3-11-05 to 3-23-05
3-11-05 (12:10 a.m. 3-12-05)
Well, I throw myself to the whim of another, again. Ashley and I went out today. She called me and we arranged to go see. “The Pacifier” with Vin Diesel. It was, let me say, a lot of fun. I didn’t, to be honest, have much faith in anything happening between us two. I really just wanted to go out with her and have some fun. Some of that fun may have included kissing. I regretted going after that but that’s where things were going. Seems that I have found someone completely different, as her and I are going out now.
Nobody in their right mind has any reason to believe that we should be going out. I only met her a week ago or less. I liked her then but now I feel it more deeply. She’s crazy, a drama nerd, a Christian, and troubled. She’s been through quite a bit and she shared a lot of that with me on a whim. I was very surprised to hear so much from her the very first date. Screw the fu*king kissing rule to hell. We kissed, a lot. I lied to my parents about where we were going but I only did it so they wouldn’t worry. They might make assumptions or think that it was dangerous. However, it was neither and we went.
Starting from the beginning, I went and picked her up from her house at seven or so. She spent some more time getting ready then we left for the movie. We barely got there on time but managed to get in just as the actual movie started. One funny note was where I parked. I parked in a parking lot that had been improvised behind one of the stores at the mall. When we came back from the movie, our parking spot had been blocked by another car. Consequentially, we were “forced” to wait. I have a feeling that, in the back of my mind, I wanted that to happen. So it did and we had more time after the movie to be together.
Immediately after the movie we saw David Frausto, Allison DeDecker, Rocio Banuelos, and Robbie Shaia. It’s always kewl to say hi but I had to be careful and tell Rocio not to blab all over the school that I had a new girlfriend. I don’t want to deal with that drama yet.
So, we left the theaters not really knowing where to go. I told my parents we were hanging out at Petsmart, and we went where we liked. That excuse was forced to hold up over the next three hours or so. *************** ***************** ************************* ******************* ***************** ****************** ********************************That simple.
I have just been told I lack the time to finish. As a result I will finish this entry tomorrow. Know that Ashley has suddenly turned out to be an amazing girl and I am happy to be with her. Goodnight to fleeting joy once again.
…..Continued (3-12-05)
So we left for Smuckers Park over on Ave A. It was fun. We ran all over the place and climbed around on the playground equipment. We were only supposed to be there for an hour or so but ended up being there for more than two hours! I learned a lot about her during that time. Up until this point I thought she was cool and all but I didn’t want to go out with her. Then she really opened up. She asked me, after a long while, about my faith, about who I am, about what I stand for. She really should be a lawyer as she’s very good at looking for a specific answer. She even said at one point for me to “please answer in yes or no only”. Laugh. I thought that was great. I was relieved to figure out that she was Baptist and, more importantly, Christian. She might even become Catholic but she has a lot of confusing questions. I tried to answer a lot of them as best I could. She was very respectful so I was glad to explain. It was so great, we just sat on a slide and talked for a while. Then we went and sat on a bench and talked some more. She told me all manner of things. I am slowly learning that everyone has a history. Amid all of this she asked me out. I said yes. The gravity of that didn’t really dawn on me right then.
I told her briefly about what went on with me and Julia and Mikaila over the last month or so. She was so understanding! She picked up my hands and just listened. I felt pretty awkward describing all of that because I didn’t really want to focus on it. But she made it so easy! That made me feel a lot better. I got it off of my chest.
More talking! She told me about the poems she wrote and even recited one. She told me about some of her friends and the dumb things the do. She told me about what she’d done and her previous boyfriend. He called her a “cocktease”. Motherfu*ker just wanted to get laid. So she said no and they broke up. She told me *********************************. How the hell does this work? So many friends…..so much, Jesus,….pain. I can’t believe how much pain must exist under the surface of our defenses, our “smoke and mirrors”. So she’s had trouble of her own. Just like everyone else, more than me. The weird jealous feeling I have is sickening. I almost wish I could have taken some of I on. I know I can handle it. How selfish of me, how sick and demented. But its how I feel.
I got back late, real late, 12:00 or so. An amazing night. I only worry that something might go wrong. I always do but I don’t have that gut feeling right now.
3-12-05
She called me today. I think we both waited to call each other because we both didn’t know what to say after last night. It always works that way. So she called and I didn’t have anything say, go figure. However, this has happened about three times now. As soon as Ashley calls Mikaila calls. So I had to hang up with Ashley and I still haven’t had the chance to call her back yet. I decided something may be wrong with Mikaila and I didn’t want to shun her off at a crucial time. Turns out I was right.
Mikaila had called me at 10:10 or so last night and I was a little worried that something was going on. There was. Her parents got mad her again for something trivial. Their relationship is so strained. I have a feeling that every little thing sets both parties off. She wouldn’t go out and do and awkward chore for them and they blew up. They wanted her to go get a phone number from a friend of theirs while she was on her way to a rock concert. She said she didn’t want to because it was awkward and they went nuts. “We do so much for you” yada yada. What’s happening to her is the stacking effect. Curtis, her former interest, isn’t paying attention to her. It confuses her and she doesn’t want to lose her friend. Worse still it sounds like he told her that he valued their friendship and then is using that as an excuse to not need to talk to her. I mean they’re good friends right? Right. So that and she so a bunch of her friends drinking and smoking a the concert. This bothers her a lot more than most. So all of these things sent her over the edge.
She *******************************************. I don’t think she would but I sincerely hope ****************************************** I told her that. God I hope she’s ok. Things get so complicated now. I don’t know what else to do. There isn’t much I can do. I need to think it over before I take any action of give any concrete advice.
So before all of that I talked to Ashley. She basically spent the whole conversation saying that she had a lot of fun. She said it like three times! Laugh. It makes me happy to hear that. I want to see her real soon. I realize now that’s basically everything we talked about! Oh well, I’m going to call her back now. Goodnight to hope.
3-13-05
Yesterday was pretty stressful. There’s a lot going on between my parents and I. And of course, the girls. A little while after Mikaila called me at in the afternoon yesterday, I got in a fight with my parents. My dad accused me of not putting enough work in on the MATOA fundraiser and kept telling me how much work he did to make that project work. He used every accusation in the book. He insinuated I ditched the whole day for the forty minutes Mikaila came over. He said that I should have been there more, even though I was sick. They didn’t believe I was sick. They said that I should have been around more and helped. I did. I did a lot and, I’ve been busier than all get out. I wasn’t able to devote days and days of time to this project but I did the best that I could to make sure every thing went well. To be told that I did nothing, that I was slacking, or should have done more, was extremely personal to me. It hurt and it still hurts. I can’t believe they would do that to me.
Of course then I learned that not all of it was my fault. Tensions have been building again and my parents turned on each other after arguing with me. That hurt the most. I hate how this job is tearing my parents up. They are so strong they both hide it until it kills them. But, they always end up resolving these things. My mom’s parents are dying. They won’t be here much longer and that’s hurting her too. She leaves in a week or so to go visit them. She’s worried everything won’t go well while she’s gone. I have to pick up the guys from school every day and Dad will be in Mexico. She doesn’t think I can do. She thinks I’ll screw up. That hurts too. So they fought, a lot.
I took my brothers out to the movies after thirty minutes of this. We watched “Man of the House.” I really didn’t like it that much, despite Tommy Lee Jones being in it. When I got home, mom was still tear-stained. I worry about her. After I got off the phone last night at 11:20, she was downstairs sitting in the living room chair. She said she couldn’t sleep. I was down there to put my cell phone in the charger but I imagine she suspected me of doing some devious deed under her nose. I don’t want her to stress any more. Today she doesn’t feel good and has been in bed most of the morning.
I went to church with Daniel at 8:00 and it’s almost ten right now. I hope she’s ok. I seriously worry she may be depressed. God I pray for her.
So about the girls now. Every single time I get on the phone with one girl, the other calls! Damnit. It makes things so difficult. I was on the phone with Mikaila at 9:40 or so till 10:30. For ten minutes at the end of the call I kept getting this beeping sound on my phone. It sounded a little like and electronic ring. That’s exactly what it was. Ashley was calling me and apparently I have a dual line call alert. Mikaila and I had just been talking small talk, so I hung up with her and called Ashley. I felt so bad. I hadn’t had a decent conversation with her all day because Mikaila kept calling! I make that out to be a bad thing but it really is just a twist of fate.
So we talked for five minutes then Mikaila called again! This is nuts. She called and the first thing she said before she said hi was, “Don’t go out with Ashley”. So then we talked and she said it crushed her to figure out I went out with Ashley on Friday. She said she wanted to date and still liked me but still needed permission. She wanted me to know that. She also said she didn’t want me to stress out. I’m trying not to but I think it’s a little late for that. She said to just do “what you think is right”. I don’t know what is right in all of this. I know I like them both and, for the second time in less than a month, I have to choose between the two. So I chose the new one again, Ashley. I hope that was the right choice. Technically, I could have broken up with her right then and there last night but I didn’t. I told Mikaila we would probably go out because I couldn’t bear to tell her that we were already going out.
I feel shallow, superficial, and childish. I have jumped from one girl to another. I keep telling myself that a lot of this isn’t my fault but I know that, deep down, I am taking advantage of some of my new found popularity. My social life always seems to be on stock progression. Up, up, back, up, up, back, up, up, and back. Every once in a while I go into a recession but I always bounce back. Amazing. The hypocrite heretic strikes again.
I do like her though. her laugh, her eyes, everything she does. I’ve barely known her a week and I feel like I’ve known her for a year. I really want to get to know her better. I am well aware we are moving too fast but I intend to catch up on the slow parts as I go along. As I said to both of them, I am out of words. Goodnight.
3-14-05
Ashley came over today. This is really all that I thought about all day. I don’t know any other way to say it. She’s really sexy. She likes me a lot. We kiss…... I wonder if I’m making the right decision. Mikaila seems like she is ready to go out again. However, my friends are quick to point out that she “played me” and will likely do so again. I wonder if that’s true. She has been somewhat flaky and now that she knows I have someone else, she wants to run back into my arms. I’m sure it’s tearing her up more than she lets on. She hints and wonders at different things. So I choose Ashley. This makes me feel terrible as I know that some of this is based on my physical attraction to Ashley.
However, I don’t want to stress over it and Mikaila herself said not to. So I won’t! Moving on, I picked her up at Yuma High today and we went to my house. I’m pretty sure mom and dad know what’s up and they have been pretty cool about all of the proceedings. She met my mom and I think she liked her. So that’s good. I showed her my room and she met my brothers. ******************************************* *********************** *********************************** ************************************** We hung out in my room for a while and looked at my TIP yearbook. She liked it, which I thought was amazing. ***************************************** ************** *************************************************************** ***************************** *
(AND MORE STARS STARS STARS STARS STARS!!!!!! THE CHIMING OF THE BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS,BELLS, BELLS, BELLS, Ahem.....sorry.)
I think I have written enough on that.
I really shouldn’t be writing anymore right now. I have homework I really need to do and its getting late.
However, I have one more mention. I talked to my dad today and he gave me an interesting lecture. ********************** ******************* ********************* *************************************************************
Ok, that’s it. Goodnight.
3-20-05
I had an excellent week following Monday. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and my mom left for Kentucky Thursday morning. I am responsible this week for picking up my brothers from school. It’s not too bad. I picked them up Thursday, my dad was home Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then I’ll pick them up tomorrow. I think Mom comes back Thursday.
I had to wait three whole days to see Ashley. That was a long time. I had to work those three days last week then I got to see her Friday. We went out to the movies and saw “Robots”. It was pretty good but I really didn’t care what movie we saw. I just wanted to be with her.
I went over to her house Saturday and met her dad. He’s a lunatic. He did nothing but make fun of Ashley the whole time he was there. Consequentially, this set off her mom too. She joined and chimed in whenever she could. It’s funny how this works. I think I’ve already got a good read on them. Her dad is nervous. He wants to be assertive but is utterly put off by his teenage daughter. He doesn’t know how to deal with her. He made several comments to me that were indirectly demeaning. He was looking to establish his authority early without drawing any wrath. Also, he worries about Ashley’s ******************** ************* ********* He made a comment to me about a cut I have on forehead.******************************* ******************************* but I think he has his doubts. Regardless he pounded that point home. His next attack occurred about halfway through the movie Ashley and I watched. He walked in, took brief stock of where everyone’s body parts were, and said “you have a lot of courage to be in here, you could get a bad case of the cooties or somethin’” This was just a check-up but definitely not usual behavior from him, judging from Ashley’s reaction. The third and clinching title on his desperate grab for control was a personal attack on Ashley. I have to deal with this one delicately because they accused her indirectly of using lunch money to buy a pack of cigarettes. She was eating some dinner and we were all having a conversation when they began to challenge her on a number of different money issues. They then brought up cigarettes when she blew them off. Interesting.
First off, I need to ask Ashley if she smokes. She didn’t tell me that but I need to ask. I just have to be delicate about it. It’s obvious she ties me strongly to David Loeffler since I’m a Boy Scout. So she thinks I’m an angel. This makes her want to hide things from me that don’t necessarily support a good girl image. I don’t care what she’s done. I certainly don’t want her to hide them from me! I know her parents were making her nervous last night. I hope she’s ok. I’m pretty sure she is.
Secondly, I’m pretty sure her parents like me but have nothing to complain about. I’ve done nothing wrong, yet. I feel that things may end up going sour with them at one point. They’re too keyed up not to find a fault. So, if and when that occurs, I will deal with it decisively. I have never been scared of parents. Parents, are scared of me. So, I should hope they don’t misinterpret any of my actions and know that Ashley and I don’t intend to move past anything more than kissing. Like I said, I got a good read.
Thirdly, I left her house at 11:20, another late night. Even though my dad told me to come home at 11:00 I was late and he still didn’t care. This is absolutely amazing. I think he trusts me more now and I am happy for it. I need to make sure I deserve that trust.
So, I got to see her twice this weekend and I am very happy. I like the stability we have, all two weeks of it. It’s better than I’ve been doing anyways…..She’s supposed to call me sometime today. I imagine we’ll have a lot to talk about for once.
Well, I think that’s all that I have to say. I have a phone interview for my job at Mataguay this summer. My mom is a little miffed that I talk about it like I already have the job. She doesn’t seem to understand. I do. I have previous experience teaching at camp, about 800 glowing recommendations, and a shiny new Eagle Scout patch sewn to my uniform. If he doesn’t hand me their Wilderness survival program or any portion of Scoutcraft, I will be very, thoroughly surprised. I want this job very badly. They are willing to accommodate my schedule, pay me three times as much as I make at Albertson’s, pay my room and board, and give me a job I love to do. I can’t ask for anything better at a camp two and a half hours away. The only downside is going o be working in time to see my friends and, …….well, I won’t get to hopeful now will I?
Ok, really, I mean it, that’s it. I have no more. This entry is over. One whole page or more! Wow. Goodnight.
3-21-05
I tried to write earlier today in study hall. I couldn’t do it. I tried writing an entry just for LJ. I couldn’t do it. I tried to write long emails to my friends. I couldn’t do it. I simply couldn’t write today. Then I got home…..
Ashley wrote me back today after I wrote her a very long email Sunday night. She said she could see herself sticking with me, that I was the “first guy in two years” to make her feel like that. We’ll have been going out barely three weeks this Friday. Amazing. I always seem to have this feeling right before the roller coaster comes off the tracks. However, I have no bad gut feelings, no premonitions, no needy feeling to see her desperately before something goes wrong. Nothing is going wrong and things are easy between us. I realize now that, when I was with Julia and Mikaila, I had a feeling of wonder and musing. I needed to figure them out all of the time, find out their true intentions. I don’t have that need with Ashley. I want to be with her but, if I can’t, it doesn’t kill me. I think I had to constantly prove myself to Mikaila and Julia. I held onto what I wanted by the oily fishing line that caught me in the first place. That sounds terribly cold but it’s true. It’s the truth. I realize now what I was really looking for the whole time. Ashley is absolutely head-over-heels for me. I don’t need to guess. I always thought this was supposed to be such a guessing game. It’s not. It’s so pleasantly and warmly obvious. She likes me. So here I am.
Passion returns. I can write. I seek to return to the energy I had in the beginning of the year. I remember the first few days of this year. I returned completely confident in my abilities, fell, fell again, and fell once more. I learned my lesson. Even though, I sinned recently. I have to get this under control. Tonight. I can’t do anything to screw this up. That’s it. I must be strong unless I want to lose everything. I am scared. I have said that too much. I will make sure I am strong tomorrow. I will take it one day at a time.
I am, right now, composing my personal creed. I will print it and read it tomorrow. I will keep it in my pocket. It will protect me. My words will protect me. Goodnight.