adventures in horror films
Tonight, I headed over to the Js' apartment for good company and lazy hanging out. Because JFo is a CRAZY HOLIDAY LOVING CRAZY PERSON*, she decreed that we needed to watch a horror film in honor of Halloween.
While I am not actually a big fan of the genre (I'm a wimp and I don't like gore and the tension drives me CRAZY), I agreed because I am an Awesome Person Like That. At least horror movies have easy criteria- pick the one that's the best combination of the following factors:
1- Length (shorter is better!)
2- Nothing below R
3- If it doesn't have nudity, I'm not interested
4- Needs a human (or human-esque) villain- killer animals just don't do it for me
Based on those factors and the choices available via Comcast On Demand, we settled easily on Hatchet. It was
1- 85 minutes long!
2- rated R
3- Boobs aplenty!
4- The villain was supposed to be some sort of serial killing, possibly supernatural, dude- we found out in the course of the film that he was ALSO born hideously deformed and raised in the swamps of Louisiana!
WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE.
Of course, the problem with watching bad horror movies is that they are actually BAD MOVIES. There were oodles of strange and pointless scenes that went nowhere, but had to be kept because you can't really have a full-length film under 85 minutes. The score was HILARIOUS- one minute, it seemed like we were in a Disney adventure flick from the 70s, then it was a hillbilly hoedown, then it was standard horror music of DOOM. Being a wimp, I can't really comment on the gore, but the ending? The ending had us GAPING AT THE TV SCREEN, frozen in some mix of horror, disbelief, and UTTER AMUSEMENT. Because the film was set outside New Orleans, there were plenty of absurdities abounding in its portrayal of Louisiana- the first and most obvious being that, HELLO. If you are in a SWAMP at NIGHT, YOU WILL BE EATEN ALIVE by mosquitoes- and yet, the scantily clad women seemed utterly at ease (when not being chased by a crazed killer, obvs). Also, the main character was surprisingly tall, thin, and geeky- not to discredit the actor, but I definitely get why Jared packed on the muscle for Friday the 13th. (easy solution to the badness of the movie- NEEDS MORE PADALECKI. I just started pretending the lead WAS Jared and pictured him in the part during every scene)
It was EPICALLY AWESOME. MAGICALLY DELICIOUS. SO BAD IT WAS GOOD.
That's DEFINITELY a fine way to spend a Saturday night, IMO. :)
* Her real love is Christmas- I threaten her repeatedly that one day, in the not-too-distant future, she will basically be like the pagan goddess in 'A Very Supernatural Christmas.' As soon as I find a Christmas sweater terrible enough, I am buying it for her, and she is TOTALLY WEARING IT.
While I am not actually a big fan of the genre (I'm a wimp and I don't like gore and the tension drives me CRAZY), I agreed because I am an Awesome Person Like That. At least horror movies have easy criteria- pick the one that's the best combination of the following factors:
1- Length (shorter is better!)
2- Nothing below R
3- If it doesn't have nudity, I'm not interested
4- Needs a human (or human-esque) villain- killer animals just don't do it for me
Based on those factors and the choices available via Comcast On Demand, we settled easily on Hatchet. It was
1- 85 minutes long!
2- rated R
3- Boobs aplenty!
4- The villain was supposed to be some sort of serial killing, possibly supernatural, dude- we found out in the course of the film that he was ALSO born hideously deformed and raised in the swamps of Louisiana!
WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE.
Of course, the problem with watching bad horror movies is that they are actually BAD MOVIES. There were oodles of strange and pointless scenes that went nowhere, but had to be kept because you can't really have a full-length film under 85 minutes. The score was HILARIOUS- one minute, it seemed like we were in a Disney adventure flick from the 70s, then it was a hillbilly hoedown, then it was standard horror music of DOOM. Being a wimp, I can't really comment on the gore, but the ending? The ending had us GAPING AT THE TV SCREEN, frozen in some mix of horror, disbelief, and UTTER AMUSEMENT. Because the film was set outside New Orleans, there were plenty of absurdities abounding in its portrayal of Louisiana- the first and most obvious being that, HELLO. If you are in a SWAMP at NIGHT, YOU WILL BE EATEN ALIVE by mosquitoes- and yet, the scantily clad women seemed utterly at ease (when not being chased by a crazed killer, obvs). Also, the main character was surprisingly tall, thin, and geeky- not to discredit the actor, but I definitely get why Jared packed on the muscle for Friday the 13th. (easy solution to the badness of the movie- NEEDS MORE PADALECKI. I just started pretending the lead WAS Jared and pictured him in the part during every scene)
It was EPICALLY AWESOME. MAGICALLY DELICIOUS. SO BAD IT WAS GOOD.
That's DEFINITELY a fine way to spend a Saturday night, IMO. :)
* Her real love is Christmas- I threaten her repeatedly that one day, in the not-too-distant future, she will basically be like the pagan goddess in 'A Very Supernatural Christmas.' As soon as I find a Christmas sweater terrible enough, I am buying it for her, and she is TOTALLY WEARING IT.