the battle of knee and brain...aka fuck you knee! (no, fuck you brain!)
Now this just isn't fair. I am up until 3am because I can't sleep because it is far too hard to get comfortable in my knee brace and my leg can't straighten all the way which makes sleeping on my stomach near impossible but I can't do anything else and THEN it has the nerve to wake me up at 6:30 in a hell of a lot of pain and I slowly have to lay there waiting for painkillers to start working and then of course I can't fall back asleep for the same reason I couldn't get to sleep tonight despite how tired I am. I guess thats all I get.
Did I betray my body or did it betray me? I can't tell. Me and my knee could probably argue about this for hours. I expected it to be there for me as I skied down that mountain and it thought I was pushing it too hard. I thought I was helping it heal by getting surgery and it is pissed off at me for allowing a 2 inch screw to be showed through its bone. I expect it to handle the recovery gracefully because I feel like it is its fault I had to do it in the first place and it is so pissed off at me for letting this happen it screams out in pain whenever it is not too drugged up to do so.
We can't just try and get through this together. It has to be a battle. It is me telling my knee that even though it is injured it still has to perform the functions of a normal knee like walking around my house without a crutch and bending enough to get into a bathtub and it of course responds by swelling up like a balloon or shooting out pain signals to the brain for the fun of it. It wants to be left the hell alone and if I didn't have to pee every hour on the hour than maybe I would just leave it the hell alone.
There is no need for a normal life right now, but I don't like not being able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. I guess I have come to expect a certain amount of ease now that I have overcome certain obstacles such as parental guidelines and anxiety. I've learned to include a wide array of things in my comfort zone and I want to partake in them. To a certain extent I can, but I can't really handle the consequences my knee has set for me like pain and limited mobility and overly sore arms from crutching.
Yeah, I complain a hell of a lot about my knee surgery. I know I did last time, too. I was handling it ok for awhile, but pretty much every night has been like this and if I can't sleep in the middle of the summer where there is nothing to stop me from getting 12 hours of sleep, I get pissed off at whatever is stopping me. What other time during the year can I do nothing? (ok... like every weekend)
The annoying thing about this part of the surgery (2 weeks) is that I can tell my knee is doing so well, especially compared to last time. I have a much bigger range of motion than last time. I know how to contract the muscles which took me forever to learn last time. My knee is doing so well, but yet I can still tell it is so far from being normal. It quivers pathetically as I do a straight leg raise. How can it be doing so well but still be so weak and pathetic? It has such a long way to go before it'll be normal but yet I have all these plans for the near future that completely neglect the time it really needs to heal like going to Bumbershoot or moving into my apartment in early September. What'll I do when I find out these things are unrealistic? Will this war just rage on?
In other news... uh... nothing. Well I had a lot of fun at one of Alex's parties the other night. The knee wasn't TOO annoying... but it was annoying.
Did I betray my body or did it betray me? I can't tell. Me and my knee could probably argue about this for hours. I expected it to be there for me as I skied down that mountain and it thought I was pushing it too hard. I thought I was helping it heal by getting surgery and it is pissed off at me for allowing a 2 inch screw to be showed through its bone. I expect it to handle the recovery gracefully because I feel like it is its fault I had to do it in the first place and it is so pissed off at me for letting this happen it screams out in pain whenever it is not too drugged up to do so.
We can't just try and get through this together. It has to be a battle. It is me telling my knee that even though it is injured it still has to perform the functions of a normal knee like walking around my house without a crutch and bending enough to get into a bathtub and it of course responds by swelling up like a balloon or shooting out pain signals to the brain for the fun of it. It wants to be left the hell alone and if I didn't have to pee every hour on the hour than maybe I would just leave it the hell alone.
There is no need for a normal life right now, but I don't like not being able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. I guess I have come to expect a certain amount of ease now that I have overcome certain obstacles such as parental guidelines and anxiety. I've learned to include a wide array of things in my comfort zone and I want to partake in them. To a certain extent I can, but I can't really handle the consequences my knee has set for me like pain and limited mobility and overly sore arms from crutching.
Yeah, I complain a hell of a lot about my knee surgery. I know I did last time, too. I was handling it ok for awhile, but pretty much every night has been like this and if I can't sleep in the middle of the summer where there is nothing to stop me from getting 12 hours of sleep, I get pissed off at whatever is stopping me. What other time during the year can I do nothing? (ok... like every weekend)
The annoying thing about this part of the surgery (2 weeks) is that I can tell my knee is doing so well, especially compared to last time. I have a much bigger range of motion than last time. I know how to contract the muscles which took me forever to learn last time. My knee is doing so well, but yet I can still tell it is so far from being normal. It quivers pathetically as I do a straight leg raise. How can it be doing so well but still be so weak and pathetic? It has such a long way to go before it'll be normal but yet I have all these plans for the near future that completely neglect the time it really needs to heal like going to Bumbershoot or moving into my apartment in early September. What'll I do when I find out these things are unrealistic? Will this war just rage on?
In other news... uh... nothing. Well I had a lot of fun at one of Alex's parties the other night. The knee wasn't TOO annoying... but it was annoying.