More random bullshit musings...
So there's this guy. And I really like him. And he makes me glow from the inside out. And I can't have him. Cuz SHE has him. And he wants to take care of her. He loves her? But there is something about me. And he's told some of his friends about me. But he won't say what he said. So I don't know what he thinks. Or feels. And I'm so confused. And I always want to push the envelope. But I never want to make the first move... fear of...
rejection? (would he say no?)
guilt? (would I really feel bad? and for what? breaking up a home...? I know he won't leave her)
sluttiness? (would I look like a slut if I did what I felt?)
I think there are two reasons why I never wanted to get married.
1) I never wanted to be vulnerable and in love. (like I saw my mom: heartbroken, weak, and useless) But now I'm vulnerable and stupid anyway. I've already fucked my life up. What's the use in protecting myself now?
2) Marriage is a sham and true love can't exist. (because everyone cheats) But now I see how happy Dad and JoAnn are and maybe people really can find their counterpart in another...
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS LOVE ANYWAY?
Some happy fuzzy? That goes away, doesn't it? Acceptance? Anyone can love anyone then. Wanting the best for someone? I tried that, that's just nurture.
I want to make someone undescribably happy by just being me. I wanna wash and they dry. I wanna work and come home and veg and snuggle. I don't care what gender they are. I don't care if I have a ring. I don't even maybe care if it's forever. I want to LIVE. Sometimes damnit I'll want to argue but not about anything serious and only to make up afterward. And if I want to stay mad then damnit I will!! But I want someone there for me as much as I am for them, but neither of us be a burden. I want to belong but feel free. Does that exist?
And the real answer is that it doesn't matter. I need to finish school. I need to get a good job. I need to provide for my daughter. If I'm just fucked on the side of the road then that's what I get. Somewhere somehow some happiness will find me. (And my head screams... BUT IT ALREADY HAS, YOU STUPID CUNT. LOOK IT IN THE FACE AND EMBRACE IT.)
rejection? (would he say no?)
guilt? (would I really feel bad? and for what? breaking up a home...? I know he won't leave her)
sluttiness? (would I look like a slut if I did what I felt?)
I think there are two reasons why I never wanted to get married.
1) I never wanted to be vulnerable and in love. (like I saw my mom: heartbroken, weak, and useless) But now I'm vulnerable and stupid anyway. I've already fucked my life up. What's the use in protecting myself now?
2) Marriage is a sham and true love can't exist. (because everyone cheats) But now I see how happy Dad and JoAnn are and maybe people really can find their counterpart in another...
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS LOVE ANYWAY?
Some happy fuzzy? That goes away, doesn't it? Acceptance? Anyone can love anyone then. Wanting the best for someone? I tried that, that's just nurture.
I want to make someone undescribably happy by just being me. I wanna wash and they dry. I wanna work and come home and veg and snuggle. I don't care what gender they are. I don't care if I have a ring. I don't even maybe care if it's forever. I want to LIVE. Sometimes damnit I'll want to argue but not about anything serious and only to make up afterward. And if I want to stay mad then damnit I will!! But I want someone there for me as much as I am for them, but neither of us be a burden. I want to belong but feel free. Does that exist?
And the real answer is that it doesn't matter. I need to finish school. I need to get a good job. I need to provide for my daughter. If I'm just fucked on the side of the road then that's what I get. Somewhere somehow some happiness will find me. (And my head screams... BUT IT ALREADY HAS, YOU STUPID CUNT. LOOK IT IN THE FACE AND EMBRACE IT.)