(no subject)
I am unhappy with my life. In fact, I hate it. There are so many people that I wish would just die and they won't and it makes me even more angry. I want to be single, too. It's not that I'm unhappy in my relationship, it's more that I'm not happy. And it's not like I have other guys in mind when I say I want to be single. When I say I want to be single, I mean I WANT TO BE SINGLE. NO MEN! No stupid boyfriend, no stupid girlfriend, just single. Alone. I want to be alone. I want my friends and that's it. I don't want to have to worry about other people. I don't want any burdens and that is all being in a relationship is doing to me. I have to watch what I do, what I say, I have to answer to somebody and I hate it. I want out! Maybe I'm just selfish. Yep, I'm sure that's it. I'm a selfish piece of shit. I don't want to care about anyone else. At all. I want my friends and some of my family, but I don't want to care. I don't want to care about anything anymore. Caring about people has only caused me pain. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to move away from everyone and everything and start my life over. I know that's weird of me to say since I've only lived 17 years. I don't care. If I were to die right now, I feel that I have lived enough. I only have two things I want to do before I die. 1. See Tool in concert. 2. Go skydiving. That's it. Once I've done those two things I don't care if I die. In fact, I'd prefer it if I could die as soon as I've accomplished those two things. No, I'm not depressed, I'm just unhappy with my life. Nothing is going the way I want it to go. I'm sick of never having things go the way I want to go. Maybe that's why I'm selfish, I'm trying to make things go my way by being selfish, but it's not working. When will people realize that I'm a fucked up, selfish, piece of shit and decide never to talk to me again? I'm just waiting for the day when all my friends are like, "Fuck you!" and never speak to me again. Why would anyone want to talk to me anyways? I'm a seriously fucked up person and I don't deserve anything good. Maybe that's why my life is going the way it is. I don't deserve to be happy because I'm so fucked up. I might as well just kill myself now and get it over with. Ugh...if I was at home I'd be cutting right now, and vent that way, instead of bitching AGAIN. I need to cry. I need to cut. I need to be alone. I don't need anyone, or anything. I need to cease to exist. I wish I could wake up from all of this and find happiness and peace. Will I ever be truly happy? Will I ever find peace with myself? I guess I need to do those two things before I die too. However, just dying would be a heck of a lot simpler. I think I just realized something. I can't die until I've found true happiness and peace. However, I don't think I ever will have those two things. EVER. I'm too fucked up to get either one of those things. Maybe something will happen and I'll change, again, and be able to achieve those things. Let's hope so.