(no subject)
I'm fucking sick and tired! I try to help people, and then i find out that it mean jack fucking shit to them, I spend so much time spilling out my true feeling to them, tryign to get throught their problems, so they wont have to be like how I am. Come to find out I just make them feel worst, go in deeper whole. This world fuckign sucks! I just can't take thi sanymore, I have so many of my own problems, then someone that means so so soo much to me, tells me some things on his mind, we alwyas exchange feelings, we have a wicked indept conversation about it, I try soo hard ot help him out, then I read in his journal, that some of the shit I sa ment shit. I am havign all of these people spilling their problems on me lately, it seems like I'm a theripst or something. I woudln't mind talking to peopel and tryign to help them out, but as soon as I give them adivse or try to hepl them out they eithe rflip out on me, and do everything in their willpower to fight again what I said. Whats even the point then?!
I just want to blow my brians out, no one knows how I feel, i try to hide it from everyone, I dont' even tlel Lauren most of them time, she knows when I'm in a bad moos but nothing to much about it. No one understands me. 10% of my problems might ahve to do wiht society, things in the "world" but 90% of it is all in my head, and everyne always tells me there has ot be a reason, well there doens't have to be a reason, and their isn't. Why can't I just be happy ? Truefully happy without being torn apart on the inside, slowing rotting away my heart, m feeling are decaying. I am dead. Maybe not physically, but mentally I am dead. I have nothing inside of me except negativity. Why do I want that? I dont' want to live like this. Not at all....I just want to fucking leave, I'm so fustrated rigth now, if youculd tell by my use of the word "fuck" everyother sentence. I mean I don't know why I'm fustrated..I mean I've relized that all the times I try to hlp peopel it really doens' tmean anything at all, and i'm justw asting my time and feeling trying to make other people's lives better. I don't care about my life naymorw, its to late, I will never cahnge, all I want is for my friends, anyone who hasn't already reached my point or worst to not reach it. I know I don't have it as bad as sme peopl. Yes i hve parents, a roof over my head, food, but that means nothgin...like I said...its all mental. some people might have a worst social life, some maybe mental.....anyways no one will ever EVER know what my life is like, as much as they think they will or do, they don't or wont. Why? well its as easy as they aren't in my head nor share a brain, they might understand some, most even, but never exactly. If anything thinks I'm going to go to a doctor then shot me right now. They don't know shit, no one knows anythgin unless they go through it, and if a doctor went through what I am or someone else "in need of a doctor" then they woudln't be a doctor. hospitals.....HA! They make you worst! I knwo peopel that have been in them, some several times in their life....they are so strict, nothign liek movies, or TV. You're told what to do, when to do it, what to eat, when to eat it, they watch you piss,shit,shower...all dependsing what you are there for, and the less you pariticpate, the longer you are there for. No shoelaces,tank tops, belts,jewlery,hair elastics, and so much more...I mean god I would kill myself if I went to one, I'd find a way, or I'd play the whoel "I'm better act" then shot myself in the head as soon as i got out. Why the fuck not right? not liek anyone woudl care, maybe a coupel at the nmost woudl be sad, nothgin more thana little upset, no one evern fucking reads this, sowhats the point Nikki? why the hell and I wasting my time writing in this peice of shit online journal, I have my normal notebook one, thats nmore meaning full, I usually never wite in this, that I write in everyday. I guess I do this becasue its better than talkign to myself, even thgouh I'm doing that as well....Lauren is passed out on our bed alreade, like always...someething to do while I can't sleep. I don't even wnat to do this anymore,do anythign, breath, eat, shower, school. I just wnat to sit on my ass and liten to musci all day long and night, let myself fade away, more than it alreayd has......my body will start to disinegrate....phsyically. Its already going mentally, like I said mentally I'm dead....so forget what I just said.....why am I still typing, I might as well just go to bed, watch some TV, puke up my food, cry myself to sleep...find my kitten...where is that kitten of mine......No one reads this....I'm blabbing to myself....I alreayd said this, oh well not like anyone cares....or will see it..haha there I go again..I am such a helpless moron..
I just want to blow my brians out, no one knows how I feel, i try to hide it from everyone, I dont' even tlel Lauren most of them time, she knows when I'm in a bad moos but nothing to much about it. No one understands me. 10% of my problems might ahve to do wiht society, things in the "world" but 90% of it is all in my head, and everyne always tells me there has ot be a reason, well there doens't have to be a reason, and their isn't. Why can't I just be happy ? Truefully happy without being torn apart on the inside, slowing rotting away my heart, m feeling are decaying. I am dead. Maybe not physically, but mentally I am dead. I have nothing inside of me except negativity. Why do I want that? I dont' want to live like this. Not at all....I just want to fucking leave, I'm so fustrated rigth now, if youculd tell by my use of the word "fuck" everyother sentence. I mean I don't know why I'm fustrated..I mean I've relized that all the times I try to hlp peopel it really doens' tmean anything at all, and i'm justw asting my time and feeling trying to make other people's lives better. I don't care about my life naymorw, its to late, I will never cahnge, all I want is for my friends, anyone who hasn't already reached my point or worst to not reach it. I know I don't have it as bad as sme peopl. Yes i hve parents, a roof over my head, food, but that means nothgin...like I said...its all mental. some people might have a worst social life, some maybe mental.....anyways no one will ever EVER know what my life is like, as much as they think they will or do, they don't or wont. Why? well its as easy as they aren't in my head nor share a brain, they might understand some, most even, but never exactly. If anything thinks I'm going to go to a doctor then shot me right now. They don't know shit, no one knows anythgin unless they go through it, and if a doctor went through what I am or someone else "in need of a doctor" then they woudln't be a doctor. hospitals.....HA! They make you worst! I knwo peopel that have been in them, some several times in their life....they are so strict, nothign liek movies, or TV. You're told what to do, when to do it, what to eat, when to eat it, they watch you piss,shit,shower...all dependsing what you are there for, and the less you pariticpate, the longer you are there for. No shoelaces,tank tops, belts,jewlery,hair elastics, and so much more...I mean god I would kill myself if I went to one, I'd find a way, or I'd play the whoel "I'm better act" then shot myself in the head as soon as i got out. Why the fuck not right? not liek anyone woudl care, maybe a coupel at the nmost woudl be sad, nothgin more thana little upset, no one evern fucking reads this, sowhats the point Nikki? why the hell and I wasting my time writing in this peice of shit online journal, I have my normal notebook one, thats nmore meaning full, I usually never wite in this, that I write in everyday. I guess I do this becasue its better than talkign to myself, even thgouh I'm doing that as well....Lauren is passed out on our bed alreade, like always...someething to do while I can't sleep. I don't even wnat to do this anymore,do anythign, breath, eat, shower, school. I just wnat to sit on my ass and liten to musci all day long and night, let myself fade away, more than it alreayd has......my body will start to disinegrate....phsyically. Its already going mentally, like I said mentally I'm dead....so forget what I just said.....why am I still typing, I might as well just go to bed, watch some TV, puke up my food, cry myself to sleep...find my kitten...where is that kitten of mine......No one reads this....I'm blabbing to myself....I alreayd said this, oh well not like anyone cares....or will see it..haha there I go again..I am such a helpless moron..