Sippin on my Faygo ,watchin as the world goes
And no...that isn't from aPSychopathic song. I just wrote it. Hmmm...maybe I'll use it in a song, who knows. I'm not sure what is really going on, like underneath everything else going on, it feels like something is pressuring me into feeling the way I do and it's all subconcious. I'm depressed, I know that yet I don't want to tell anyone becasue everyone around me has so much going on for them and I refuse to take any of my friends down with me on my spiral.
I'm starting to sort of feel regret for getting married so young.I love Pat, everyone knows I do, I made mt mistakes, He knows about it. He forgave me, so anyone who wants to throw that in my face,don't bother because I do it everyday. I don't think, no, I know I don't desrve him. He the best thing to ever have happened to me and I don't deserve any of it, or him.
I keep wanting a drink so bad, and not doing it. I don't want to be the way I was when Mike died, I don't want to not feel what I am feeling , yet at the same time I am so sick of feeling it and want it to go away. I'm tired of this miserable feeling, and everyonearound me virtually is happy and I am miserable and just feeling like the third wheel in every situation I enter into. I mean like I have someone, but I never see him so whenever I'm with the friend's I have that are with someone else, I just feel like crying,screaming and going insane all at once, so I just walk. I must have walked around Twinkie's block five times Saturday night, and I called Twinkie when he was on his way home to tell him where I was and than we walked down to the docks and just sat there on the swings talking for over an hour. It was so nice, he didn't have to do that, he didnt have to sit there and listen to me bitch and cry and put his arm around me when I did, but he did and I appreciated it so much, and apparently that showed.
He so happy and I'm hpappy for him, even if I don't show it, casue he really does deserve something in his life to keep his mind off everything going on around him, I just wish I had that. That's another thing I've noticed recently, I'm jealous of things and people simply because they're happy. Granted it may not be true jealousy, but it's just that feeling of being jealous of the people I lve just becasue they are happy and I'm not....I'm sick of it and everything in general pretty much....
I'm starting to sort of feel regret for getting married so young.I love Pat, everyone knows I do, I made mt mistakes, He knows about it. He forgave me, so anyone who wants to throw that in my face,don't bother because I do it everyday. I don't think, no, I know I don't desrve him. He the best thing to ever have happened to me and I don't deserve any of it, or him.
I keep wanting a drink so bad, and not doing it. I don't want to be the way I was when Mike died, I don't want to not feel what I am feeling , yet at the same time I am so sick of feeling it and want it to go away. I'm tired of this miserable feeling, and everyonearound me virtually is happy and I am miserable and just feeling like the third wheel in every situation I enter into. I mean like I have someone, but I never see him so whenever I'm with the friend's I have that are with someone else, I just feel like crying,screaming and going insane all at once, so I just walk. I must have walked around Twinkie's block five times Saturday night, and I called Twinkie when he was on his way home to tell him where I was and than we walked down to the docks and just sat there on the swings talking for over an hour. It was so nice, he didn't have to do that, he didnt have to sit there and listen to me bitch and cry and put his arm around me when I did, but he did and I appreciated it so much, and apparently that showed.
He so happy and I'm hpappy for him, even if I don't show it, casue he really does deserve something in his life to keep his mind off everything going on around him, I just wish I had that. That's another thing I've noticed recently, I'm jealous of things and people simply because they're happy. Granted it may not be true jealousy, but it's just that feeling of being jealous of the people I lve just becasue they are happy and I'm not....I'm sick of it and everything in general pretty much....