Battle on all fronts...
I don't know what to write.
Correction.
I know what I want to write, but I'm afraid that if I start writing...if I let my fingers cry my tears, the flood will never stop.
The emotions are so...so wild and disraught, banging against the bars of my self-imposed discipline.
I know already that tomorrow, I'll fast. I'll cut my food intake down to almost nothing...because it seems that's all I can do right now. Because I need comfort, I need to feel that something in my life is going well...that something is dependable.
It's too late for that tonight. I sit and I write...because writing is that last line of defense. If I stop writing, I'll start writing...and then it will indeed be over.
My mother found my livejournal yesterday. Auryane, thank God, not this one. How? Basically (this is spectulation, but the best we've come up with), Adrian ogged into AOL with my name earlier this evening. My family uses AOL--from AOL, she can't see AIM profiles. But from AOL, she can see AOL profiles. She was probably on at the same time, saw my AOL profile, which is linked to my AOL homepage...which contains a link to my "Auryane" journal.
Her email:
Keke,
Your journal is on public wondering that is the way you wanted.
I can read it, every one knows your email address can search and read it.
So your life stories are on public.
If you really want to write your stories public and feel good about it, if all people mentioned in your journal like to be on public too, then you go your own way. I would not be bothered to write anything here. But I have questions on all Ifs.
The fact is that you spoke all dark part of you ( Not TRUE, complete stories) for which many people don't want to mention because darkness is just a piece of time. People sleep in dark (unaware of it, unvalued it, then pass it to light ). You DISPLAYed your dark moments, so that put yourself even more in dark. It just like every one has a bad smell when sweating, so before you face others, go to a shower, washing the bad smell away. Reason is simple and common:
No one likes bad smell, no one would be glad Bearing other’s bad smell, Also displaying his/her bad smell does not help any thing better, and only make you feel worse. Only the ones who want to take advantages from others weakness would like to get into the dark part, why give those ones a chance?
You mentioned all people, their real names in your stories, Do you have any sense that your words will hurt the ones loved you most and the relatives closet to you and gave you support at any moment?
Dear Keke, don’t stay in the darkness and talk about it. You will get lost in it.
Sleep at dark, wake up in the morning, live under the light that will save you a lot of troubles. You have a long journal to find yourself, to reach higher goals, and to have
more enjoyment and happiness ahead.
May God bless you, and lead you,
May the Lord in you, and you never be alone,
May His love abounded upon you, and you in secure,
May you be meek and humble no more fear,
Dear Keke, I have my own words no more, only praying for you in my heart.
The prayer at the end really cinched my fury. This is the kind of righteous evanglicalision that drove me away from ANY church, ANY God for 3 years. It wasn't until I started exploring other religious traditions that I started to realize religion isn't merely about proving yourself to be holier-than-thou. My mother, however, has apparently not learned that lesson.
*sighs*
I hate dealing with this question. It isn't just about finding one of my journals (what was she doing snooping through my things anyway?), or a matter of trust (she's seen that journal before, and PROMISED me that she'd never go there again), or betrayal...it's a matter of figuring out if I want her in my life at all.
There's much that she doesn't know about. The ED is the tip if the iceberg. To my credit (claiming credit, at least), I make no secrets of the fact that I'm keeping secrets from her. I owe her that much honesty, at least. There's much that I CAN'T tell her (namely since she's one of the primary causes of it)--even my shrinks have agreed on this much...my mother is so unstable and difficult, even violent herself...and so deeply in denial about all of that that explaining my problems will almost surely just make things that much worse.
The problem is dealing with the aftermath of secrets. She doesn't view me as an adult enough to handle the situation by myself...she doesn't trust me to know how to best handle things, even when I assure her (truthfully) that the professionals--psychological, academenic, and medical--are in agreement with my decisions. In her usual controlling fashion, she HAS to be involved...
Which makes me clamp up even tighter. In recent years, I've shown her tiny slivers of myself...carefully regimated, regulated, slivers that won't shock her very strong, and rather inaccurate vision of me. You saw a bit of that in the journal--how she refuses to acknowledge the darkness, the sadness...and my Auryane journal is a rather disporportionally cheerful reflection me. Right now, at least. I won't always be this way--but at the moment, I'm fighting off an eating disorder, clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, and an addiction to bad relationships (even when I'm in a good one)...among other miscellious addictions that I use to subsitute for the ED (which in itself is a substitution for God knows what). Unless I'm willing to face the darkness that I carry around, I'll never be able to defeat it--or shape it, or learn to deal with it. Unlike, I refuse to stay in denial. I can't escape her temper, her violence, even (though I control that side of me much better)...but I can escape her tendency to turn around and pretend none of it happen. I WILL stare at the aftermass...because only this way...only when the broken shards are cutting deep into my heart, can I learn not to let it happen again. She smiles at me, or at Dad a few hours after she leaves her palmprint on my face. It's easier that way...to pretend that it never happened...but it also ensures that the cycle will continue.
*sighs* The real question: What the hell am I going to do with her? I've tried...God knows we've BOTH tried to mend this relationship. And it hasn't worked. It's like putting a bandaid on a festering wound...we can both pretend that it's getting better...that things might be different, this time...but deep nothing, nothing has changed. I'm still drawn to/terrified of her...I'm still fiercely protective of my independence...and truth is, I'm just learning to act like an adult. Learning to BE an adult...I can't deal with my mother because I can't treat her like her. Her words are forgotten in a few days. Her promises are precariously balanced with her moods. She has a child's impulse to act before she thinks, and child's stubborn blindness to match. *sighs* My father doesn't treat her like an adult, because he's learned the can't. He speaks more openly and honestly with me. I can't fault him on that. I've tried, with my mother...but it doesn't work. She simply will not be held accountable for her actions, her words...
Which leaves me at a loss as to how to deal with her. I can't make this relationship work. I already know that I can't change her. I haven't tried to change her since I went off to high school--i've forced on how to change myself around her, so that we can operate as my family. As my Dad keeps telling me, I try to say what everyone wants me to say, do what I should do...and screw the fact that it's all built on greying-white lies. But even that doesn't work. I'll too damn insistent on honesty, which means I end up in too many battles of principle. I just can't "let it go"...
I can't cut her off either, as Adrian (mellow, family-oriented Adrian) keeps telling me. I know that she's...she's making ME worse right now, that I would be healthier if I could cut her off...but I can't. She's still my mother. God, she has her entire life planned around me. As long as she's convinced that I'm her sole reason for existing (no exaggeration--while this is far from the truth, her conviction is enough to be troubling)...I can't cut her off. I care about her too, unfortunately...
I'm going to sit back and wait for a while.
I deleted "Auryane" temporary...I'm going to go back and make it friends-only when I get the chance...but in the meantime, I need to practice damage control. I'm going to email my former roomate and ask (again) if she'll take me in for the rest of the summer (or at least the 3 weeks before I go to Notre Dame). I might not take her up on that in the end...but I need that option open.
I need to know that there's an "out"...it if ever comes down to it.
******
Things didn't go so well with Adrian tonight either. *sighs* I was stressed out over this...and frustrated, that he kept offering me options, rather than paying attention to emotions. I understand that he was being rational and helpful because I wasn't being too much of either...but what I needed wasn't cold rationality, but someone to listen...someone who can feel how frustrated and confused I feel...and can respond. *sighs* To add to this, he's visiting a friend right now, and made his eagerness to get back to that friend rather blatant. Even suggested, at one point, that my "problems" always come up with he's with his friends...
Great. As if I needed more guilt. We got into another frustrated/angry matches...I really just needed his support and attention, without the guilt of taking up his time attached. He kept telling me that he wasn't helping (which is true, because we spent 80% of the time arguing over his lack of helpfulness or my lack of gratitude), and he should just go back to his friend anyway...
I feel abandoned. I hung up on him, in the end...but I still feel abandoned. Was it too much to ask--30 minutes, so that I don't go to bed crying?
Maybe it's too much of a loaded question phrased that way...but Goddamit, that's how I feel right now.
On the food front, I've had a 5-day long binge, and the bloated, water-retentative stomach to show for it...and of course, the emotional breakdown that accompanies long binges. We've all been there. I won't go into details.
Fasting tomorrow.
I wish that I could say I'll wake up with the strength to resist. I know better, really. I know that it's a temporary solution that could have unwanted permanent side efforts. But right now...I need that short-term comfort so badly that I...
It's not that I don't care. More like I can't afford to care about next week, when it feels like I can't even get through tomorrow.
And dear God, I need a CLEAN, EDITED, COMPLETE draft of that 20-page monster paper to turn in in 36 hours. I'm nowhere close to being done.
Fasting tomorrow. Irrational, illogical, insane...but if it gets me through tomorrow...
*****
Finally, a quick apology. I haven't been able to keep up with my friend' pages. I've been in Chicago since Thursday..just got back on Monday. I promise, I'll catch up...but not until this paper is in.
Also, on the days when I'm consciously trying to eat very little/fasting...when I KNOW that I'm slipping up badly in terms of recovery, I keep my journal entries in another journal, or private. I try to keep this journal largely trigger-free.
Correction.
I know what I want to write, but I'm afraid that if I start writing...if I let my fingers cry my tears, the flood will never stop.
The emotions are so...so wild and disraught, banging against the bars of my self-imposed discipline.
I know already that tomorrow, I'll fast. I'll cut my food intake down to almost nothing...because it seems that's all I can do right now. Because I need comfort, I need to feel that something in my life is going well...that something is dependable.
It's too late for that tonight. I sit and I write...because writing is that last line of defense. If I stop writing, I'll start writing...and then it will indeed be over.
My mother found my livejournal yesterday. Auryane, thank God, not this one. How? Basically (this is spectulation, but the best we've come up with), Adrian ogged into AOL with my name earlier this evening. My family uses AOL--from AOL, she can't see AIM profiles. But from AOL, she can see AOL profiles. She was probably on at the same time, saw my AOL profile, which is linked to my AOL homepage...which contains a link to my "Auryane" journal.
Her email:
Keke,
Your journal is on public wondering that is the way you wanted.
I can read it, every one knows your email address can search and read it.
So your life stories are on public.
If you really want to write your stories public and feel good about it, if all people mentioned in your journal like to be on public too, then you go your own way. I would not be bothered to write anything here. But I have questions on all Ifs.
The fact is that you spoke all dark part of you ( Not TRUE, complete stories) for which many people don't want to mention because darkness is just a piece of time. People sleep in dark (unaware of it, unvalued it, then pass it to light ). You DISPLAYed your dark moments, so that put yourself even more in dark. It just like every one has a bad smell when sweating, so before you face others, go to a shower, washing the bad smell away. Reason is simple and common:
No one likes bad smell, no one would be glad Bearing other’s bad smell, Also displaying his/her bad smell does not help any thing better, and only make you feel worse. Only the ones who want to take advantages from others weakness would like to get into the dark part, why give those ones a chance?
You mentioned all people, their real names in your stories, Do you have any sense that your words will hurt the ones loved you most and the relatives closet to you and gave you support at any moment?
Dear Keke, don’t stay in the darkness and talk about it. You will get lost in it.
Sleep at dark, wake up in the morning, live under the light that will save you a lot of troubles. You have a long journal to find yourself, to reach higher goals, and to have
more enjoyment and happiness ahead.
May God bless you, and lead you,
May the Lord in you, and you never be alone,
May His love abounded upon you, and you in secure,
May you be meek and humble no more fear,
Dear Keke, I have my own words no more, only praying for you in my heart.
The prayer at the end really cinched my fury. This is the kind of righteous evanglicalision that drove me away from ANY church, ANY God for 3 years. It wasn't until I started exploring other religious traditions that I started to realize religion isn't merely about proving yourself to be holier-than-thou. My mother, however, has apparently not learned that lesson.
*sighs*
I hate dealing with this question. It isn't just about finding one of my journals (what was she doing snooping through my things anyway?), or a matter of trust (she's seen that journal before, and PROMISED me that she'd never go there again), or betrayal...it's a matter of figuring out if I want her in my life at all.
There's much that she doesn't know about. The ED is the tip if the iceberg. To my credit (claiming credit, at least), I make no secrets of the fact that I'm keeping secrets from her. I owe her that much honesty, at least. There's much that I CAN'T tell her (namely since she's one of the primary causes of it)--even my shrinks have agreed on this much...my mother is so unstable and difficult, even violent herself...and so deeply in denial about all of that that explaining my problems will almost surely just make things that much worse.
The problem is dealing with the aftermath of secrets. She doesn't view me as an adult enough to handle the situation by myself...she doesn't trust me to know how to best handle things, even when I assure her (truthfully) that the professionals--psychological, academenic, and medical--are in agreement with my decisions. In her usual controlling fashion, she HAS to be involved...
Which makes me clamp up even tighter. In recent years, I've shown her tiny slivers of myself...carefully regimated, regulated, slivers that won't shock her very strong, and rather inaccurate vision of me. You saw a bit of that in the journal--how she refuses to acknowledge the darkness, the sadness...and my Auryane journal is a rather disporportionally cheerful reflection me. Right now, at least. I won't always be this way--but at the moment, I'm fighting off an eating disorder, clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, and an addiction to bad relationships (even when I'm in a good one)...among other miscellious addictions that I use to subsitute for the ED (which in itself is a substitution for God knows what). Unless I'm willing to face the darkness that I carry around, I'll never be able to defeat it--or shape it, or learn to deal with it. Unlike, I refuse to stay in denial. I can't escape her temper, her violence, even (though I control that side of me much better)...but I can escape her tendency to turn around and pretend none of it happen. I WILL stare at the aftermass...because only this way...only when the broken shards are cutting deep into my heart, can I learn not to let it happen again. She smiles at me, or at Dad a few hours after she leaves her palmprint on my face. It's easier that way...to pretend that it never happened...but it also ensures that the cycle will continue.
*sighs* The real question: What the hell am I going to do with her? I've tried...God knows we've BOTH tried to mend this relationship. And it hasn't worked. It's like putting a bandaid on a festering wound...we can both pretend that it's getting better...that things might be different, this time...but deep nothing, nothing has changed. I'm still drawn to/terrified of her...I'm still fiercely protective of my independence...and truth is, I'm just learning to act like an adult. Learning to BE an adult...I can't deal with my mother because I can't treat her like her. Her words are forgotten in a few days. Her promises are precariously balanced with her moods. She has a child's impulse to act before she thinks, and child's stubborn blindness to match. *sighs* My father doesn't treat her like an adult, because he's learned the can't. He speaks more openly and honestly with me. I can't fault him on that. I've tried, with my mother...but it doesn't work. She simply will not be held accountable for her actions, her words...
Which leaves me at a loss as to how to deal with her. I can't make this relationship work. I already know that I can't change her. I haven't tried to change her since I went off to high school--i've forced on how to change myself around her, so that we can operate as my family. As my Dad keeps telling me, I try to say what everyone wants me to say, do what I should do...and screw the fact that it's all built on greying-white lies. But even that doesn't work. I'll too damn insistent on honesty, which means I end up in too many battles of principle. I just can't "let it go"...
I can't cut her off either, as Adrian (mellow, family-oriented Adrian) keeps telling me. I know that she's...she's making ME worse right now, that I would be healthier if I could cut her off...but I can't. She's still my mother. God, she has her entire life planned around me. As long as she's convinced that I'm her sole reason for existing (no exaggeration--while this is far from the truth, her conviction is enough to be troubling)...I can't cut her off. I care about her too, unfortunately...
I'm going to sit back and wait for a while.
I deleted "Auryane" temporary...I'm going to go back and make it friends-only when I get the chance...but in the meantime, I need to practice damage control. I'm going to email my former roomate and ask (again) if she'll take me in for the rest of the summer (or at least the 3 weeks before I go to Notre Dame). I might not take her up on that in the end...but I need that option open.
I need to know that there's an "out"...it if ever comes down to it.
******
Things didn't go so well with Adrian tonight either. *sighs* I was stressed out over this...and frustrated, that he kept offering me options, rather than paying attention to emotions. I understand that he was being rational and helpful because I wasn't being too much of either...but what I needed wasn't cold rationality, but someone to listen...someone who can feel how frustrated and confused I feel...and can respond. *sighs* To add to this, he's visiting a friend right now, and made his eagerness to get back to that friend rather blatant. Even suggested, at one point, that my "problems" always come up with he's with his friends...
Great. As if I needed more guilt. We got into another frustrated/angry matches...I really just needed his support and attention, without the guilt of taking up his time attached. He kept telling me that he wasn't helping (which is true, because we spent 80% of the time arguing over his lack of helpfulness or my lack of gratitude), and he should just go back to his friend anyway...
I feel abandoned. I hung up on him, in the end...but I still feel abandoned. Was it too much to ask--30 minutes, so that I don't go to bed crying?
Maybe it's too much of a loaded question phrased that way...but Goddamit, that's how I feel right now.
On the food front, I've had a 5-day long binge, and the bloated, water-retentative stomach to show for it...and of course, the emotional breakdown that accompanies long binges. We've all been there. I won't go into details.
Fasting tomorrow.
I wish that I could say I'll wake up with the strength to resist. I know better, really. I know that it's a temporary solution that could have unwanted permanent side efforts. But right now...I need that short-term comfort so badly that I...
It's not that I don't care. More like I can't afford to care about next week, when it feels like I can't even get through tomorrow.
And dear God, I need a CLEAN, EDITED, COMPLETE draft of that 20-page monster paper to turn in in 36 hours. I'm nowhere close to being done.
Fasting tomorrow. Irrational, illogical, insane...but if it gets me through tomorrow...
*****
Finally, a quick apology. I haven't been able to keep up with my friend' pages. I've been in Chicago since Thursday..just got back on Monday. I promise, I'll catch up...but not until this paper is in.
Also, on the days when I'm consciously trying to eat very little/fasting...when I KNOW that I'm slipping up badly in terms of recovery, I keep my journal entries in another journal, or private. I try to keep this journal largely trigger-free.