Yeah, its been a while.
Don't really know where else to go to write this. I could start a new blog, but what'd be the point?
I'm scared. Of everything. Well, of FEELING things. I'm scared of letting people in, for fear that they'll reject me. By that same token, I stop caring about other people, so that I won't get hurt. No, thats not the same thing. I thought it was, and just figured this out over the past couple of days.
So I'm trying. Trying to open myself to other people, both in terms of who I care about, but who I let care about me. Which I can't control, but denying them is having a negative effect. The result- possibly the most emotional couple of days. The largest barrier to everything I have is not letting things get serious. I really do use humour to avoid actually facing issues. And to try and drop that charade- which is just what it is, is painful.
I only now realise how much I've hurt some of the people I really care about, and I don't know if I'll be able to make it up. I made a resolution last year, not to apologise, and not to regret. Such bullshit. It works in theory, but I'm not steeled enough to live like that. We all need people, and basically I've let everyone down.
I don't want to open old wounds, but I need to apologise for a lot. The people involved deserve it.
One person in particular. I spent an hour last night building up the courage to apologise. But I choked. I would normally try and hide behind a letter/text/email/song/something, but thats just pure cowardice. And I don't want to be a coward anymore. So it might take me a try or two, but I want to do this in person.
To other people, who I can't see face to face, and who might actually end up reading this- I'm truly sorry. There's no excuse for my behaviour. Running away like a spoilt little child doesn't count as a valid reason.
I'm scared. Of everything. Well, of FEELING things. I'm scared of letting people in, for fear that they'll reject me. By that same token, I stop caring about other people, so that I won't get hurt. No, thats not the same thing. I thought it was, and just figured this out over the past couple of days.
So I'm trying. Trying to open myself to other people, both in terms of who I care about, but who I let care about me. Which I can't control, but denying them is having a negative effect. The result- possibly the most emotional couple of days. The largest barrier to everything I have is not letting things get serious. I really do use humour to avoid actually facing issues. And to try and drop that charade- which is just what it is, is painful.
I only now realise how much I've hurt some of the people I really care about, and I don't know if I'll be able to make it up. I made a resolution last year, not to apologise, and not to regret. Such bullshit. It works in theory, but I'm not steeled enough to live like that. We all need people, and basically I've let everyone down.
I don't want to open old wounds, but I need to apologise for a lot. The people involved deserve it.
One person in particular. I spent an hour last night building up the courage to apologise. But I choked. I would normally try and hide behind a letter/text/email/song/something, but thats just pure cowardice. And I don't want to be a coward anymore. So it might take me a try or two, but I want to do this in person.
To other people, who I can't see face to face, and who might actually end up reading this- I'm truly sorry. There's no excuse for my behaviour. Running away like a spoilt little child doesn't count as a valid reason.