Losing Myself....
If your looking for a friendly happy-go-lucky post from me...you will NOT find one here!
I'm losing myself....
I've lost my life of freedom and independance and it's killing me...
I also can't explain why but Ever since I've come home I don't want to listen to any Japaanese music or watch Japanese dramas...nothing....I think I might be depressed...
I'm not sure...maybe I'm avoiding it all because I'm still upset...
And my mom said that I have to "dis-associate" myself from Japan/Japanese things since when I talk it's always about Japan...
It just feels like a whole that was FINALLY filled was instantly emptied...AGAIN!
As clique as that sounds, I don't care!
I applied to schools here in Toronto so in 4 years I can have my B.A maybe but I think even that is an out-of-reach dream...
If I don't get accepted for College/university or OSAP then I will not be able to go to school and all my dreams will go up in flames
I haven't watched a single SMAPxSMAP episode ...and we all know how MUCH I loved SMAP before I left...They were beginning to replace KAT_TUN dammit and now I don't want to watch them...I make up some excuse!
And Cartoon KAT-TUN...let's not even go there! That's even MORE worse off tan SMAPxSMAP!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
HONESTLY!!!
I also miss my best friend!
She was there everyday and maybe I just didnt appreciate her like I should have...
Sorry...for the fights and the unpleasant times...but I can't thank you enough for all the times we shared happily in that room...and in that city....
I feel so lonely now that I'm here and I wish I could just call you like I used to and hang out in downtown er something...
I also miss hearing" oh kuuuuri" everyday from another special person!
I'm also fearing that even if I go to school and do all this...in 4 years will there be anyone really waiting for me?
Will everyone I knew and loved be gone and moved on with their life?
I just smile and act like nothing is bothering me so that my family thinks I'm over the whole moving back thing....becuz I can't talk to them...
I fought with my mom recently and she said "don't take out the fact that your unhappy and that you had to move back here out on me! Move out! i don't want you here!" and this is another reason why I feel at a loss....
What has happened to me....
I'm losing myself....
I've lost my life of freedom and independance and it's killing me...
I also can't explain why but Ever since I've come home I don't want to listen to any Japaanese music or watch Japanese dramas...nothing....I think I might be depressed...
I'm not sure...maybe I'm avoiding it all because I'm still upset...
And my mom said that I have to "dis-associate" myself from Japan/Japanese things since when I talk it's always about Japan...
It just feels like a whole that was FINALLY filled was instantly emptied...AGAIN!
As clique as that sounds, I don't care!
I applied to schools here in Toronto so in 4 years I can have my B.A maybe but I think even that is an out-of-reach dream...
If I don't get accepted for College/university or OSAP then I will not be able to go to school and all my dreams will go up in flames
I haven't watched a single SMAPxSMAP episode ...and we all know how MUCH I loved SMAP before I left...They were beginning to replace KAT_TUN dammit and now I don't want to watch them...I make up some excuse!
And Cartoon KAT-TUN...let's not even go there! That's even MORE worse off tan SMAPxSMAP!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
HONESTLY!!!
I also miss my best friend!
She was there everyday and maybe I just didnt appreciate her like I should have...
Sorry...for the fights and the unpleasant times...but I can't thank you enough for all the times we shared happily in that room...and in that city....
I feel so lonely now that I'm here and I wish I could just call you like I used to and hang out in downtown er something...
I also miss hearing" oh kuuuuri" everyday from another special person!
I'm also fearing that even if I go to school and do all this...in 4 years will there be anyone really waiting for me?
Will everyone I knew and loved be gone and moved on with their life?
I just smile and act like nothing is bothering me so that my family thinks I'm over the whole moving back thing....becuz I can't talk to them...
I fought with my mom recently and she said "don't take out the fact that your unhappy and that you had to move back here out on me! Move out! i don't want you here!" and this is another reason why I feel at a loss....
What has happened to me....