(no subject)
It's hard to make myself update when things aren't going well...when I feel crappy, as if I have nothing to contribute.
Keeping up the resemblance of "have-it-all-together" has always been my strongest defense mechanism. If I look tough enough, maybe no one will challenge me...and thus, no one would discover how fragile I really am.
It doesn't work, of course...not for those closest to me.
But the habit of not showing weakness...or admitting only to superfacial weaknesses is deeply engrained. I pour out my sins to my private journal, but like confessions...it's hard to admit to larger, though caring audience.
I do have to stop being so damned self-reliant...I don't consider those who turn to me for help as weak--why should I condemn the same action from myself?
Enough of the prelude.
I haven't been doing well. I'm eating more--correction--I'm "bingeing" more. I put it in quotes because in terms of caloric amounts, it's not that much...but in terms of how I feel...the out-of-control, the eating without tasting...it's very much like a binge. I'm see-sawing between days of eating less than 500, and days of eating 500 in one sitting...
*sighs* When my stomach feels full, my mind...flees. I can't deal with...anything. Literally, anything. I feel too ashamed of myself to allow the usual pleasures--a warm shower, sleeping, a good book...but I'm too caught in that same guilt to carry on with my day. My world stops, almost literally, when I feel full. All I can do is plan on how I'm not going to eat...or I'd eat less...or...
It never works.
But I never learn.
Keeping up the resemblance of "have-it-all-together" has always been my strongest defense mechanism. If I look tough enough, maybe no one will challenge me...and thus, no one would discover how fragile I really am.
It doesn't work, of course...not for those closest to me.
But the habit of not showing weakness...or admitting only to superfacial weaknesses is deeply engrained. I pour out my sins to my private journal, but like confessions...it's hard to admit to larger, though caring audience.
I do have to stop being so damned self-reliant...I don't consider those who turn to me for help as weak--why should I condemn the same action from myself?
Enough of the prelude.
I haven't been doing well. I'm eating more--correction--I'm "bingeing" more. I put it in quotes because in terms of caloric amounts, it's not that much...but in terms of how I feel...the out-of-control, the eating without tasting...it's very much like a binge. I'm see-sawing between days of eating less than 500, and days of eating 500 in one sitting...
*sighs* When my stomach feels full, my mind...flees. I can't deal with...anything. Literally, anything. I feel too ashamed of myself to allow the usual pleasures--a warm shower, sleeping, a good book...but I'm too caught in that same guilt to carry on with my day. My world stops, almost literally, when I feel full. All I can do is plan on how I'm not going to eat...or I'd eat less...or...
It never works.
But I never learn.