Confessions

[saddest_smile]

Hidden under an lj-cut, because it might be triggering.

Comments

[acrolinz]

I've been sorta obsessed with the Mary-Kate thing too 0:)

[saddest_smile]

:(

It's awful...

[sephirah3]

I have had the same issue with recovery. As you may have read in my journal, I've had anorexia and bulimia. As a result, I got quite small, yet still what would be considered healthy for my height. With re-feeding and the return of bulimic tendencies, I put on over 2 years 44lbs. Which made me overweight, and still not recovered. At the beginning of this year, I made the effort to start losing weight again, the EDs haven't really gone away but I am losing the weight now. Snails pace currently though... I've lost about 30lbs but I still want to lose more of course. I don't believe I can be healthy until my head is right, my head won't be right though until I see the numbers on the scale low enough. Sure, I'm not going to be underweight, don't get me wrong, but I want to be less than I am now. I don't know if any of this makes any sense but please know that someone out there understands what you're going through.

Take care sweet,

Michelle

[saddest_smile]

*hugs*

You should like me.
I had two reactions as I was reading through your journal. On the one hand, I wanted to say, "But...but...you shouldn't be trying to lose weight!" On the other hand, I completely understand and empathize.

I think those are the same two reactions that I have towards myself. I know I should...and I know that I know that I shouldn't (confusing?), but it's still there.

Thank you for answering.

[blue_angel999]

The Mary-Kate thing has the same effect on me. I'll be in recovery two years next month. It took a lot of effort not to go buy all the magazins with articles on her last week.

[saddest_smile]

*nods* I didn't buy them (I never do), but I did flip through all of them. I'm making an effort to avoid all women's/entertainment/fitness/fashion magazines. It's tempting, but too triggering for me. I start to compare myself to the models...

And between the model's genetics, starvation diets, the air-brushing, and the wistful thinking, I always fall short on the comparison

[arwen8]

And all those models get more and more thin... its so awfull. They haven't been that thin when i got bulimic in 1982/1983... and i remember cutting the pictures of all those models out of the papers and i created collages with them... but today there are scary skinny.... scary skinny only. Its so awfull...

[saddest_smile]

In a way, it's awful--but it's also helpful.

Models now are SO scary thin that even I see them as being scary. I see what I DON'T want to be when I look at them.

But on the other hand, I've made a good headway into recovery. There are still many women (and men) who hold these even more emanciated images as the ideal...

[tulip_fever]

I'm going to add you to my friends with, and I'm perfectly allright if you don't add me to yours. I just think that your entries have some really compelling thoughts that speak to me. I'm not anorexic, but I'm pretty sure I do have coe. But lots of the things I see in your blog are things that are characteristic of me, or were in the past (perfectionistic tendencies, doing really well in school but feeling like a fake, fear of failure). Anyways, good luck on your recovery.

[saddest_smile]

Thank you. i've added you, and left a comment on one of your entries.

Anorexia, COE, bulima are often different faces of the same disorder--many, probably most ED patients I know have suffered more than one of them at various times.

Good luck with your recovery as well...