I was browsing through a friend's page a few minutes ago, and checked out his friend's page. He only has one other friend listed--and she (as I already knew) is definitely not on recovery
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I never know how to reply when you write these long emails.
But they help--immensely. When I logged on last night and saw your reply, it really helped me get past the last bit of that irrational voice (that voice doesn't stay away, but I have to strength not to act on it this time).
"I think that sick sense of perfection drives our EDs a lot. There are so many levels to be perfect on...academically,with boys, families, friends, looks, etc. At the time, I couldn't live with myself if i even lacked one of those bits of perfection. As time went on, and I began therapy, i began to see the reality."
*thinks* I think I'm making it a self-fullingly prophecy--because I'm afraid I can't live myself if I'm imperfect, I refuse to accept myself--and thus, I turn that fear into reality. This is self-imposed...and I'm the only one that I can lift these restrictions. I feel so foolish, at times. I know what i should do, what I need to do...that my fear of doing it is irrational--but that fear FEELS real, and during the worst moments of the ED, the feelings (of fear from not obeying the ED voice) overwhelms that rational understanding.
"the universe tends towards a constant state of disorder, entropy, as newton's second law states. For me, this idea of not having control scared the hell out of me, but slowly, i've began to see that it's not really as catastrophic of a concept as it may seem. We can still be happy and at peace, even if we don't have total control over our worlds."
I'm trying to believe that. I already know it's true--believing it to be true for me is a much harder task.
"Every ED person thinks they are invincible...that other people are sicker, thinner, etc than they are, when is entirely not true."
Bitingly accurate and well-put. No matter how much we toot the statistics, it doesn't feel REAL. It's hard to realize that my body is subject to those statistics as well--that my body is a body, and not a mortal enemy that I must beat into submission.
But they help--immensely. When I logged on last night and saw your reply, it really helped me get past the last bit of that irrational voice (that voice doesn't stay away, but I have to strength not to act on it this time).
"I think that sick sense of perfection drives our EDs a lot. There are so many levels to be perfect on...academically,with boys, families, friends, looks, etc. At the time, I couldn't live with myself if i even lacked one of those bits of perfection. As time went on, and I began therapy, i began to see the reality."
*thinks* I think I'm making it a self-fullingly prophecy--because I'm afraid I can't live myself if I'm imperfect, I refuse to accept myself--and thus, I turn that fear into reality. This is self-imposed...and I'm the only one that I can lift these restrictions. I feel so foolish, at times. I know what i should do, what I need to do...that my fear of doing it is irrational--but that fear FEELS real, and during the worst moments of the ED, the feelings (of fear from not obeying the ED voice) overwhelms that rational understanding.
"the universe tends towards a constant state of disorder, entropy, as newton's second law states. For me, this idea of not having control scared the hell out of me, but slowly, i've began to see that it's not really as catastrophic of a concept as it may seem. We can still be happy and at peace, even if we don't have total control over our worlds."
I'm trying to believe that. I already know it's true--believing it to be true for me is a much harder task.
"Every ED person thinks they are invincible...that other people are sicker, thinner, etc than they are, when is entirely not true."
Bitingly accurate and well-put. No matter how much we toot the statistics, it doesn't feel REAL. It's hard to realize that my body is subject to those statistics as well--that my body is a body, and not a mortal enemy that I must beat into submission.
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