issues
Every few weeks I go through this mood of being unsatisfied with every accomplishment I've ever had. During this time I tend to focus on everything I'm not good at and put myself down for every mistake or failure I've ever experienced. Why is that? Why can't I be happy with what I have? During this time I question whether or not I made the right decision by going into music. People told me when I first got there, "You're not going to get a job! You're not going to get a job!! MEH MEH MEH!!!" And I just went my merry way doing whatever I wanted to do. Well, I guess they were right. I can't get a job with a Bachelor of Music degree. At least not a job in music. Having that degree doesn't make me a better flute player. What in the crap was I thinking? Why didn't anyone talk me out of it? Why is that degree even offered? No ONE should offer that degree because it's USELESS!! But, see, it was the music education majors that gave me grief about not getting a job, but the thing is, I have NO desire to be a band director. Ugh! Wait, let me rephrase that, it was the music education majors who couldn't hack it as music education majors and eventually either got pregnant, quit, or changed their major who told me I wouldn't get a job. Well, they're not getting one either. Okay, so that's fine and dandy that music education majors can get a job teaching band with their BMEd doing what they LOVE. I'd rather not do music at all than be a band director, but that's just my decision. So, anyway, all those people were right, which makes me mad, but my stupid pride got in the way. Oh, and at that time I loved what I was doing. So, right now, in the mood I'm in, I don't see how I can be a successful flute player AND have a family. Nope. Just don't see it at all.
But I'm stuck here. I can't try and start a REAL major because I don't have any money for that. Because I've already gotten a degree, I don't qualify for pell grants. I don't think I'd be a priority scholarship candidate. So, it would be loans. Great....so I'd spend the rest of my life paying off student loans. Oh wait, no, if I become a stay-at-home mom one day (which at this moment REALLY doesn't appeal to me-but that's because, as you noticed, I'm in a horrible mood), I won't be able to work, because my husband will probably not want me to work. But is he going to want to pay my student loans? I don't think so. So then what? Ugh! So, I guess I can't get married.
And it's really hard for me to explain to people what the big fuss about getting married is. How 'bout this to all the people who've been asking me what my big deal about getting married is, "Because I WANT to get married!" That's why. There are other reasons, but it boils down to I just plain and simply want to be married one day. No one said anything about it being tomorrow did they? No one said anything about it even being a year from now! Nothing is set in stone; just the fact that it's something I want to do. And I don't need to wait until I'm not an "emotional baby" anymore because me being who I am will never be perfectly "emotionally stable." In my 20s I'll be up and down, back and forth. In my 30s I'll think my body is falling apart and that I'm old. In my 40s I'll finally realize that I'm not REALLY falling apart, but then I'll start worrying that my KIDS are growing up too fast. Somewhere in there I just MIGHT experience the "mid-life crisis." In my 50s I may experience being an empty nester...and after that, I'll finally be wonderfully wise and emotionally grown up, but that's when the physical problems might kick in and therefore different emotional struggles. So where in there does it eem like the "Perfect" time to get married? And me being who I am, I always question my decisions. I NEVER know what I want, and I change my mind often. Why? Because that's ME! I don't think at some miracle age I'll finally stop doing that.
*sigh
But I'm stuck here. I can't try and start a REAL major because I don't have any money for that. Because I've already gotten a degree, I don't qualify for pell grants. I don't think I'd be a priority scholarship candidate. So, it would be loans. Great....so I'd spend the rest of my life paying off student loans. Oh wait, no, if I become a stay-at-home mom one day (which at this moment REALLY doesn't appeal to me-but that's because, as you noticed, I'm in a horrible mood), I won't be able to work, because my husband will probably not want me to work. But is he going to want to pay my student loans? I don't think so. So then what? Ugh! So, I guess I can't get married.
And it's really hard for me to explain to people what the big fuss about getting married is. How 'bout this to all the people who've been asking me what my big deal about getting married is, "Because I WANT to get married!" That's why. There are other reasons, but it boils down to I just plain and simply want to be married one day. No one said anything about it being tomorrow did they? No one said anything about it even being a year from now! Nothing is set in stone; just the fact that it's something I want to do. And I don't need to wait until I'm not an "emotional baby" anymore because me being who I am will never be perfectly "emotionally stable." In my 20s I'll be up and down, back and forth. In my 30s I'll think my body is falling apart and that I'm old. In my 40s I'll finally realize that I'm not REALLY falling apart, but then I'll start worrying that my KIDS are growing up too fast. Somewhere in there I just MIGHT experience the "mid-life crisis." In my 50s I may experience being an empty nester...and after that, I'll finally be wonderfully wise and emotionally grown up, but that's when the physical problems might kick in and therefore different emotional struggles. So where in there does it eem like the "Perfect" time to get married? And me being who I am, I always question my decisions. I NEVER know what I want, and I change my mind often. Why? Because that's ME! I don't think at some miracle age I'll finally stop doing that.
*sigh