Its been awhile
Where do I begin?
Its been awhile, a long while...and it is clear to me that I am writing for myself this time, not for entertainment value for my peers or to catch others up on my life as of late. Yes, dear livejournal, I have decided to resurrect you simply because I know you will listen.
Ever hear the phrase "live fast, die young"? I think for a long time I never understood it. It sounded dangerous, a bit glamorous even. But somehow I feel I can relate to it now for reasons I never considered.
The way I see it, I have two choices. I can go through with the test, and maybe find out that it is cancer. I'll have surgery, treatments, medicine...and probably still not live. All of my plans will be ruined. My life will be ruined. I will no longer have a chance to "live fast", just "die young". The burden will be too much to carry to remain in motion.
My other option? Don't go. Don't find out. Ignore the doctors, ignore my friends, ignore my instincts. Maybe I'll die a little sooner, but at least it will be in oblivion, at least it will be living.
Of course...maybe I will go and I don't have cancer. Maybe the doctor was just being overly cautious, maybe 23 year olds can't even get breast cancer and its all just a big misunderstanding. And I'll go and I'll cry and they'll tell me I'm just fine, and next year I'll move to Seattle and go on with my life.
I have plans, I have someone I love more than anything, and yet one little test, one little trip to the hospital is threatening to take it all away.
But of course, it could be nothing. It probably is nothing. So why then, do I not want to know?
Its been awhile, a long while...and it is clear to me that I am writing for myself this time, not for entertainment value for my peers or to catch others up on my life as of late. Yes, dear livejournal, I have decided to resurrect you simply because I know you will listen.
Ever hear the phrase "live fast, die young"? I think for a long time I never understood it. It sounded dangerous, a bit glamorous even. But somehow I feel I can relate to it now for reasons I never considered.
The way I see it, I have two choices. I can go through with the test, and maybe find out that it is cancer. I'll have surgery, treatments, medicine...and probably still not live. All of my plans will be ruined. My life will be ruined. I will no longer have a chance to "live fast", just "die young". The burden will be too much to carry to remain in motion.
My other option? Don't go. Don't find out. Ignore the doctors, ignore my friends, ignore my instincts. Maybe I'll die a little sooner, but at least it will be in oblivion, at least it will be living.
Of course...maybe I will go and I don't have cancer. Maybe the doctor was just being overly cautious, maybe 23 year olds can't even get breast cancer and its all just a big misunderstanding. And I'll go and I'll cry and they'll tell me I'm just fine, and next year I'll move to Seattle and go on with my life.
I have plans, I have someone I love more than anything, and yet one little test, one little trip to the hospital is threatening to take it all away.
But of course, it could be nothing. It probably is nothing. So why then, do I not want to know?