Acting...
Staci, my former therapist and i didn't always get along. But she taught me one that thing that I've found to be useful, if difficult.
I often feel distanced from the person I want to be. I WANT feel confident, feel intelligent, feel strong...but on the worst days, I feel exactly the opposite. Instead of wallowing in my misery (and my 2-sizes-too-big sweatpants), she told me to act as if I already am that person. It's uncomfortable at first--I feel like a kid playing dress-up. But it does work. By the end of the day, after "forcing" myself into the role, I start to take on that role--after all, the "role" is merely the person I want to be. Wear the mask long enough, and it starts to become a part of you.
So today, after the worst binge last night (a "real" binge, rather then my usual over-eating that my panicking mind tends to classify as a binge), after 5 hours of sleep (stayed up late writing/crying over the still unfinished outline of my paper)...the only thing I wanted was to curl up somewhere (perferable in bed) and pretend that I don't exist.
Instead, I gave myself a half-day off from classes (we get 2 "free" cuts--today is my first), I pushed off the editing until tonight, and I'm giving myself a break from the paper (which isn't due for another month) until Wednesday, when I'm meeting with my profs. Perhaps he can clarify some of these difficult concepts.
I was still tempted to curl up under the covers in my comfyest flannel pj's (turning the a/c down to 68 so I don't sweat to death) and feel sorry for myself.
Instead, I'm going out for a walk. I'm taking 2 books--one that I have to read for class, and one that I picked up for myself--and I'm going to a coffeeshop. I dug out a silver miniskirt (cute, but still respectable) and silk, feminine top. I eyed my heeled sandals, then imagined myself negotating the stairs--and went for more managable pair of flats.
I feel like a kid, playing dress-up. The reflection in the mirror suggests a girl who feels pretty and confident, who welcomes attention (but not too much of it)--the opposite of how I really feel.
But maybe, by the end of the day, these clothes will seem a more familiar--maybe I'll be more at home in my own skin.
Act if I'm already there...and I'll get there someday.
I often feel distanced from the person I want to be. I WANT feel confident, feel intelligent, feel strong...but on the worst days, I feel exactly the opposite. Instead of wallowing in my misery (and my 2-sizes-too-big sweatpants), she told me to act as if I already am that person. It's uncomfortable at first--I feel like a kid playing dress-up. But it does work. By the end of the day, after "forcing" myself into the role, I start to take on that role--after all, the "role" is merely the person I want to be. Wear the mask long enough, and it starts to become a part of you.
So today, after the worst binge last night (a "real" binge, rather then my usual over-eating that my panicking mind tends to classify as a binge), after 5 hours of sleep (stayed up late writing/crying over the still unfinished outline of my paper)...the only thing I wanted was to curl up somewhere (perferable in bed) and pretend that I don't exist.
Instead, I gave myself a half-day off from classes (we get 2 "free" cuts--today is my first), I pushed off the editing until tonight, and I'm giving myself a break from the paper (which isn't due for another month) until Wednesday, when I'm meeting with my profs. Perhaps he can clarify some of these difficult concepts.
I was still tempted to curl up under the covers in my comfyest flannel pj's (turning the a/c down to 68 so I don't sweat to death) and feel sorry for myself.
Instead, I'm going out for a walk. I'm taking 2 books--one that I have to read for class, and one that I picked up for myself--and I'm going to a coffeeshop. I dug out a silver miniskirt (cute, but still respectable) and silk, feminine top. I eyed my heeled sandals, then imagined myself negotating the stairs--and went for more managable pair of flats.
I feel like a kid, playing dress-up. The reflection in the mirror suggests a girl who feels pretty and confident, who welcomes attention (but not too much of it)--the opposite of how I really feel.
But maybe, by the end of the day, these clothes will seem a more familiar--maybe I'll be more at home in my own skin.
Act if I'm already there...and I'll get there someday.