A distant sadness.
I had a sad sort of dream last night.
Once upon a time in my life, there was a friend from high school that I really, really cared about, and definitely could have tipped over into loving madly. I would sometimes refer to him in this very LJ as 'the Boy'. We would go on quasi-dates every once in a while, but while I liked to hope they might be real dates, I never got any indication from him that he considered them to be anything more than just friends hanging out. Also, I was always the one that called him. Me being the instigator was so completely one-sided that after a while I started to feel like I was being a nuisance. Would I have felt this way if I only wanted to be friends with him? Who's to say, but the fact of the matter was that I didn't want to be just friends, and continuing forever in that nebulous place was too hurtful for me.
You may ask, why didn't you just get it out there, tell him how you felt? A very valid point, but I am of the belief that a relationship is stronger if both parties show some level of initiative, and more particularly the guy. The last time I called the Boy, I caught him on vacation, so I said, hey, cool, just give me a call whenever. He said he would. But then he never did. And at that point I made the decision. I'm not calling any more. If I'm important enough in his life, even if it is just as friends, he'll call eventually. Maybe he just never calls because I never give him the chance, you know, and he's comfortable with letting me do the leg work? If he cares enough, he'll call. I can't be happy with a middle ground, so I'm letting him go and moving on.
He hasn't called. I haven't been counting, but I'd say rough estimate... going on three years now? And I kind of knew in my heart that he wouldn't. Which is perfectly fine. He's still a wonderful person, but you only have room in your life to cultivate so many close relationships, and I was never to him what he was to me. It was a real growing up lesson for me, and I was never heartbroken about it, just mildly regretful.
Last night, out of nowhere, I had this dream that I ran into him... somewhere. A restaurant or a grocery store and he was SO happy to see me and had this light in his eyes like, 'what was I ever thinking to let you out of my life?' And well, you know how dreams are. I woke up and when I realized it hadn't really happened I was achingly sad. I'm much better now, but wish I could pinpoint what triggered the dream.
I think this is why the scene in the end of S3 of Doctor Who when Martha spells out for the Doctor why she can't hang out with him anymore, TARDIS or no TARDIS, got to me so much and made me want to give her a big giant hug of pride and sympathy.
Hey, maybe that's what triggered the dream...? LOL
Oddly, I got another blast from the past this morning in reflecting on all of this... an old favorite song of mine from my early college years, when I was expecting a relationship much more strongly than I am right now. I bought it on iTunes this morning. It was a comfort then, and it was a comfort this morning.
Once upon a time in my life, there was a friend from high school that I really, really cared about, and definitely could have tipped over into loving madly. I would sometimes refer to him in this very LJ as 'the Boy'. We would go on quasi-dates every once in a while, but while I liked to hope they might be real dates, I never got any indication from him that he considered them to be anything more than just friends hanging out. Also, I was always the one that called him. Me being the instigator was so completely one-sided that after a while I started to feel like I was being a nuisance. Would I have felt this way if I only wanted to be friends with him? Who's to say, but the fact of the matter was that I didn't want to be just friends, and continuing forever in that nebulous place was too hurtful for me.
You may ask, why didn't you just get it out there, tell him how you felt? A very valid point, but I am of the belief that a relationship is stronger if both parties show some level of initiative, and more particularly the guy. The last time I called the Boy, I caught him on vacation, so I said, hey, cool, just give me a call whenever. He said he would. But then he never did. And at that point I made the decision. I'm not calling any more. If I'm important enough in his life, even if it is just as friends, he'll call eventually. Maybe he just never calls because I never give him the chance, you know, and he's comfortable with letting me do the leg work? If he cares enough, he'll call. I can't be happy with a middle ground, so I'm letting him go and moving on.
He hasn't called. I haven't been counting, but I'd say rough estimate... going on three years now? And I kind of knew in my heart that he wouldn't. Which is perfectly fine. He's still a wonderful person, but you only have room in your life to cultivate so many close relationships, and I was never to him what he was to me. It was a real growing up lesson for me, and I was never heartbroken about it, just mildly regretful.
Last night, out of nowhere, I had this dream that I ran into him... somewhere. A restaurant or a grocery store and he was SO happy to see me and had this light in his eyes like, 'what was I ever thinking to let you out of my life?' And well, you know how dreams are. I woke up and when I realized it hadn't really happened I was achingly sad. I'm much better now, but wish I could pinpoint what triggered the dream.
I think this is why the scene in the end of S3 of Doctor Who when Martha spells out for the Doctor why she can't hang out with him anymore, TARDIS or no TARDIS, got to me so much and made me want to give her a big giant hug of pride and sympathy.
Hey, maybe that's what triggered the dream...? LOL
Oddly, I got another blast from the past this morning in reflecting on all of this... an old favorite song of mine from my early college years, when I was expecting a relationship much more strongly than I am right now. I bought it on iTunes this morning. It was a comfort then, and it was a comfort this morning.
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