(no subject)
Well, I intended to post more but I just can't publish right now guys. I wish that I could but i just can't. there's a bit more under the surface than i would like to bring into the public forum at this time. Not to make everyone worry, I just have a lot on my mind that's not quite sorted out yet. So, please forgive my late posting of my prom entry......
As always, a disclaimer. The opinions and edited statements may not be what you think. Please tread carefully...
Thank you.
4-11-05
Ashley came over today and ate dinner at my house. I picked her up after school and we had Dairy Queen and hung out for a few hours. However, I am behind. Prom was Saturday and it went extraordinarily well.
Dinner was at my house at five and I had picked up Ashley at 4:00. We took pictures, exchanged gifts, and took more pictures. She even kissed me in front of her mom. I was really nervous that she did that but the big beaming smile from her mom was all I needed. When we got to my house, dinner ended up starting around five-forty: steak, Benihana fried rice, Caesar salad, and cheesecake with real strawberry dressing. It was great although most people didn’t eat much. I think that everyone really did like it but were too keyed up about prom to eat.
After dinner we were picked up at seven by a thirty-four foot limo with our driver, Dennis in it. We felt important and Dennis made sure we felt that way. He went where we wanted, when we wanted, for what we wanted, for whatever reason we wanted. He was great. We got to cruise around for an hour and ended up at prom as the first guests. We arrived at eight, but there was nobody there. And that’s the way it stayed for almost two hours, people slowly trickling in until the party truly started at 10:00 or so.
Ashley got to meet all of my friends and the teachers. She was really nervous but everyone liked her. A lot of people said she was cute but crazy. That’s exactly what I think and I’m glad they approve. It makes things easier.
So we danced, even though I didn’t really want to. But I thought I was a better than those who refused to dance. She helped a lot, guiding me along and not being too crazy. Regardless of whether she meant it or not, she said I was a good dancer by the end of the night. I think that everyone knows we’re for real now. I know that this is for real now. I was a little worried that ****************************************** but now I understand better ******************************* I think that I felt shallow because it’s such a light and airy feeling. We carefully dance around each other and know that we’re moving at a million miles an hour. However, we couldn’t care less. *************************************** but I doubt the very meaning of the word.
After prom ended we cruised over to my house and dropped off Meredith, Katy, and their dates. Also, Cris and Patrick donned wrestler masks and got back in the limo. This was probably one of the coolest moments that night. Dennis came over and said the following, “Now I don’t want to you guys to start anything but if you start anything, I’ll finish it. I got your back.” We couldn’t believe that. Dennis is the coolest driver ever. After that vote of confidence, we went to his recommended restaurant, Penny’s Diner. It was deserted, just like he said it would be. He even got us good seats and wiped off our tables for us. Breakfast was good but, once again, nobody could eat. It was just to exciting a time I guess.
Finally, we left and slowly dropped off the remainder of our group: Sarah (but not Ben), Kayli, and Cris. The last twenty-five minutes were the best. Twenty-five to two, Ashley fell asleep on me and we spent time just basking in the light that is our lives. How is it possible to be this lucky. It makes me feel sick and terrible to know it now. I am spoiled. We are all so spoiled. But we’re so happy. It makes me sick and giddy. Goddamnit. I said “I love you” to Ashley and I meant it. Why didn’t I ever mean it like that before? Once. Rose. I’ve never said it like that to anyone else. Not Julia, not Mikaila, not anyone. To know what we have, to know what they’ve done to me, it hurts them, makes them bitter…..
I took Ashley back to her house and then went home.
2:20 a.m.
A fantastic night.
That was Saturday and here is today. We hung out at my house and listened to music. After a few hours, mom and dad invited Ashley to stay for dinner and she ate with us. I just took her home at nine o’clock or so. You see, this whole experience is bittersweet.
I have hurt people and my writing becomes more honest and frustrated every day. I can’t retain my intellectuality and have lost my wisdom. I throw myself at the feet of these three girls, I have forgotten my friends, caught senioritis early. I DO FEEL SHALLOW! Dammit. There it is. I can’t take this anymore. I have pushed aside all metaphysical concern for the present. I have lost it. I am one of a billion, no longer one in a billion. I read an email today from Mikaila. It detailed how sad and angry she was about me lying, about hiding Ashley from her and my lack of concern. I love her as a good friend. Goddamnit. I am sorry. I know I will probably post this for the entire world to see. I am so sorry. I’ve ignored everyone and thought of only myself for God knows how long. How can I do this? My warmth is gone. My wisdom is gone. Empty. Alone. I warned myself this would happen………
The hypocrite strikes again. Two parts of Jeckle and none of Hyde. I have friends and I am close with many. I have achieved a great many things and influenced the lives of many more.
There are too many. I cannot sustain it. Try as I might, I never seem to be able to love them all. I end up hurting someone. I end up loving someone else. The cycle circles upon itself. SUCH A GODDAMN HYPOCRITE! Fuck. I blissfully sit here and so romantically claim to try and love everyone. I represent myself before the court today such a perfect, blameless, shining star. I am nothing. In saying that, I claim to be something. And thus, there is no justice, only the inexorable marching of pointless words and wasted seconds. I have lost my intellectuality, conquered my singular sin to find sloth. There is no way to express how I feel. To express the pain and betrayal in Mikaila’s email; to delve into what I believe is genuine pain, lingering under ************** careful words; to show how ******* reaches out to me,….and is pushed away. I grasp at the shadows that are the friends not able to speak up. They must be there, the ones I have ignored and left to other friends. I love all my friends. I wish I could be there for them all. It hurts so much.
I know that, tomorrow, I will reconcile the differences I have created as best as I can but it won’t be enough. I can never beat this ridiculous ambiguity. It is too much. Is there really any meaning to this? Is this truly what I say it is? Am I babbling for no reason? My writing has no point and no longer any force behind it. I want to give up. Right now I could begin erasing everything. I could return to the present. I could waddle through life and carve out my pinhole in God’s house. I’m not even sure about Him right now. I feel that I can’t count on anything. Nobody will be here for ever and I rely on people so much!
……I won’t give up. I rant and rave and shout and crave fulfillment. No different, I strive to become different. In doing so, I find great sorrow. Returning to the norm, I find more sorrow. But I do love. Perhaps I am weary. Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe this all means nothing. But I am rather unwilling to toss in the towel now. I have everything and deserve nothing. This is who I am right now. I love you all so much. Thank you your Honor, no further comments……
…..Carpe fucking Diem.
Goodnight.