Recovery
Spoke to Tyler. Went exceptionally well considering our track record lately. I didn't cry. I just held my head high, spoke only truth, and didn't let him get to me. The most obvious thing about him right now is that he's sad. And as much as I sympathize and earnestly care for him, it is not within my power and/or my place to fix him of that now. I think he's finally beginning to understand that. His point of the evening was that he didn't want to lose me as a best friend. I never intended to take that away from him, and I told him so. I'll always be there for him, I'll listen and comfort as much as need be. But the definition of our relationship has changed dramatically, and therefore the means by which I will go about being a friend. I think he needs to learn that. My emotional energy is limited, and my boundaries are greater. Nevertheless, I will do what I can. He was concerned that Jesse was coming between our friendship. I've never seen that. Jesse is only looking out for my well-being, and since Tyler has been hurting me lately, the natural response is anger. I know Jesse respects Tyler, and he respects that I can't walk away from an almost three year relationship without some retained contact. Tyler wishes for Jesse to come to him, says he wants to understand him better, and for Jesse to understand him, also to understand Jesse's intentions toward himself and myself. I thought Jesse was making that clear, but Tyler can be a little oblivous sometimes. He asked me if I loved Jesse, I told him I did. Then he asked if I had told Jesse; as if I could keep that a secret even if I decided not to say it out loud. It's quite obvious. Then he asked if I saw us getting back together anytime in the future. And I said no. Jesse or no Jesse, I've come to the firm realization that I could not be completely happy with Tyler ever again. Not as his girlfriend, not as his wife. I know I hurt him by saying this, but to lie would have been more offensive, to both of them. He may not see it now, but I am not the one for him, I hold back his ambitions. And I know he will be great one day, I would never rob him of that. He was concerned about whether I see a future with Jesse, considering how important having a family is to me. But I told him I'm not looking that far ahead right now. I would like a future with Jesse, certainly, but those details are to be worked out in increments, and I am in no hurry. I explained to him that I'm living my moments completely, here and now, with a handful of goals for a vague future. And that is most satisfying. I understand that my complete happiness right now is worth all the trouble it will cause me in the future. He admit to living wholly in the beyond, without any concern for the present, that's why he failed our relationship, he said, because he didn't give me what I needed now in order to potentially provide it in the future. I told him I knew that, only I just got sick of waiting without any proof that future would materialize. It was nobody's fault, we were just living our lives in two different tenses, and that can't work out. I think he feels better about the situation (slightly), I know I do. It was the first time since the breakup that we talked about everyday things, like movies. I saw a little bit of the old Tyler come out during the light part of the conversation, and that gave me hope that he will recover soon. I very much want him to move on and be happy. I realize I am the lucky one in all of this, I hope he gets his turn as well for something as wonderful as I have.