I'm for you.
To you, who may never read this, who will probably not care even if you do.
I'm thinking about you again. It happens quite often, really. I see one thing that reminds me of you, and all of a sudden I'm in a spiral of thoughts that are entirely consumed by nothing but you. There are so many things I wish I could have told you, so many things I still wish to say now.
For one thing, I fucking love you. I always have, even when we were just beginning. I was just too afraid back then to really admit it, not only to you, but to myself. But I've always loved you; you have always been the single most magical person I've ever come across, truly. There is no one that I think about as often as you, as silly as that may come across. We only knew each other for, what, a year and a half? We only dated for three months, only saw each other twice, but you have still impacted and influenced me more than nearly anyone else I have ever come across, and definitely more than anyone else I've ever been in love with. In fact, you're the only one I've been in love with.
Recently, I tried to fall in love with someone, but no matter who it is, I still compare them to you. I was thinking to myself the entire time, oh hey he's 26 and still making a big deal about the age difference, but he's still 2 years younger than the only person I've ever been in love with was while we were dating all those years ago. And no matter who it is, I'm always always always making references to you in my mind. Oh, their lips look like hers, their eyes sparkle in the light just in the same way, hey they're also from New York but not Long Island? I still think of you when I see a pug, or a really large and fluffy cat, or someone with a lip ring, or someone in a black and white striped sweater that looks similar to the one you wore in December, especially if they have a purple shirt on underneath. I still think of you when I see a heartagram, which kind of sucks because I get this pang in my chest every time I see the tattoo on my back, and I still think of you when I see someone with freckles. I stare at the sign for Bauer St every time I pass it until it's far out of sight, and I smile when I notice that someone has no ass because it reminds me of the time you told me that Theons pants were only being held up by his penis.
I still remember the way you smelled, as odd as that sounds to say. But I honestly do; kind of musky, kind of dreamy, and a little bit flowery. The kind of scent that never really leaves you. You had this smile that just lit up your entire face, and I still love the way your eyes crinkled at the edges.
I know that back when we were together, neither of us were really ready for it. We depended on each other too much, far too much, and I was far too fucked up back then to handle anything. And it kills me, because I'm still here thinking about how we could now be together, how we meshed so well back then and would be even better now, and it kills me because I know you moved on a long time ago. It suffocates me, the thoughts that here I am still in love with you, and you probably never loved me to begin with. It's killing me, it really is.
The pictures of you still float through my mind, no matter how long ago I deleted them. I find myself aching to get a charger for my old phone that is no longer usable, just to be able to find your number, just to have it and know that at one point in time, I had a connection to you. I just. I miss you. I hole myself up in my room every November 28th, find myself staring at that card I got notifying me of my grandmothers death, remember how it was that one little thing that started everything for us. I try to forget everything that ended us, though sometimes I admit, it's hard. Because no matter what, I still feel this inward tug pulling me to you.
I'm so terrified to use my Theon mood theme, even though I so desperately want to, because I know that I stole a few of them from you and if I were to see them, everything would just shove its way back into my mind and it would just hurt far too much and far too frequently. I still can't listen to October by Evanescence without feeling my chest cave in or burst out, and just. Everything reminds me of you, still, to this day, even after all these years.
Honestly, I'm not sure of the point of this entry. Maybe a part of me is hoping that you will see it and finally say something to me. I'm not expecting anything, but there's still some small part of me that can't help but hope.
I love you. Always have, always will. I will forever be your heila, even if you are no longer my hunaja. But I guess that's how those first loves usually go, huh?
I'm thinking about you again. It happens quite often, really. I see one thing that reminds me of you, and all of a sudden I'm in a spiral of thoughts that are entirely consumed by nothing but you. There are so many things I wish I could have told you, so many things I still wish to say now.
For one thing, I fucking love you. I always have, even when we were just beginning. I was just too afraid back then to really admit it, not only to you, but to myself. But I've always loved you; you have always been the single most magical person I've ever come across, truly. There is no one that I think about as often as you, as silly as that may come across. We only knew each other for, what, a year and a half? We only dated for three months, only saw each other twice, but you have still impacted and influenced me more than nearly anyone else I have ever come across, and definitely more than anyone else I've ever been in love with. In fact, you're the only one I've been in love with.
Recently, I tried to fall in love with someone, but no matter who it is, I still compare them to you. I was thinking to myself the entire time, oh hey he's 26 and still making a big deal about the age difference, but he's still 2 years younger than the only person I've ever been in love with was while we were dating all those years ago. And no matter who it is, I'm always always always making references to you in my mind. Oh, their lips look like hers, their eyes sparkle in the light just in the same way, hey they're also from New York but not Long Island? I still think of you when I see a pug, or a really large and fluffy cat, or someone with a lip ring, or someone in a black and white striped sweater that looks similar to the one you wore in December, especially if they have a purple shirt on underneath. I still think of you when I see a heartagram, which kind of sucks because I get this pang in my chest every time I see the tattoo on my back, and I still think of you when I see someone with freckles. I stare at the sign for Bauer St every time I pass it until it's far out of sight, and I smile when I notice that someone has no ass because it reminds me of the time you told me that Theons pants were only being held up by his penis.
I still remember the way you smelled, as odd as that sounds to say. But I honestly do; kind of musky, kind of dreamy, and a little bit flowery. The kind of scent that never really leaves you. You had this smile that just lit up your entire face, and I still love the way your eyes crinkled at the edges.
I know that back when we were together, neither of us were really ready for it. We depended on each other too much, far too much, and I was far too fucked up back then to handle anything. And it kills me, because I'm still here thinking about how we could now be together, how we meshed so well back then and would be even better now, and it kills me because I know you moved on a long time ago. It suffocates me, the thoughts that here I am still in love with you, and you probably never loved me to begin with. It's killing me, it really is.
The pictures of you still float through my mind, no matter how long ago I deleted them. I find myself aching to get a charger for my old phone that is no longer usable, just to be able to find your number, just to have it and know that at one point in time, I had a connection to you. I just. I miss you. I hole myself up in my room every November 28th, find myself staring at that card I got notifying me of my grandmothers death, remember how it was that one little thing that started everything for us. I try to forget everything that ended us, though sometimes I admit, it's hard. Because no matter what, I still feel this inward tug pulling me to you.
I'm so terrified to use my Theon mood theme, even though I so desperately want to, because I know that I stole a few of them from you and if I were to see them, everything would just shove its way back into my mind and it would just hurt far too much and far too frequently. I still can't listen to October by Evanescence without feeling my chest cave in or burst out, and just. Everything reminds me of you, still, to this day, even after all these years.
Honestly, I'm not sure of the point of this entry. Maybe a part of me is hoping that you will see it and finally say something to me. I'm not expecting anything, but there's still some small part of me that can't help but hope.
I love you. Always have, always will. I will forever be your heila, even if you are no longer my hunaja. But I guess that's how those first loves usually go, huh?