pitty party and a cry for help
at this point i have to ask have you ever wanted to run away from home ? cuz right now i do! i'm just sick to death of having to be the responsible one. the one that holds it all together. being the level headed one when all i want to do is smack the shit out of the people who are pissing me off. at this point i am so over people and their shit. i have enough problems right now of my own i don't need yours on top of my own i didn't fuck up your life you did, your the one who made the choices you did not me! fix your fucking shit your self just remember you owe me money and to pay me back and i'll happily go on my fucking way! i want my house back! i want my silence back i wantto be able to hear my self think. i need a place i can go where nobody will bug me just so i can clear my freaking head cuz the voices are starting to get to me.
i seriously had to stop my self from picking up my son and throwing him in his crib as hard as i freaking could just so he would leave me alone for 5 minutes!
if i don't get some time away from these people i'm going to freaking lose what is left of my mind
i seriously don't know how much more you expect me to take
i can't do this much more
i just want my life back or something that resembles what i considered my life
i gave up everything i knew to be here today
and i don't resent anyone except for my self for being stupid and doing that
i sit here and look back at my life and realize i wasted the last 10 years on a person who didn't love me or want me and you expect me to be able to just move on? i want to know what i did to deserve that.
seriously who did i screw in another life to end up with all the problems i have in this one?
from 1999 -2008 i made close to 60thou and what do i have to show for it? a car i brought in 2004, 2 failed marriages 3 kids that make me absolutely nuts a bankruptcy, a eviction 4 or 5 charged off credit cards that i couldn't pay cuz i was busy paying somebody elses shit to pay my own.
i hate my life right now and i know it sounds like i'm making excuses and i'm not i have legit reasons why i can't go back to work i'll list them out for you
1.my kids
i can't leave them alone with my mother out of pure fear that something bad will happen and i will get a call from dcfs again and have my children taken from me for a 3rd time
i'm afraid to go out of my house or even leave my kids alone for five minutes out of pure fear something will happen
i have been told i'm not a bad mother but you could of fooled me. who lets their daughter get molested by their biological father? who lets their daughter get molested by a close friend? i have no proof these things happened but those are the reason i was given by dcfs that i am a bad parent . yet i am the only constant my children know in their lives.
dcfs says i have no attachment to my children. i say they are wrong my children are afraid to get attached to me cuz they think once they do dcfs will come and take them away again. and i kinda know how they feel cuz i think the same thing.
once dcfs has ripped apart your family you are afraid to breathe out of pure fear that if you look at somebody strange they will show up to take the kids
i know if i got a job again all my money problems would vanish , cuz i am hard worker but th epeople in my house can't be trusted to watch my children the way i want. so i have to settle for being jobless to protect my children and continue losing my mind
i think you get the point of this
so i'll leave it at that
i seriously had to stop my self from picking up my son and throwing him in his crib as hard as i freaking could just so he would leave me alone for 5 minutes!
if i don't get some time away from these people i'm going to freaking lose what is left of my mind
i seriously don't know how much more you expect me to take
i can't do this much more
i just want my life back or something that resembles what i considered my life
i gave up everything i knew to be here today
and i don't resent anyone except for my self for being stupid and doing that
i sit here and look back at my life and realize i wasted the last 10 years on a person who didn't love me or want me and you expect me to be able to just move on? i want to know what i did to deserve that.
seriously who did i screw in another life to end up with all the problems i have in this one?
from 1999 -2008 i made close to 60thou and what do i have to show for it? a car i brought in 2004, 2 failed marriages 3 kids that make me absolutely nuts a bankruptcy, a eviction 4 or 5 charged off credit cards that i couldn't pay cuz i was busy paying somebody elses shit to pay my own.
i hate my life right now and i know it sounds like i'm making excuses and i'm not i have legit reasons why i can't go back to work i'll list them out for you
1.my kids
i can't leave them alone with my mother out of pure fear that something bad will happen and i will get a call from dcfs again and have my children taken from me for a 3rd time
i'm afraid to go out of my house or even leave my kids alone for five minutes out of pure fear something will happen
i have been told i'm not a bad mother but you could of fooled me. who lets their daughter get molested by their biological father? who lets their daughter get molested by a close friend? i have no proof these things happened but those are the reason i was given by dcfs that i am a bad parent . yet i am the only constant my children know in their lives.
dcfs says i have no attachment to my children. i say they are wrong my children are afraid to get attached to me cuz they think once they do dcfs will come and take them away again. and i kinda know how they feel cuz i think the same thing.
once dcfs has ripped apart your family you are afraid to breathe out of pure fear that if you look at somebody strange they will show up to take the kids
i know if i got a job again all my money problems would vanish , cuz i am hard worker but th epeople in my house can't be trusted to watch my children the way i want. so i have to settle for being jobless to protect my children and continue losing my mind
i think you get the point of this
so i'll leave it at that