am from me , maybe if you payed attention and stopped seeing me through the glass lens that you wanted to , it would have been clear that what i said is what i meant. and now youve creeped me out.
fuck it : sterns on all day and of course i have another date tonight sorry