New icon, new plans
I got a little tired of staring at my own face every time I logged in :) So we get to enjoy penguins for a little while. I stole this from "despair.com"...they have this poster with one of my favorite quotes:
"LIMITATIONS: Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk"
http://www.despair.com/limitations.html
*****
On a slightly different issue, I've been looking for a good plan to go about eating more. Oddly enough (or maybe not--it certainly seemed odd to me), I lost weight this morning, despite eating more last night. I was hungry, and for once, didn't ignore my body's pleas for food. I grabbed a few slices of wheat bread and ate them before going to sleep. Unexpectedly, I woke up lighter than ever--at my lightest in 5 years. I'm torn between ectsacy, guilt, and skepticism...
I don't know how to start eating again. Following set plans only seem to make things worse for me. If I deviate from the plans at all, I panic and start either bingeing or fasting...the two extremes that I'd like to avoid at all costs. Also, I don't feel ready to plunge into recovery--to completely shove aside my will to lose weight. It's the permanency of recovery that scares me. I know that I'll slip up at times...but when I truly commit to recovery, it seems, I can't really turn back and start actively dieting again--rather defeats the purpose. The entire journey feels too daunting even before I begin.
I've given it some thought...and I think I'll start slowly, a few days of experimentation at a time, until the very idea of giving up permanently dieting (which seems so impossible right now) seem less terrifying. For the next 3 days, I'm going to let myself eat whatever I want.
*wry smile* Anorexics, paradoxially, are both terrified of possibilities and crave it. Take away my food (even the rich foods that I won't touch) and I'll panic, because the choice to eat it (or resist eating it) is out of my hands. But at the same time, when I'm restricting, I keep my food limited to a very small variety--"safe" choices. So this sudden mental jump from eating on a very rigid schedule, or choosing from a limited "safe" list...to suddenly eating whatever I want, whenever I want, is huge--hence, the relatively short 3-day period.
The key word here is want. I can't tell you how many times I've binged on food that I never tasted, never really desired...binged, unexpliciably, to fulfill a craving for something entirely separate from food...
I'll have to start answering a basic question that I've avoided (perhaps intended to avoid): What do I really want? We all know that it's not just about food. I don't binge because I'm craving a piece of chocolate (in which the logical conclusion is to eat what I'm craving), but because I'm stressed out about the paper, my parents, my life...etc. I restrict and I binge to deal with my emotions.
It's a tall order. Hence, three days. Every time I reach for food, I'm going to ask that question: What do I really want? Attention? Affection? Stress management? Put down the brownie. One really luscious brownie? Hand me the fork.
"LIMITATIONS: Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk"
http://www.despair.com/limitations.html
*****
On a slightly different issue, I've been looking for a good plan to go about eating more. Oddly enough (or maybe not--it certainly seemed odd to me), I lost weight this morning, despite eating more last night. I was hungry, and for once, didn't ignore my body's pleas for food. I grabbed a few slices of wheat bread and ate them before going to sleep. Unexpectedly, I woke up lighter than ever--at my lightest in 5 years. I'm torn between ectsacy, guilt, and skepticism...
I don't know how to start eating again. Following set plans only seem to make things worse for me. If I deviate from the plans at all, I panic and start either bingeing or fasting...the two extremes that I'd like to avoid at all costs. Also, I don't feel ready to plunge into recovery--to completely shove aside my will to lose weight. It's the permanency of recovery that scares me. I know that I'll slip up at times...but when I truly commit to recovery, it seems, I can't really turn back and start actively dieting again--rather defeats the purpose. The entire journey feels too daunting even before I begin.
I've given it some thought...and I think I'll start slowly, a few days of experimentation at a time, until the very idea of giving up permanently dieting (which seems so impossible right now) seem less terrifying. For the next 3 days, I'm going to let myself eat whatever I want.
*wry smile* Anorexics, paradoxially, are both terrified of possibilities and crave it. Take away my food (even the rich foods that I won't touch) and I'll panic, because the choice to eat it (or resist eating it) is out of my hands. But at the same time, when I'm restricting, I keep my food limited to a very small variety--"safe" choices. So this sudden mental jump from eating on a very rigid schedule, or choosing from a limited "safe" list...to suddenly eating whatever I want, whenever I want, is huge--hence, the relatively short 3-day period.
The key word here is want. I can't tell you how many times I've binged on food that I never tasted, never really desired...binged, unexpliciably, to fulfill a craving for something entirely separate from food...
I'll have to start answering a basic question that I've avoided (perhaps intended to avoid): What do I really want? We all know that it's not just about food. I don't binge because I'm craving a piece of chocolate (in which the logical conclusion is to eat what I'm craving), but because I'm stressed out about the paper, my parents, my life...etc. I restrict and I binge to deal with my emotions.
It's a tall order. Hence, three days. Every time I reach for food, I'm going to ask that question: What do I really want? Attention? Affection? Stress management? Put down the brownie. One really luscious brownie? Hand me the fork.