(no subject)
It is kind of annoying not knowing if the guys will actually find a house or not. There isn't a lot to rent right now. In the mean time, I'm trying to see if anyone will take over my lease in anticipation to move, and I don't even know if moving will happen or not.
I updated my resume and applied for a job today, but I still don't feel like I've gotten anything done. No homework yet, anyway. I don't have any of that stress terrifying me into getting things done. I could use some good healthy stress rather than being in a state of ecstasy in the afterglow of all sorts of really nice moments with friends. Feeling the support of friends has put me in a good place lately, in a place where I can't really find it in me to be worried about anything, but things are still pretty uncertain in just about every front. I'm not exactly doing fantastic in school, especially my independent studies, and who knows about friends. They could all be sort of transient like. I wonder if I want to move in with them just so I'll be more included. So I'll be there when fun things happen, and I'll be able to contribute to the fun things. I feel useless when I am not contributing. What will this do to my performance in school? It seems like I made the decision that I cared about my social life above anything else, because I actually have one, a community, and thats not something I really had in any other time in my life. Not a group. A group of fun spontaneous people who can just cause fun things to happen wherever they go. And I've made stronger connections with several individuals in this group, and that makes me feel good, but their impermanence makes me nervous.
actually I might change this into saying straight hedonism has become my main care and motivation.
I keep getting the feeling that I'm looking at this all wrong. I'm navigating my world with maps that are completely obsolete. My future and path are looking a little bit more clear to me now. I have some idea what I might major in and what I might do after college. I really like the moments when this doesn't seem so terrifying, but this isn't one of those moments.
It looks like I've found myself in the midst of some stress. Good stress, bad stress, it all comes in the same package. I should probably now throw myself into my homework motivated by the fear of not being truly fulfilled.
I updated my resume and applied for a job today, but I still don't feel like I've gotten anything done. No homework yet, anyway. I don't have any of that stress terrifying me into getting things done. I could use some good healthy stress rather than being in a state of ecstasy in the afterglow of all sorts of really nice moments with friends. Feeling the support of friends has put me in a good place lately, in a place where I can't really find it in me to be worried about anything, but things are still pretty uncertain in just about every front. I'm not exactly doing fantastic in school, especially my independent studies, and who knows about friends. They could all be sort of transient like. I wonder if I want to move in with them just so I'll be more included. So I'll be there when fun things happen, and I'll be able to contribute to the fun things. I feel useless when I am not contributing. What will this do to my performance in school? It seems like I made the decision that I cared about my social life above anything else, because I actually have one, a community, and thats not something I really had in any other time in my life. Not a group. A group of fun spontaneous people who can just cause fun things to happen wherever they go. And I've made stronger connections with several individuals in this group, and that makes me feel good, but their impermanence makes me nervous.
actually I might change this into saying straight hedonism has become my main care and motivation.
I keep getting the feeling that I'm looking at this all wrong. I'm navigating my world with maps that are completely obsolete. My future and path are looking a little bit more clear to me now. I have some idea what I might major in and what I might do after college. I really like the moments when this doesn't seem so terrifying, but this isn't one of those moments.
It looks like I've found myself in the midst of some stress. Good stress, bad stress, it all comes in the same package. I should probably now throw myself into my homework motivated by the fear of not being truly fulfilled.