(no subject)
he said "i think i regret this. it's so depressing talking about the holocaust so early in the morning."
i shrugged my shoulders and said "eh."
am i a horrible person because i would rather read about the deaths in the holocaust than write about the gains of women under soviet russia? is it bad that these things don't make me cry anymore, and if they do, i want them to make me cry? what does that say about me as a person, that i'm taking my third class about the holocaust this upcoming spring, teaching it no doubt? maybe it upsets him and not me because he's jewish? should i not be a teaching assistant for 'the holocaust', a class that incorporates the literature, film, and history of the holocaust into one class, because i'm not jewish? does it not affect me in the same way? i hate to say it, but i find the holocaust insanely interesting. cause and effect and what those causes are just boggle my mind and the more i think about them, the more i see into the human spirit and the human mind. maybe it just fits into the whole concept i have to people at this time. maybe i'm incredibly nihilistic at the moment. should i not be? i'm about to enter the real world, which everything in my life up until this point has gearing me towards yet the real world is not like anything i've ever known. nothing matters. the fact that i was a competitive swimmer for nine years has no bearing in the job market. a swim meet when i was fifteen or a test i crammed for on european intellectual history does not matter in the rest of my life. and what's it all been for? and what will it all be for? what's the point? why bother? competing and winning the race, getting an a on the test, etc. does not matter nor will it ever matter again. i have no one to compete against after june 2007 and do i want that? for some reason, i want that competition again. or i at least want something to strive for, because there will no longer be anything to work towards after i graduation. it's not like i'm trying to get into a good college or have a high gpa. everything i've ever known will be blown to bits and i'm so fucking confused. what do i want? what do i want out of life? if i get a career that i enjoy there will be nothing to work towards. but i don't want to do something i hate or sucks just so i can have something to work towards. because it doesn't matter. my parents can't brag to their friends about how i just got hired at a new coffee shop and i'm getting health benefits like they can say i'm going to cif or i got a 1400 on my SATs or i'm graduating a year early. they can just complain about how i'm a fuck up working retail with a gigantic tattoo on my foot (which i love btdub). what does it matter in the real world? it doesn't.
i shrugged my shoulders and said "eh."
am i a horrible person because i would rather read about the deaths in the holocaust than write about the gains of women under soviet russia? is it bad that these things don't make me cry anymore, and if they do, i want them to make me cry? what does that say about me as a person, that i'm taking my third class about the holocaust this upcoming spring, teaching it no doubt? maybe it upsets him and not me because he's jewish? should i not be a teaching assistant for 'the holocaust', a class that incorporates the literature, film, and history of the holocaust into one class, because i'm not jewish? does it not affect me in the same way? i hate to say it, but i find the holocaust insanely interesting. cause and effect and what those causes are just boggle my mind and the more i think about them, the more i see into the human spirit and the human mind. maybe it just fits into the whole concept i have to people at this time. maybe i'm incredibly nihilistic at the moment. should i not be? i'm about to enter the real world, which everything in my life up until this point has gearing me towards yet the real world is not like anything i've ever known. nothing matters. the fact that i was a competitive swimmer for nine years has no bearing in the job market. a swim meet when i was fifteen or a test i crammed for on european intellectual history does not matter in the rest of my life. and what's it all been for? and what will it all be for? what's the point? why bother? competing and winning the race, getting an a on the test, etc. does not matter nor will it ever matter again. i have no one to compete against after june 2007 and do i want that? for some reason, i want that competition again. or i at least want something to strive for, because there will no longer be anything to work towards after i graduation. it's not like i'm trying to get into a good college or have a high gpa. everything i've ever known will be blown to bits and i'm so fucking confused. what do i want? what do i want out of life? if i get a career that i enjoy there will be nothing to work towards. but i don't want to do something i hate or sucks just so i can have something to work towards. because it doesn't matter. my parents can't brag to their friends about how i just got hired at a new coffee shop and i'm getting health benefits like they can say i'm going to cif or i got a 1400 on my SATs or i'm graduating a year early. they can just complain about how i'm a fuck up working retail with a gigantic tattoo on my foot (which i love btdub). what does it matter in the real world? it doesn't.