Child's Play
I have been recently re-reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. I first read this book when the M was maybe 2 years old, and re-reading it now, I'm reminded about how many of our silly games and routines came as a result of things I read about in the book. For example, we play a game called "Fill You Up Wth Love," where I say, I'm going to fill you up with love..." and then I squeeze her toes "I'm gonna fill your
toes up with love...I’m gonna fill your ankles up with love..." and so on until I'm rubbing the top of her head and saying "I'm gonna fill you up with love, all the way up to the top of your head." The game is a version of one used in an example in the
book. We did that a lot when she was a toddler, and not so much lately, but a few weeks ago, she requested it and we've started to do it again. The timing of bringing that game back is great, because the last month has been quirky, with a constantly changing schedule, vacation, and inconsistent amounts of time together, so she's been
needing more cuddle time and closeness.
I started re reading the book because I've noticed lately that I sometimes, and maybe more often than not, have a hard time playing with my kid. I find it challenging to just relax into playing, to allow myself to get into these elaborate scenarios of make believe that are very popular with M right now. At the same time, I know it's an important thing to do. I learn so much when I play with her, like I learn what she's thinking about, or new words, scenarios and ideas, but it's also a great way to connect, and when we've played together for awhile, N is a lot more relaxed in her needs for focused attention.
Anyway, Cohen discusses in his book the importance of play as a tool for children to explore things and work out ideas, experiences, and so on, even to the extent of using play to work through trauma. Recently, because I've been re-reading the book and because I've been paying close attention to N's play as a result, I noticed two
examples of this, of M using play to work out things.
The other day we spent the day with some friends. M is a single mama friend of mine and B is her kid, just 6 months younger than N. I am always excited to hang out with M, and the kids talk about hanging out with each other a lot, but when we actually get them together, with a few exceptions, it takes them a long time to get comfortable and start to really play together. The other day, B was really not comfortable, and so the kids mostly interacted with the adults and did parallel play like when they were toddlers (that is, parallel play is more common in toddlers, where the kids do the same things, mirroring each other, but don't interact much beyond the copying). It was N's naptime, and both kids were not having a great time as we walked on the beach. B was upset about a stick that N had, and was talking about it in a fairly whiny voice, and N said, in a somewhat stern and loud voice, said "B, I don't like it when you whine at me!" B collapsed into tears, crying about N yelling at her, which led to N crying because she said she didn't yell. M and I each talked with our prospective kid, and it took awhile until both the kids were ready to go on. A couple hours later, the kids were finally feeling comfortable and were running around, chasing each other and being pretty silly, and suddenly, with very little negotiations or consulting that I noticed, they informed us that they were playing “the game where you whine at each other,” and they ran around, making whiny sounds at each other and shrieking in laughter, and getting along wonderfully.
The second situation involved N working through some fear. Recently I took her to Fisherman's Wharf; we had planned to spend the day together, and I asked her where she wanted to go, and she said she wanted to go to the place where you sit in the train and it makes cartoons, which is one of the machines at the Musee Mechanique, which
is now located at Fisherman's Wharf. So we went, dropped a bunch of quarters in a bunch of machines (it's a lot of fun and really neat; a lot of the machines are really old, but they also have pinball and photobooths that makes stickers), and then we went to eat at this place that makes amazing sourdough bread, and they also make sourdough loaves of bread shaped like animals...crabs, crocodiles, teddy bears. N loves to get the teddy bears and then eviscerate them....she loves to pull off chunks of their bodies, and rip open their bellies and gnaw on them. It's...well, I'm sure it sounds gorey but it's actually just really funny. I do wonder if she's meeting some primal need unmet by her vegetarian diet. In any case, it's funny to see how people react to it. Afterwards, we were walking along in the stream of tourists (it.was.so.crowded.) and we came across “the Bushman.” The Bushman is a busking fixture at Fisherman’s Wharf who has been written up in magazines and whatnot, and once even had a legal dispute with someone who was copying his schtick. He sits on the sidewalk on a bucket, hiding behind a few wilted leafy branches. He sits there very still, and then occasionally, he shakes the bushes and goes, "rrroawg" at people walking by. He's good at what he does...even though there was a huge crowd of people stopped and watching him, he still got people. anyhow, N and I stopped and watched for a minute while I tried to explain it to her, but she was frightened and we moved on pretty quickly. Later that day, back at home, she was playing with her dad (who is a lot better at playing than I am) while I cooked, and I suddenly tuned in to what they were playing. N was hiding behind a big cardboard box, and when J would go by, she would jump out at him and go " rroawg" at him. She was playing a Bushman game, processing what she’d felt and turning into fun.
toes up with love...I’m gonna fill your ankles up with love..." and so on until I'm rubbing the top of her head and saying "I'm gonna fill you up with love, all the way up to the top of your head." The game is a version of one used in an example in the
book. We did that a lot when she was a toddler, and not so much lately, but a few weeks ago, she requested it and we've started to do it again. The timing of bringing that game back is great, because the last month has been quirky, with a constantly changing schedule, vacation, and inconsistent amounts of time together, so she's been
needing more cuddle time and closeness.
I started re reading the book because I've noticed lately that I sometimes, and maybe more often than not, have a hard time playing with my kid. I find it challenging to just relax into playing, to allow myself to get into these elaborate scenarios of make believe that are very popular with M right now. At the same time, I know it's an important thing to do. I learn so much when I play with her, like I learn what she's thinking about, or new words, scenarios and ideas, but it's also a great way to connect, and when we've played together for awhile, N is a lot more relaxed in her needs for focused attention.
Anyway, Cohen discusses in his book the importance of play as a tool for children to explore things and work out ideas, experiences, and so on, even to the extent of using play to work through trauma. Recently, because I've been re-reading the book and because I've been paying close attention to N's play as a result, I noticed two
examples of this, of M using play to work out things.
The other day we spent the day with some friends. M is a single mama friend of mine and B is her kid, just 6 months younger than N. I am always excited to hang out with M, and the kids talk about hanging out with each other a lot, but when we actually get them together, with a few exceptions, it takes them a long time to get comfortable and start to really play together. The other day, B was really not comfortable, and so the kids mostly interacted with the adults and did parallel play like when they were toddlers (that is, parallel play is more common in toddlers, where the kids do the same things, mirroring each other, but don't interact much beyond the copying). It was N's naptime, and both kids were not having a great time as we walked on the beach. B was upset about a stick that N had, and was talking about it in a fairly whiny voice, and N said, in a somewhat stern and loud voice, said "B, I don't like it when you whine at me!" B collapsed into tears, crying about N yelling at her, which led to N crying because she said she didn't yell. M and I each talked with our prospective kid, and it took awhile until both the kids were ready to go on. A couple hours later, the kids were finally feeling comfortable and were running around, chasing each other and being pretty silly, and suddenly, with very little negotiations or consulting that I noticed, they informed us that they were playing “the game where you whine at each other,” and they ran around, making whiny sounds at each other and shrieking in laughter, and getting along wonderfully.
The second situation involved N working through some fear. Recently I took her to Fisherman's Wharf; we had planned to spend the day together, and I asked her where she wanted to go, and she said she wanted to go to the place where you sit in the train and it makes cartoons, which is one of the machines at the Musee Mechanique, which
is now located at Fisherman's Wharf. So we went, dropped a bunch of quarters in a bunch of machines (it's a lot of fun and really neat; a lot of the machines are really old, but they also have pinball and photobooths that makes stickers), and then we went to eat at this place that makes amazing sourdough bread, and they also make sourdough loaves of bread shaped like animals...crabs, crocodiles, teddy bears. N loves to get the teddy bears and then eviscerate them....she loves to pull off chunks of their bodies, and rip open their bellies and gnaw on them. It's...well, I'm sure it sounds gorey but it's actually just really funny. I do wonder if she's meeting some primal need unmet by her vegetarian diet. In any case, it's funny to see how people react to it. Afterwards, we were walking along in the stream of tourists (it.was.so.crowded.) and we came across “the Bushman.” The Bushman is a busking fixture at Fisherman’s Wharf who has been written up in magazines and whatnot, and once even had a legal dispute with someone who was copying his schtick. He sits on the sidewalk on a bucket, hiding behind a few wilted leafy branches. He sits there very still, and then occasionally, he shakes the bushes and goes, "rrroawg" at people walking by. He's good at what he does...even though there was a huge crowd of people stopped and watching him, he still got people. anyhow, N and I stopped and watched for a minute while I tried to explain it to her, but she was frightened and we moved on pretty quickly. Later that day, back at home, she was playing with her dad (who is a lot better at playing than I am) while I cooked, and I suddenly tuned in to what they were playing. N was hiding behind a big cardboard box, and when J would go by, she would jump out at him and go " rroawg" at him. She was playing a Bushman game, processing what she’d felt and turning into fun.