It sounds like you have OS much going on,and it's just stressing you out beyond the point that anyone could handle in a healthy manner YOu know how I feel about purging. It is effective initially,but then comes to bite you in the ass because you are stuck in such an addictive cycle. Most of the owmen I know who were bulimic are overweight--I never really binged, so my weight is still pretty normal. But it does major shit with your metabolism, and is so insidious to your body....a body that is already weak from all this other ED beavhior.
Just be careful. Because it's probably the most addictive behavior of them all--and the lows are HORRIBLE. I want you to be happy, girl, you deserve that more than anything else. I don't know how to stop you--only you cna do that.
Thank you. I know that this has to stop. I just...I just don't know how. I think I've teetered close to bulimia for most of my ED--probably since the anorexia became COE, 6 months into it (nearly 5 years ago). The only thing that stopped me from becoming bulimic at the time was running. Even eating insane number of calories, running kept my weight gain to a mininum (min. being 30 lbs, which was still a lot). That, and I was terrified of being found out.
In some ways, I was bulimic--lots of exercising (sometimes 10 miles or more in one day) to make up for the binges...days of eating very, very little (again, to compensate)--throwing up isn't the only form of purging.
But it's the most violent, the most damaging...and it blatantly crosses that LINE that I told myself i'd never touch.
I've thought about purging before. I've come very, VERY close, but never actually done so just because I was SO afraid of becoming bulimic and then my mom finding out (because I am still sure that eventually someone would find out, and I believed that I couldn't deal with the shame I would feel at having an ED). I was also afraid of all the harmful physical effects that I knew would come with bulimia. So, even though my fears have hurt me in some ways, at least they've also saved me sometimes
( ... )
"So you might be developing another ED. Really, though, it doesn't matter how many you have, because they're all symptoms of the same problem. It probably doesn't matter in the end HOW you're hurting yourself--just that you are."
That's really what I needed to hear. I know this already--but I needed the reminder. Bulimia is hell--and there's a stronger stigma attached to it then to anorexia (but I've been through COE, which is hardly any better)...but it's the same root cause. Different face, same "person."
It happened again. I called Adrian. It didn't go well, to put it mildly.
Went back to the kitchen, went through 2 boxes of frozen dinners. The last one were still half-frozen. I can't even tell you what they were. Italian something.
Went to the bathroom. Wasn't even digusted this time...not with the surroundings, at least.
It's as if I've been waiting to purge, all this time. Searching for that outlet--and I've finally found it (even though I know how wrong, how awful this is)...there was always this dam of emotion within me...and I've just tapped on some hidden opening...and now, I can't stop.
I can't deal with the guilt...with the hatred...with all the emotions that are so twisted inside that I can't tell one from another, the source from the outlet.
Must stop. At this point, I think I have a better chance of achieving world peace then stopping this.
hey hon, This is my cell phone number if you need to talk. I'm happy to chat with you at any time (I don't sleep much). 412-680-0349...I have free nights/weekends...
God, I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, and I want more than anything to be able to stop you from taking the road that I went on.
one thing is that you shouldn't be so ashamed--there are so many other women in your position. Did you know that 50% of anorexics become bulimic? (or at least purging anorexics) I definitely fit into that catagory, and it sucks muchly. Yet, you are not alone.
You should take a deep breath, journal a lot, and just try sorting out the events, piece by piece. That mihgt help you get over some of this panic.
Thank you I jolted down your phone number. If you're uncomfortable with having it posted here, I'll "screen" this comment--just let me know.
(mine, btw, is 574-634-1002, at least until August 6th when I leave summer school)
I really wish I could call now...but I have a roomate, and no cell phone--so I can't talk freely while she's sleeping (she's a light sleeper). Thanks a LOT for the offer--I'll probably take it up sometime in the too-near future.
I'm writing like mad. Writing gives me a way to look at the situation--distance myself from it by analyzing it. Enough room to be objective...enough room not to ring to the kitchen/bathroom the next time the madness starts.
I didn't reply to your ed_recovery post, because in it you asked how to stop purging, and to be honest - I have no answers for you. It took having to go into ip for me - once I started I couldn't stop and eventually the only way for me to stop was to be in a 24 hour program
( ... )
Before I started purging I was very enticed by the idea of throwing up after eating too much, and because of that I was TERRIFIED of doing it. But eventually, like you I broke down and did it. I told myself I wouldn't do it again, but I did...and I just couldn't stop myself from continuing to do it. I really hope this doesn't happen to you! Although this was long before I was in therapy, so maybe you'll be able to work through it somehow?
I guess I was always an on-and-off purger. I purged all the time through excessive exercise, but actually puking only occurred at various periods in time. Last fall, after a year and several months of recovery with no puking, I just went and did it. I still don't exactly know why. I felt so stupid after, though.
I know it is different for you because it's opening a door you hadn't been through before, but if you can work through what triggered it you may actually end up stronger with your recovery.
"I know it is different for you because it's opening a door you hadn't been through before, but if you can work through what triggered it you may actually end up stronger with your recovery."
Very true. I'm trying to hang on to that--what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Comments 20
It sounds like you have OS much going on,and it's just stressing you out beyond the point that anyone could handle in a healthy manner YOu know how I feel about purging. It is effective initially,but then comes to bite you in the ass because you are stuck in such an addictive cycle. Most of the owmen I know who were bulimic are overweight--I never really binged, so my weight is still pretty normal. But it does major shit with your metabolism, and is so insidious to your body....a body that is already weak from all this other ED beavhior.
Just be careful. Because it's probably the most addictive behavior of them all--and the lows are HORRIBLE. I want you to be happy, girl, you deserve that more than anything else. I don't know how to stop you--only you cna do that.
Love you.
Reply
Thank you.
I know that this has to stop.
I just...I just don't know how.
I think I've teetered close to bulimia for most of my ED--probably since the anorexia became COE, 6 months into it (nearly 5 years ago). The only thing that stopped me from becoming bulimic at the time was running. Even eating insane number of calories, running kept my weight gain to a mininum (min. being 30 lbs, which was still a lot). That, and I was terrified of being found out.
In some ways, I was bulimic--lots of exercising (sometimes 10 miles or more in one day) to make up for the binges...days of eating very, very little (again, to compensate)--throwing up isn't the only form of purging.
But it's the most violent, the most damaging...and it blatantly crosses that LINE that I told myself i'd never touch.
Reply
Reply
That's really what I needed to hear. I know this already--but I needed the reminder. Bulimia is hell--and there's a stronger stigma attached to it then to anorexia (but I've been through COE, which is hardly any better)...but it's the same root cause. Different face, same "person."
Thank you
Reply
It happened again.
I called Adrian. It didn't go well, to put it mildly.
Went back to the kitchen, went through 2 boxes of frozen dinners. The last one were still half-frozen. I can't even tell you what they were. Italian something.
Went to the bathroom. Wasn't even digusted this time...not with the surroundings, at least.
It's as if I've been waiting to purge, all this time. Searching for that outlet--and I've finally found it (even though I know how wrong, how awful this is)...there was always this dam of emotion within me...and I've just tapped on some hidden opening...and now, I can't stop.
I can't deal with the guilt...with the hatred...with all the emotions that are so twisted inside that I can't tell one from another, the source from the outlet.
Must stop.
At this point, I think I have a better chance of achieving world peace then stopping this.
Reply
God, I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, and I want more than anything to be able to stop you from taking the road that I went on.
one thing is that you shouldn't be so ashamed--there are so many other women in your position. Did you know that 50% of anorexics become bulimic? (or at least purging anorexics) I definitely fit into that catagory, and it sucks muchly. Yet, you are not alone.
You should take a deep breath, journal a lot, and just try sorting out the events, piece by piece. That mihgt help you get over some of this panic.
You're in my thoughts, and def call anytime.
Reply
I jolted down your phone number. If you're uncomfortable with having it posted here, I'll "screen" this comment--just let me know.
(mine, btw, is 574-634-1002, at least until August 6th when I leave summer school)
I really wish I could call now...but I have a roomate, and no cell phone--so I can't talk freely while she's sleeping (she's a light sleeper). Thanks a LOT for the offer--I'll probably take it up sometime in the too-near future.
I'm writing like mad. Writing gives me a way to look at the situation--distance myself from it by analyzing it. Enough room to be objective...enough room not to ring to the kitchen/bathroom the next time the madness starts.
Reply
Reply
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I guess I was always an on-and-off purger. I purged all the time through excessive exercise, but actually puking only occurred at various periods in time. Last fall, after a year and several months of recovery with no puking, I just went and did it. I still don't exactly know why. I felt so stupid after, though.
I know it is different for you because it's opening a door you hadn't been through before, but if you can work through what triggered it you may actually end up stronger with your recovery.
Reply
Very true. I'm trying to hang on to that--what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
*grins* and I refuse to let this kill me
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